Anxiety issues - can someone shed some light?

[MarcusGHedwig]

So I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months now, and things are going well, but she suffers from some anxiety problems that really mystify me; I'm no stranger to mental illness, as I've had a couple of bad depressive episodes through my life (owing to hereditary conditions from an enormous family history of it), so that's my mental cross to bear - fortunately though, through a regular low-dosage of antidepressent and a whole lot of personal growing I've had it pretty much completely under control for the past few years, which I'm of course glad for.

However, I just absolutely cannot relate to the concept of anxiety; any nervousness or whatnot I've ever had I've always been able to talk myself down from or just push through without much trouble, but she seems to sometimes just get ridiculously irrationally worked up and worried about seemingly minor things (thus they're not really the cause, just the catalyst), and it really affects our relationship negatively (mainly her mind just seems to go a mile a minute, and she can't really focus on anything for an extended period of time, which can get MADDENING).

So I'm not really looking for relationship advice here, but more insight from those who I'm sure are on here that suffer from anxiety issues on things I can gently suggest to her to help her cope with it: what are some mental techniques you can use to calm yourselves down? Have you had to take medication, and if so, which has worked for you? (specifically the type you take daily that works pretty much transparently, the way my antidepressents do; not like Xanax or whatnot that you take when you need, but seriously pack a wallop and konk you out).

Thanks brodudes

 

[Norris-wf]

Hey man, Anxiety can actually be really bad for some people and from what I've seen it only gets worse unless it's tackled. From what I know about it, there is no magic pill, at least thats what I've been told, as each person suffers from it differently and to different extents. Has she tried councilling at all?

 

[Terminus]

Dont have any really wise shit to say other than not to let it control her, point it out often and discuss it, encourage and support whenever possible. Other than that, I really dont see an alternative to prescription drugs (though I dont really endorse that stuff across the board).

 

[updog]

Do you know anything about her past and whether her past has got anything to do with her anxiety issues? It's kind of a no-no if you're looking for an easier kind of relationship...

Is this the girl you met in the train? We talked about this stuff in some thread a while back. if it makes you feel any better, I never did find the perfect woman I met back then

edit. but seeing as you were looking for answers rather than suggestions, I can only say I've been there but wasn't able to really help... It sucks ass. But listening always helps, if there's no more efficient ways available than that.

 

[GarethSE]

we seem to be in the same boat marcus D:
i suggest feeding her lots of chamomile tea.

 

[Harry Hughes]

Anxiety is an absolutely horrible thing for anyone to go through.
Unfortunately it's often not looked at as very serious by a large number of society, but it has the potential to be a seriously crippling illness, make no mistake.
I have suffered from anxiety basically my whole life.
Anxiety almost ruined my fucking life. At it's peak, I was too scared to leave the house most days, I just mainly sat on the computer all day, barely showered, barely played guitar (people that know me in real life know how I love to play daily, so that's saying something) and just lost motivation for life basically. You basically lose your fucking mind, barely anything in your head is rational anymore. I became angry so easily and ended up having a huge mental breakdown and went and smashed things around the house and I tell ya it scared the shit out of my mom.
You wake up the next day and it doesn't feel like it was you at all. It's like being fucking possessed,

If she's not getting professional help, tell her to get some ASAP.
If she isn't getting help and you ask her and she refuses too, it would be worth considering breaking it off.
I know that sounds a little extreme, but seriously, dealing with someone with anxiety is a muthafucking hard road man. I know this, because I suffered from it acutely and I dragged down everyone around me with it.
A lot of the time you don't realize you're being dragged down until the damage is done and well beyond the point of repair.

These days, my anxiety is largely gone. It will never go away entirely, but I have it almost entirely under control and the depression that came as a side effect of having anxiety is totally gone too.

I did cognitive behavioral therapy and it helped IMMENSELY. For the first time in my life I have self esteem, I have far more confidence and I wake up in the morning and look forward to my day and enjoy life now.
It worked so well in fact, that I didn't need to be put on medication at all.

