I've composed a top 10 shit list of 2002 for a friend's metal site (www.rippenterror.com) and thought I'd share my discontent with the state of the music industry with the rest of you while I'm at it.
1.) AXL "DRAMA QUEEN" ROSE. It was a tough decision to
pick this Botox Poster Child for the coveted #1 Shit
Salad of the year. I had to consult with my personal
traveling psychiatrist for many hours before he
convinced me that it was worth it. And for all I know,
Axl may not even show up for this list. But in spite
of it all, I had no choice in picking this fucker-the
one person in the world who is so FULL OF SHIT he
leaves skidmarks everywhere he goes! If there is a
God-and I doubt it, because no omipotent deity with
any love for It's creation would punish us with such a
pathetically pitiful, self centered, egotistical,
schizophenic, no talent TURD BURGLAR like Axl "Mr.
Unstable" Rose-But if there is a God, HE FUCKING HATES
US!
We're more likely to see the second coming of
Christ before we see this fabled Chinese Dicksmokeracy
he keeps talking about. Swing Low, Motherfucker! Take
me away and spare me the agony of having to endure Axl
OR his ignorant, blind & STUPID fans who walk behind
this cocksucker with a little broom and a pooper
scooper sweeping up every little nugget of tapered
bullshit that the he squeezes out everytime he's in
public like each one is a golden nugget of
undisputable divine truth. Just KILL US ALL! I can't
take anymore-it's UNBEARABLE!
I'm writing a letter right now to Satan Claus, and
asking-nay, BEGGING him-to just kill him. Strike him
dead, now. Fuck world peace, fuck hunger-KILL AXL
ROSE. I could sleep in a cardboard box and live on a
steady diet of laundry detergent and urine and STILL
SLEEP PEACEFULLY if I knew he was dead and gone. Deck
the Halls with Axl's Balls and I'll be fucking
Merry!!!
2.) SLIPKNOT. For some reason, this is the one
Nu-Metal band EVERYBODY likes. Well, NOT ME! When I
think about all the things that indicate what a good
band is-musical talent, versatility, charisma,
intellect-I see NONE of that in Slapknut. And maybe
it's just me, but can you remember the last time a
bunch of Special Olypmics rejects in halloween masks
pounding drums and beating each other up MADE MUSIC
GOOD?!?! I can't! They're fools, people! And now
they're multiplying-Spreading the Disease! Now some of
the members are branching out and spreading their lack
of talent under different names. And with all the
focus Slip Sour is getting, the other idiot members
like that fat fucking clown bring their mounting
insecurities to the media and anounce on a bi-weekly
basis that their stupid band is not breaking up and
everything will be fine in their demented little
social niche. WRONG! Your Nu-Metal train is heading
for a concrete enbunkment, and you're ALL on your way
out! HALLELUJIAH!
3.) MUSHROOMHEAD. For some reason, this is the one
Nu-Metal ba......wait, i'm thinking of Slipknot. This
isn't Slipknot.....is it? Hmmm, that's funny-at a
glance it almost looks like some uninspired,
unemployed porn fluffers thought they would try to
hang ten on a Trend Wave in the wake of Slipknot by
COMPLETELY IMITATING AN ALREADY BORING AND IGNORANT
MUSIC STYLE! BRILLIANT, YOU STUPID COCKS! The world is
full of enough pain and misery-we don't need you
tonsil jockeys sapping our youths of intelligence and
common sense with your mind numbing, apathetic shit
music! NOW GO AWAY!
4.) MUDVAYNE-For some reason, this is the
one........AW, GODDAMMIT! Another fucking clone?!?!?!
Jesus Christ, I can only take so much! Oh, but
Mudvayne is different! They're not clones, they're
ALIENS! WOOOO! "Hey Jimmy Joe Bob Slim Jimmy Jr, it's
the weirdest thang-I was just looking over thar an' I
saw me a band that wore gory shit on their faces an'
sounded like SlipHead MushroomKnot. But THEN, when I
looked away an' looked back, a buncha ALIENS was
standin' thar! It's like they becomed a whole
diiffernt band!" DO YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID? Like we're
not gonna know its the same bunch of fake, talentless
sphincter spelunkers in different masks? I'm looking
for the transition where they go from Alien masks to
unemployed ex-rock stars who can't get a job mopping
jizz at a local jerk theater.
