The Official "I Farted" thread

Three old buggers sit on a bench in the park, telling about their woes. The first old geezer says, "Man, I usually get up at 7, and I stand in front of the toilet bowl, and it's literally half an hour before I can manage a few drops, so I'm usually done urinating at 8!"

"Yeah," says the second, "I have a similar problem. When I get up at 6, I sit on the crapper for half an hour until I can finally manage to squeeze out a few tiny rabbit pellets."

"Well," says the third. "I usually pee my bladder empty in a good stream at 6, and I take a huge dump at 7."

"Then what's the problem?" the other old guys ask.

"I wake up at 9."
 
or that joke when the Doctor, before reading the diagnosis tell the lady "I hope you like changing diapers."

then the lady asks, "Oh, doctor, am I pregnant?"

and he says, "No, you have bowel cancer."
 
A woman takes her boyfriend home to meet her parents.
He sits down and has a conversation with her mom, and he realizes he has to fart really badly. He notices the dog next to him, so he decides to fart, since he figures they will think the dog did it. The mom yells out "damn it Rover!". He farts again and she yells out "damn it Rover". He farts again then she yells out "Rover, get the fuck away from him before he shits all over you!"

A woman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I have a problem. I keep farting, but it doesn't make any smell or noise". So he tells her to try these pills.
The next day, she storms back and yells "what did you do!? Now, my farts smell terrible!"
He replies "good, I see the sinus pills are working. Now we have to do something about your hearing".

What is invisible and smells like dog food?
Old people farts.
 
The ground and trees shook. The air heated up like the fires of Muspelheim. Birds and other creatures scurried away as fast as possible. Radio waves had been interfered with causing ears to bleed. Buildings collapsed and sent rock and gargoyles to the ground as fast as rain. and all would know that on this day, Krigloch the Furious had ripped the mightiest of farts since the dawn of man!
 
The ground and trees shook. The air heated up like the fires of Muspelheim. Birds and other creatures scurried away as fast as possible. Radio waves had been interfered with causing ears to bleed. Buildings collapsed and sent rock and gargoyles to the ground as fast as rain. and all would know that on this day, Krigloch the Furious had ripped the mightiest of farts since the dawn of man!

Isn't that one of the signs of a coming apocalypse?