Cognitive behavioral therapy taught me a lot of mental and even physical strategies that helped me to cope with situations that would normally trigger anxiety.
If she can arrange to see a psychologist to get Cognitive behavioral therapy, it will make life worlds better for her

 

[jangoux]

make her seek professional help, Marcus. My family has a big history of anxiety and depression, and it sucks..i took meds for it when i was around 15yo and it helped some (also took anti-depressive for about 2 years)...i am still very anxious and sometimes i have some ´crisis´where i pee every 5 min or so during a 2 hour period until i calm my head down. If it really bothers you, talk to her, try to have loads of patience when the things gets tough, but talk her into looking for help.

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

Anxiety can be more intense than even the worse depression (just IMO). I have had issues with both, landing myself in the hospital twice.

Anxiety can feel like your dying, and there is no way to think otherwise because your brain has turned on you and it manifests itself physically. Shit felt like I had a 400 pound dude sitting on my chest, sweats, etc...

Get that shit checked out. Hopefully she actually wants to.

 

[~BURNY~]

That may sound stupid but is actually quite efficient:
http://www.holisticonline.com/remedies/anxiety/anx_breathing.htm

 

[John_C]

You're probably right when you say that the things she appears to be getting worked up about are the catalyst. She needs to work through the underlying cause for any sort of solution, but in the mean time there are lots of techniques for dealing with it. Any serious professional will know which fronts to attack so to speak

 

[Jevil]

I suffer from anxiety since 1994. Even though it was very light until 2004. In 2004 I began to suffer and got a treatment with Paroxetina, it is some anti depression and antianxiety... and I always have to wear with me a pill of Lorazepam or ********** (anti panic crisis pills)

My problem is something related with agoraphobia, I feel terribly bad in places that I can voluntary get out of. Planes, non-civilizatied places, traffic jams, and so on...
I often control myself, panic attacks susks, sweating, heart punding so hard you think you are dying... I wouldn't recommend to anybody. I'm hypochondriac so the thing is worse because I always think I have some terminal disease or whatever and that makes me more anxious. It's a fuck.

If I carry with me my antipanic pill, I feel safe cause if I have a panic attack I know the pill will calm me down. I hardly take this antipanic pills but knowing I have them in my pocket makes me feel better.

Dude, you have to become a kind of psicologist and try to understand her and calm her whenever she needs. Medical treatments works, but when the treatment stop it is just time to come again.
Be patience... psichotherapy works but are very expensive.

If you need more advice PM me.

 

[spioraid]

Big +1 to what Harry, Loren and Jevo have said.

The only other thing I can contribute is more on your side of things. Stay patient when she's over-reacting, and don't tell her all the time she's freaking out. If you two are a couple she'll be looking to you for comfort and security. She'll get worried she's causing all this negativity in the relationship and worry over that. You really gotta stick with this and help her along 'cause she can't get over it herself.

However...

If she starts manipulating people or situations for positive outcomes that stem from her anxiety, RUN. Don't walk, run. I've known way too many people who have become seriously unstable because of their constant manipulation tactics. These people are the destroyers of lives. If you want more info I can shed more light, but for now just concentrate on giving her what she needs - the patience and commitment to help her through this.

 

[Brady k]

yes medication will work ! get her to talk to her doctor ..

 

[MarcusGHedwig]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for your input - to clarify, she's actually been in and out of counseling for the past few years, so fortunately it's not like she's totally helpless to it, and more importantly recognizes it's an issue; mainly the problem for me was my perception of her inability to focus on things in our conversations when she's feeling anxious/nervous, but we actually had a really good talk about that last night where she was super open and receptive to the things I (tactfully) said that were bothering me, and I'd like to think I can often be something of a calming influence, so things are looking good!

Harry, Loren, Jevo, and Ivan, sorry to hear you guys have had to endure all that, but I'm glad to hear things are better now! (and yeah, I've done tons of CBT myself over the years, I look at it as just having someone incredibly wise to talk to and gently set you straight on things, an invaluable asset IMO Also, it's given me tons of insight into how to be a good listener, which naturally is key)

Andrew, good insight dude - fortunately, she's got a heart of gold, so I don't think she'd ever be the manipulative type, and yeah, if there's one thing I've learned from being depressed and talking to people, the best thing for a listener to do is just shut up and listen

And sopulurn (Olli?), she is indeed the same girl from the train, and overall I haven't been disappointed Bummer you didn't end up crossing paths again with the one you met, but the moral of the story is of course to get those digits while you can!