5.) MICHAEL JACKSON, AKA CASPER THE FRIENDLY NEGRO.
You know, if it wasn't for Axl Rose, I'd think this
motherfucker was crazy! Dangling children from a 30
story window like he's dropping water balloons on
nuns? What's next-Lawn Darts with Toddlers? I swear to
God one of those Silicon or Botox needles pierced his
monkey humping brain! He should NEVER come out of that
Iron Lung-he's proven time and again he can't cope
with reality! And have you seen all the discarded
crates and animal carriers in his back yard? That
ain't just trash, people-he's smuggling small children
in from Indonesia! Don't you think he might like kids
a little TOO much? Did it ever occur to anyone after
he broke off his engagement to Macauley Culkin that
maybe he wouldn't be the best father? FUCK!
On a happier note, I would like to announce that
the current version of Michael Jackson, complete
with double D's and his 2nd vagina, has just announced
his engagement to Kid Rock! Congratulations!
6.) KID ROCK AND PAMELA LEE. This is a match made in
Trailer Park heaven. Here's a great recipe for
hillbilly bliss: Take one artificial, implant laden,
stereotypical stupid blonde. Add one shot of Hepatitis
C. Follow her career from the beginning, following the
descending line of Rock Star boyfriends and husbands
she's had, then deduce the lowest common denominator.
Enter Kid Rock. Add an excess of redneck mentality
with a pinch of fleeting success. Subtract one rapping
midget and add one lonely white rapper in denial who
no longer has a waist high oral masseusse. Combine the
two, mix with court battles and drug posessions for
publicity, and VOILA! One redneck souffle!
7.) THE "MY BROTHER IS IN A FAMOUS BAND AND I WANNA
CAPITALIZE ON IT" TREND. Cases in point: Adema,
Powerman 5000, Linkin Park. The first two connections are
obvious-Adema=Korn, Powerman=Rob Zombie. But why
Linkin Park, you ask? Because the vocalist Chet
something or other has got to be the long lost
half brother of Scott Stapp. It's the only logical conclusion.
They share the same father, but whereas Scott is the
spawn of a hermaphroditic 3 legged Himalayan mountain
goat named Betsy, this Chet bastard is the medical wonder
child of Michael Jackson! Aha! I bet you're beginning to see
the resemblance! Frail, feminine, shitty voice, WHITE.
The truth is there for all to see! As for Adema and
Powerman, what else can I say except YOU SUCK! If you
can't even come up with a decent name for your band,
you should know better than to try to play music! I
mena, that shit's straight out of a comic book! Of
course, they're only teenagers, I shouldn't pick on
them. Obviously if they're still breast feeding
they're not capable of forming real thoughts.
Originally, they wanted to start their bands so they
could use their extraordinary finger paintings for
album covers. Throw in some power chords and
Conjunction Junction lyrics, and you arrive at the
mentality of Adema and Powerman 5000. Hurts, don't it?
8.) J-LO. I'm beginning to see a trend here, and where
there's trend, there's motive. And where there's
motive there's intent, which means somebody planned
this shit! This whole list is dedicated to the people
who make me ashamed of the world we live in. And these
people are coming more and more into public praise!
It's irrational, it's senseless, and it's goddamn
scary! It is this fear, this paranoia, that leads me
to believe it's all a conspiracy in which we-the
discerning metal fans-are the target. And it all
culminates in one J-Ho, aka Jenny From The Block, aka
Giddy For The Cock, aka Bootius Maximus. Her stain is
everywhere! Not only does her vile presence taint the
music industry to it's already blackened soul with
regurgitated Pop/Soul Narcoleptic redundancy, but
she's now the staple over used "romance heroine"
actress. Somehow, over the last 12 months, this
conspirator has managed to torment me with commercial
after insanity inducing commecial about her latest
rags to riches-cinderella-dream come true-
happily ever after-blushing bride-bullshit propaganda!
