What do you think of my poem?

[Hypnos666]

I occasionally write poetry...here's the translation for the one in my sig.
No fear is here,
for when you're dead,
you fear nothing.
Because we're in hell,
and we've already died,
so we cannot die again.
Cerebus bites our feet.
He gives us something to fear,
and he's the only one who makes us cry.
But the fire eats our cries up,
so nobody knows our pain.
In the fire, we burn.
Hell is our house.

 

[Iced Dog]

That's what I call HELLatious!

 

[icedsymphony]

You have a bright future
IN HELL!!!!

I used to write stuff like that. Then something miraculous happened, I finally got laid.
Just playin dude, please don't flame me with some epic reply. Keep it up maybe Jon will take some of your future verse for the wicked album.

 

[Hypnos666]

Haha, man, I don't really believe in all this stuff...I'm a christian. But hell, I love listening to anything that has to do with hell, death, fantasy, and war. Plus, I already write some songs. I hope I might be able to at least get one CD released with my friend Fran (guitar), though it may only sell in a small area.

 

[Lies and Perfidy]

As a poem, feh. As a song, has a lot more potential - the best part of the poem is its rhythm, which is quite nice. Could be a good avant-garde extreme metal kinda tune or somethin. Work with it.

 

[Hypnos666]

I'll work on it allright...also, awesome test. I made Power Metal Warrior, heh.

 

[Lies and Perfidy]

Thanks, dude. You got any more lyrics? Put 'em up.

 

[Hypnos666]

The Cleric
I am a priest of the sun,
I shall not lay back,
until my quest is done...
(Through my enemies shall I hack,
All the dark ones shall I burn,
For demon blood...I yearn)

Hallowed by the Ancient Ones,
(I sit in my quest alone,
I am a servant of the light)

Chorus:
(From the Heavens I am sent,
I shall make thou repent,
The blasted demons in all of us,
thine evil beings I shall crush.)

I am the Cleric,
thine spirit I shall release.
I shall cleanse the stain from the cloth,
(Send thee all where you belong)

(chorus)

I am the light,
In the name of the Holy One I walk,
I am the lantern that shall drive back the night,
(Banisher of the Dark)

The stuff in parentheses are death metal vox, the rest is melodic...since I can sing both decently, I decided to have a mix of the 2. Make sure to give me feedback

 

[Lies and Perfidy]

Good stuff...I think the chorus is "I shall make *thee* repent. I can totally hear this with Metal Church or early Helloween-style riffage. Maybe a little less of the death metal vox; save em for effect. "I sit in my quest alone" is a bit awkward...maybe "on my quest I walk alone" or somethin like that. But yeah, cool shit.