 

[drew_drummer]

I've heard yoga is good for anxiety.

 

[drew_drummer]

Oh.. and regular trips out of the city and into some countryside.

 

[Skinny Viking]

No No NO!!!!

Do NOT "tell" her to see a doctor! This can actually lead to a SHITLOAD of new anxiety issues ... mainly about her thoughts on how you look at her. If you truly think she made need some kind of professional help or at least some counseling of sorts, bring it up in conversation in as non-directional an approach as you can; ie -find a way to share your own experience with similar problems and mention how much better you deal with things now. Things like her mind going a mile a minute at times or not being able to focus can actually be a symptom of something a bit more intense than just some kind of anxiety issues. If you talk to her about it you need to constantly and indirectly reassure her that you are talking more about yourself than her. You catch her at the wrong time with that kind of shit and it can create a major resentment towards you, even if somewhere inside she knows you only mean well and are worried about her and trying to be helpful. Its the kind of thing that a guarantee you she's probably heard before from others and she doesn't want to hear it from you UNLESS she asks you. If she does bring it up to you, even if indirectly, again, use kid-gloves with the topic. You have a pretty good head on your shoulders, I'm sure you know the proper "tact" with which to approach the subject at that point.

I served my time in the trenches, trust me. If you bring it up too directly, no matter how sweet your demeanor may be, she may take it as confrontational because she's already bothered by it more than she lets on and she could get very defensive which can lead to a lot more problems.

You need to let her know through her own conclusions that you empathize and can relate. Its a delicate thing, even more so because she's a chick.

EDIT: Ok it seems that you've already started on the right path with her ... very cool

 

[MarcusGHedwig]

Carlos, good call dude, and yeah, I definitely know how fucking infuriating being incessantly told to do something can be, so I'm steering way clear of that - my strategy so far has been to focus on me, talking about how what she does makes me feel and definitely NOT trying to give my analysis on the source of her issues or read too much into them, and because of this she's more inclined to tell me herself (seriously shitty previous relationship that ended around a year ago, for example), which of course has excellent cathartic value, and hey, so far so good!

 

[updog]

And sopulurn (Olli?), she is indeed the same girl from the train, and overall I haven't been disappointed Bummer you didn't end up crossing paths again with the one you met, but the moral of the story is of course to get those digits while you can!

that's nice to hear hopefully things will sort out. Yeah, at least I learnt something

I served my time in the trenches, trust me. If you bring it up too directly, no matter how sweet your demeanor may be, she may take it as confrontational because she's already bothered by it more than she lets on and she could get very defensive which can lead to a lot more problems.

I agree 100% with everything you said. I can fully relate to all of that, just wasn't able to put it into words myself.

 

[SocialNumb]

Anxiety is horrible crippling monster. I've had it the better half of my life. My whole life is molded around it. I work from home so I don't have to deal with people in person. I have general and social anxiety. My mother is really the only person I'm comfortable with. Everyone else, no matter how much I love them, I have to try* to deal with them. That includes my brother and sister. I've done the whole cognitive behavioral therapy thing and it helped as far as not going into a full blown attack. Breathing exercises and relaxing techniques and the like help. A lot of my anxiety stems from control and physically starts in my stomach. Chamomile tea helps some as it relaxes my stomach and gives me a sleepy feeling. Medicine, I've been taking Paroxetine for years, the problem is I don't think it works anymore and I get anxious at the idea of upping doses and quitting. So I'm stuck taking this shit because of some irrational reason.

That's the fucked up thing about Anxiety Disorders. You know what you're going through is completely irrational. You know it can't kill you but you still go through all the motions. Once the chemicals get released you go into emergency mode whether you like it or not. I haven't felt what you would call excitement in years because to me that feeling is the same as anxiety. I can't tell the difference anymore. I really do wish this shit would go away just like it came. In the blink of an eye.

Anyways, thanks for letting me rant in your thread Marcus. It feels good to talk about it over the net.

Good luck to you and your girl. You just have to be patient and try and understand. Learn about it.