Stupid Joke Thread

[lizard]

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something:

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for a Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

The clerk says, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."[/FONT]

 

[lizard]

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in
his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line
of coded message;

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and
her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then
to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked
Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House
with this reply;

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 

[lizard]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a Third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[Conspicuously Absent]

haha, i loved that last one the first time I heard it.

 

[cthulufhtagn]

see it doesn't make sense to me, you'd think that telling somebody his wife was double-dippin' would be useful...

 

[lizard]

THE PARROT

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New
madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from
school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls
and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the
situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments
later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

 

[lizard]

not a joke, but holy fuck this is cool.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/11/photogalleries/godzilla/

 

[lizard]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:



1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield

 

[cthulufhtagn]

not a joke, but holy fuck this is cool.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/11/photogalleries/godzilla/

saw that, very metal

not as cool as megalodons though i think
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megalodon

 

[lizard]

very very cool.

just saw this headline:

MLB owners unanimously OK new 'roid policy

 

[MadeInNewJersey]

Q: Why is rabbit sex so quiet?

A: Cotton balls.

 

[lizard]

Q: why did the cowboy buy a dachsund?











A: someone told him to get a long little doggie

 

[MadeInNewJersey]

Three mice are sitting at a bar late night in a rough neighborhood. Sooner than later, the conversation turns to bragging rights about which mouse is the toughest.

The first mouse orders up a shot of scotch, downs it, and says, "I set off mousetraps with my paws, catch the bar on the way down, do 20 reps, and eat the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, bangs one down after the other, and says, "When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, grind it up and stir it into my coffee. Doesn't even give me a buzz!"

They both turn toward the third mouse, who promptly orders three shots of tequila and shoots them in rapidfire fashion. He drags a paw across his mouth, stands up to leave and says, "I don't have time for this crap, I've got to get home to fuck the cat."

 

[lizard]

In my job I have to forward out blood drive info to the end users. I just got this reply back from our network administrator:


From: Konrad, Ward E (J6C)
Sent: Thursday, November 17, 2005 3:14 PM
To: Burr, Richard (CSO-C)
Subject: RE: ARC Needs all blood types-Center Blood Drive November 18, 2005, 0930-1400- Free Buckey Lapel Pin

I think you should do someone a favor and donate a pint of your liberal, jewish, massachussetts puss blood.

 

[Reign in Acai]

So a negro was at a bus stop and he needed to take a shit really bad. Without a bathroom in sight, he decides to drop his drawers right then and there. As he drops his size 44's to his knees, he takes one of the biggest shits he's ever shat. Right there on the bus stop bench no less. He looks around and see's that nobody caught him in this lewd act of public defecation.


10 minutes pass and the bus arrives. The driver opens up the door. And the negroid asks.

Negroid - How much is the fare?
Bus Driver - $2.50 for you, $1.75 for your little brother.

 

[Reign in Acai]

3 unemployed guys all accept a job of sleeping in a tent for 24 hours with a skunk. The job pays $1,000.

So the night begins and the 3 men all of different ethnicity enter into the tent for a quaint 24 hour slumber that will pay a handsome fee. One is of Mexican ancestry, the other is a negro, the final man is an Armenian.

8 hours pass and the Mexican runs out of the tent.
"Mama mia mamacita! It stinks too bad in there way, I can't take it anymore!"
The mexican journeys off emptyhanded into the night.

6 more hours pass and the Negro runs out of the tent.
"Oh men id smel bad up in der! I cant take it no mo!"
Negro leaves the tent unemployed and blacker than the night sky

5 more hours pass....






The skunk runs out of the tent and says,
"I can't take it anymore, it smells too bad!"