And now she's marrying Mr. Ken Doll himself, Ben Affleck!
I sense the hand of Satan, and it's a sign of the end to come!
Repent now, the ending is at hand!
9.) PUDDLE OF MUDD. Speaking of trends-allow me to
introduce another Nu-Metal vomit inducing, brain
sapping, colostomy bag of a band courtesy of Fred
Durst. As if Staind-quite possibly my most hated band
of all time-were not enough, he's force feeding us
more of his low fiber, nutritionless SHIT CEREAL. Come
on, people-he can't even find someone willing
(and stupid) enough to play on his fucking record,
what makes you think he can discern what
a GOOD BAND is?? This is just more bitchy whining
about mommy and daddy and ex-girlfriends and comatose
senior citizens who still won't put out for poor
little snausage dick Wes Scantlin. Could it possibly
get any worse? DON'T ANSWER THAT! In spite of all my
hate for this band, i must say their latest brilliant
masterpiece coup of anti-establishmental revolution
that has shaken the foundations of the music industry
really sums it all up nicely-I FUCKING HATE YOU!
10.) NIRVANA. Goddammit, Kurt-won't you ever die? Oh,
he did already. So why doesn't he go away? Is it
possible to haunt an entire country? What the fuck
kind of ghost can do that? Obviously, he hasn't found
Nirvana or he wouldn't still be fucking with us! I
know the music industry's oath and motto is, "Hey,
let's capitalize on the dead guy" but goddamn, ENOUGH!
At least they used to exploit the GOOD dead musicians
like Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn, but Nirvana SUCKED
when Kurt was alive, what makes them think he'll be
any better now that he's mulch??? That's it, i'm
calling that short fat lady from Poltergeist in here,
and we're sending you away, Mr. Ghost Of Christmas
Blast (D'Oh!). Never fear, music lovers of the world,
peace is at hand. I will exorcise this demon and his
conspiratous Master so that music will become what it
once was-WORTHWHILE. THIS HOUSE IS CLEAR!
1.) AXL "DRAMA QUEEN" ROSE. It was a tough decision to
pick this Botox Poster Child for the coveted #1 Shit
Salad of the year. I had to consult with my personal
traveling psychiatrist for many hours before he
convinced me that it was worth it. And for all I know,
Axl may not even show up for this list. But in spite
of it all, I had no choice in picking this fucker-the
one person in the world who is so FULL OF SHIT he
leaves skidmarks everywhere he goes! If there is a
God-and I doubt it, because no omipotent deity with
any love for It's creation would punish us with such a
pathetically pitiful, self centered, egotistical,
schizophenic, no talent TURD BURGLAR like Axl "Mr.
Unstable" Rose-But if there is a God, HE FUCKING HATES
US!
We're more likely to see the second coming of
Christ before we see this fabled Chinese Dicksmokeracy
he keeps talking about. Swing Low, Motherfucker! Take
me away and spare me the agony of having to endure Axl
OR his ignorant, blind & STUPID fans who walk behind
this cocksucker with a little broom and a pooper
scooper sweeping up every little nugget of tapered
bullshit that the he squeezes out everytime he's in
public like each one is a golden nugget of
undisputable divine truth. Just KILL US ALL! I can't
take anymore-it's UNBEARABLE!
I'm writing a letter right now to Satan Claus, and
asking-nay, BEGGING him-to just kill him. Strike him
dead, now. Fuck world peace, fuck hunger-KILL AXL
ROSE. I could sleep in a cardboard box and live on a
steady diet of laundry detergent and urine and STILL
SLEEP PEACEFULLY if I knew he was dead and gone. Deck
the Halls with Axl's Balls and I'll be fucking
Merry!!!
