Q:What's the difference between goats and goldfish?
A: One mucks around in fountains and the other fucks around on mountains
A: One mucks around in fountains and the other fucks around on mountains
The joke thread
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phlogiston
Bejabbers!
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
Cooperman
...to the rescue!!!
As well as all the fwded email jokes I get, people also fwd joke sms's to me... here's one I received the other day
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their cunt twitched after sex. 98% replied, "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep".
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their cunt twitched after sex. 98% replied, "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep".
Wrathchild
Miserable Bastard
Q- What's the difference between Peter Criss and a foot massage?
A- A foot massage bucks up the feet. Peter Criss fucks up the beat.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey we've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "What, Kevin?"
Elton John, Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams all go out for a night on the town. As they're leaving the last of many clubs, Kylie trips over and gets her head stuck between the railings of a fence.
Robbie, deciding to take full advantage of the situation, lifts up Kylie's skirt and has his way with her. When he's finished, he turns to Elton and says "it's your turn now, mate."
Elton starts crying and replies "I can't fit my head through the rails!"
W
A- A foot massage bucks up the feet. Peter Criss fucks up the beat.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey we've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "What, Kevin?"
Elton John, Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams all go out for a night on the town. As they're leaving the last of many clubs, Kylie trips over and gets her head stuck between the railings of a fence.
Robbie, deciding to take full advantage of the situation, lifts up Kylie's skirt and has his way with her. When he's finished, he turns to Elton and says "it's your turn now, mate."
Elton starts crying and replies "I can't fit my head through the rails!"
W
Blitzkrieg
Master Exploder
Spruce Goose
Then Goose me up woman!
2 Condoms walk past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says 'What do ya say we go in and get shitfaced!'
Spruce Goose
Then Goose me up woman!
I walked out to my letter box the other day, and I found my pet snails in there eathing my fuckin mail!!
I scratched my head and then I realised what they were doing. I said 'You stupid snails........ lettuce.... not letters!!'
Ahem
I scratched my head and then I realised what they were doing. I said 'You stupid snails........ lettuce.... not letters!!'
Ahem
Spruce Goose
Then Goose me up woman!
This guy is stranded on an island. He has been there for years. Suddenly, he sees something swimming towards the island. As it gets closer, he realises that it is a women scuba diving. She is a good sort too!
She gets to the island and approaches the guy..... she says:
'So, how long since you've had a smoke?'
The guy replies:
'Shit, I been on here for so long, it must be 10 years since I had a ciggarette.'
The woman pulls out a packet of smokes from her wetsuit, lights one up, and hands it to the guy. It was the best cigarette the guy ever tasted! The woman asks:
'So, how long since you've had a bourbon?'
The guy cant believe his luck. He says:
'Well, It must be ten years since I've had a bourbon'
The woman pulls out bourbon and a glass from her wetsuit, and hands it to the guy. It is the best bourbon the guy has ever tasted!
Now the woman gets down to buisness. She slowly unzips her wetsuit and starts to run her hands over her breasts seductivly. She asks the guy:
'So, how long since you've played around?'
The guy can hardly contain himself. He replies:
'Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there!'
She gets to the island and approaches the guy..... she says:
'So, how long since you've had a smoke?'
The guy replies:
'Shit, I been on here for so long, it must be 10 years since I had a ciggarette.'
The woman pulls out a packet of smokes from her wetsuit, lights one up, and hands it to the guy. It was the best cigarette the guy ever tasted! The woman asks:
'So, how long since you've had a bourbon?'
The guy cant believe his luck. He says:
'Well, It must be ten years since I've had a bourbon'
The woman pulls out bourbon and a glass from her wetsuit, and hands it to the guy. It is the best bourbon the guy has ever tasted!
Now the woman gets down to buisness. She slowly unzips her wetsuit and starts to run her hands over her breasts seductivly. She asks the guy:
'So, how long since you've played around?'
The guy can hardly contain himself. He replies:
'Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there!'
Spruce Goose
Then Goose me up woman!
A little boy asked his dad if he could have a glass of water before he went to bed. The dad says:
'But son, you have already had 15 glasses of water!'
The boy replied:
'I know dad, my room is on fire!!'
'But son, you have already had 15 glasses of water!'
The boy replied:
'I know dad, my room is on fire!!'
Spiff
I have the power
I *always* tell this joke, and I *always* get the same reaction of disgust:
Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A. You can't gargle sand.
Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A. You can't gargle sand.
Spruce Goose
Then Goose me up woman!
phlogiston
Bejabbers!
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
But you've gotta figure out how to get them in there first.
Two.
But you've gotta figure out how to get them in there first.
Spruce Goose
Then Goose me up woman!
Kem
Very cynical
What do Bob the Builder, Winnie the Pooh and Smokey the Bear all have in common?
The same middle name! HA!
The same middle name! HA!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial
troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I
have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain
brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow
at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and
told him to go straight home. The next morning, she
returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another!"
Spiff
I have the power
I'm currently trying to remember every joke I loved as a kid. Here's one:
Priest: And what might your name be, young man?
Boy: It might be William but it ain't!
Priest: And what might your name be, young man?
Boy: It might be William but it ain't!
Lord Tim
That guy from LORD
I got a big rise out of everyone in the aus.jokes newsgroup a few years back with these "gems":
Q. Why did the feminist man-hating lesbian cross the road?
A. To suck my dick!
Q. How many feminist man-hating lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2 - one to change the lightbulb and one to suck my dick!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Yeah, yeah - pretty bad taste (the joke, not the dick! HAHA!) but it's awesome seeing people's reactions to this! Some laugh... some... well...
Q. Why did the feminist man-hating lesbian cross the road?
A. To suck my dick!
Q. How many feminist man-hating lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2 - one to change the lightbulb and one to suck my dick!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Yeah, yeah - pretty bad taste (the joke, not the dick! HAHA!) but it's awesome seeing people's reactions to this! Some laugh... some... well...
Spiff
I have the power
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