2.) SLIPKNOT. For some reason, this is the one
Nu-Metal band EVERYBODY likes. Well, NOT ME! When I
think about all the things that indicate what a good
band is-musical talent, versatility, charisma,
intellect-I see NONE of that in Slapknut. And maybe
it's just me, but can you remember the last time a
bunch of Special Olypmics rejects in halloween masks
pounding drums and beating each other up MADE MUSIC
GOOD?!?! I can't! They're fools, people! And now
they're multiplying-Spreading the Disease! Now some of
the members are branching out and spreading their lack
of talent under different names. And with all the
focus Slip Sour is getting, the other idiot members
like that fat fucking clown bring their mounting
insecurities to the media and anounce on a bi-weekly
basis that their stupid band is not breaking up and
everything will be fine in their demented little
social niche. WRONG! Your Nu-Metal train is heading
for a concrete enbunkment, and you're ALL on your way
out! HALLELUJIAH!
3.) MUSHROOMHEAD. For some reason, this is the one
Nu-Metal ba......wait, i'm thinking of Slipknot. This
isn't Slipknot.....is it? Hmmm, that's funny-at a
glance it almost looks like some uninspired,
unemployed porn fluffers thought they would try to
hang ten on a Trend Wave in the wake of Slipknot by
COMPLETELY IMITATING AN ALREADY BORING AND IGNORANT
MUSIC STYLE! BRILLIANT, YOU STUPID COCKS! The world is
full of enough pain and misery-we don't need you
tonsil jockeys sapping our youths of intelligence and
common sense with your mind numbing, apathetic shit
music! NOW GO AWAY!
4.) MUDVAYNE-For some reason, this is the
one........AW, GODDAMMIT! Another fucking clone?!?!?!
Jesus Christ, I can only take so much! Oh, but
Mudvayne is different! They're not clones, they're
ALIENS! WOOOO! "Hey Jimmy Joe Bob Slim Jimmy Jr, it's
the weirdest thang-I was just looking over thar an' I
saw me a band that wore gory shit on their faces an'
sounded like SlipHead MushroomKnot. But THEN, when I
looked away an' looked back, a buncha ALIENS was
standin' thar! It's like they becomed a whole
diiffernt band!" DO YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID? Like we're
not gonna know its the same bunch of fake, talentless
sphincter spelunkers in different masks? I'm looking
for the transition where they go from Alien masks to
unemployed ex-rock stars who can't get a job mopping
jizz at a local jerk theater.
5.) MICHAEL JACKSON, AKA CASPER THE FRIENDLY NEGRO.
You know, if it wasn't for Axl Rose, I'd think this
motherfucker was crazy! Dangling children from a 30
story window like he's dropping water balloons on
nuns? What's next-Lawn Darts with Toddlers? I swear to
God one of those Silicon or Botox needles pierced his
monkey humping brain! He should NEVER come out of that
Iron Lung-he's proven time and again he can't cope
with reality! And have you seen all the discarded
crates and animal carriers in his back yard? That
ain't just trash, people-he's smuggling small children
in from Indonesia! Don't you think he might like kids
a little TOO much? Did it ever occur to anyone after
he broke off his engagement to Macauley Culkin that
maybe he wouldn't be the best father? FUCK!
On a happier note, I would like to announce that
the current version of Michael Jackson, complete
with double D's and his 2nd vagina, has just announced
his engagement to Kid Rock! Congratulations!
6.) KID ROCK AND PAMELA LEE. This is a match made in
Trailer Park heaven. Here's a great recipe for
hillbilly bliss: Take one artificial, implant laden,
stereotypical stupid blonde. Add one shot of Hepatitis
C. Follow her career from the beginning, following the
descending line of Rock Star boyfriends and husbands
she's had, then deduce the lowest common denominator.
Enter Kid Rock. Add an excess of redneck mentality
with a pinch of fleeting success. Subtract one rapping
midget and add one lonely white rapper in denial who
no longer has a waist high oral masseusse. Combine the
two, mix with court battles and drug posessions for
publicity, and VOILA! One redneck souffle!
7.) THE "MY BROTHER IS IN A FAMOUS BAND AND I WANNA
CAPITALIZE ON IT" TREND. Cases in point: Adema,
Powerman 5000, Linkin Park. The first two connections are
obvious-Adema=Korn, Powerman=Rob Zombie. But why
Linkin Park, you ask? Because the vocalist Chet
something or other has got to be the long lost
half brother of Scott Stapp. It's the only logical conclusion.
They share the same father, but whereas Scott is the
spawn of a hermaphroditic 3 legged Himalayan mountain
goat named Betsy, this Chet bastard is the medical wonder
child of Michael Jackson! Aha! I bet you're beginning to see
the resemblance! Frail, feminine, shitty voice, WHITE.
The truth is there for all to see! As for Adema and
Powerman, what else can I say except YOU SUCK! If you
can't even come up with a decent name for your band,
you should know better than to try to play music! I
mena, that shit's straight out of a comic book! Of
course, they're only teenagers, I shouldn't pick on
them. Obviously if they're still breast feeding
they're not capable of forming real thoughts.
Originally, they wanted to start their bands so they
could use their extraordinary finger paintings for
album covers. Throw in some power chords and
Conjunction Junction lyrics, and you arrive at the
mentality of Adema and Powerman 5000. Hurts, don't it?
8.) J-LO. I'm beginning to see a trend here, and where
there's trend, there's motive. And where there's
motive there's intent, which means somebody planned
this shit! This whole list is dedicated to the people
who make me ashamed of the world we live in. And these
people are coming more and more into public praise!
It's irrational, it's senseless, and it's goddamn
scary! It is this fear, this paranoia, that leads me
to believe it's all a conspiracy in which we-the
discerning metal fans-are the target. And it all
culminates in one J-Ho, aka Jenny From The Block, aka
Giddy For The Cock, aka Bootius Maximus. Her stain is
everywhere! Not only does her vile presence taint the
music industry to it's already blackened soul with
regurgitated Pop/Soul Narcoleptic redundancy, but
she's now the staple over used "romance heroine"
actress. Somehow, over the last 12 months, this
conspirator has managed to torment me with commercial
after insanity inducing commecial about her latest
rags to riches-cinderella-dream come true-
happily ever after-blushing bride-bullshit propaganda!
And now she's marrying Mr. Ken Doll himself, Ben Affleck!
I sense the hand of Satan, and it's a sign of the end to come!
Repent now, the ending is at hand!
9.) PUDDLE OF MUDD. Speaking of trends-allow me to
introduce another Nu-Metal vomit inducing, brain
sapping, colostomy bag of a band courtesy of Fred
Durst. As if Staind-quite possibly my most hated band
of all time-were not enough, he's force feeding us
more of his low fiber, nutritionless SHIT CEREAL. Come
on, people-he can't even find someone willing
(and stupid) enough to play on his fucking record,
what makes you think he can discern what
a GOOD BAND is?? This is just more bitchy whining
about mommy and daddy and ex-girlfriends and comatose
senior citizens who still won't put out for poor
little snausage dick Wes Scantlin. Could it possibly
get any worse? DON'T ANSWER THAT! In spite of all my
hate for this band, i must say their latest brilliant
masterpiece coup of anti-establishmental revolution
that has shaken the foundations of the music industry
really sums it all up nicely-I FUCKING HATE YOU!
10.) NIRVANA. Goddammit, Kurt-won't you ever die? Oh,
he did already. So why doesn't he go away? Is it
possible to haunt an entire country? What the fuck
kind of ghost can do that? Obviously, he hasn't found
Nirvana or he wouldn't still be fucking with us! I
know the music industry's oath and motto is, "Hey,
let's capitalize on the dead guy" but goddamn, ENOUGH!
At least they used to exploit the GOOD dead musicians
like Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn, but Nirvana SUCKED
when Kurt was alive, what makes them think he'll be
any better now that he's mulch??? That's it, i'm
calling that short fat lady from Poltergeist in here,
and we're sending you away, Mr. Ghost Of Christmas
Blast (D'Oh!). Never fear, music lovers of the world,
peace is at hand. I will exorcise this demon and his
conspiratous Master so that music will become what it
once was-WORTHWHILE. THIS HOUSE IS CLEAR!
