best letter of the month ever

azal

love is the answer
Nov 12, 2002
10,888
16
38
42
Belgrade, Serbia
Visit site
I totally LOLed. very well written.

Dear Terrorizer,

How art thou? I have a very simple question to ask, but unfortunately this particular question requires half my life story, so here goes!

I live in the west of Ireland and I grew up listening to metal. In my younger years I only bought Metal Hammer and Kerrang!, Terrorizer was hard to find and even if you could find it we considered it a lunatic magazine! However, as I grown older (I'm 29) I've found myself abandoning the others in favour of yours truly. I'm convinced that if I'm going to find any decent kind of new mental music I'll find it in Terrorizer.

Now, contrary to popular belief the music scene in Ireland absolutely and completely sucks big off giant megalithic stone age donkey balls. The metal scene here is so far underground you need a miner's helmet to find it, but although I'm part of it, the lack of venues and a 90 per cent redneck population ensures that any progress will be snail-like.

So where the fuck am I going with this? Terrorizer is my only guide to what's happening in the world concerning metal, without it, basically I'd be fucked. I like my dark/doom/goth/drone etc, as much as the next human time-bomb and was surprised to see the new SunnO))) album on the shelves and I bought it right away based on your reviews. Imagine my surprise/horror when I put it on and heard the absolute spazz-magnet that spewed forth from my speakers! I had to read the review again I was so confused and I was gonna write in and complain, much like I'm doing now, but I said, no, no Paddy, don't be a cunt, don't be like them other wee bastards who write in and complain every time they don't agree with something, so I didn't.

Then, I bought Khanate's new release, again based on your review and lo and behold another complete and utter pile of cock poo. I'm not saying your reviews were wrong, I'm not saying I disagree with your revies, your reviews were spot-fucking-on, but what fucks me off is the things you don't say, the things you casually fail to mention. For instance, if you'd ended the SunnO))) review with the "P.S. There are no fucking drums on this album whatsoever, and fuck all much else," I wouldn't have wasted twenty quid on it. If you'd ended the Khanate review with, "It's the same fucking child-like riff for half a cunting hour," again I could have wasted my cash on something else, drink/drugs/porn, etc.
That SunnO))) album is taking the piss, your review for that was like trying to sell a car but failing to mention that the car has no wheels. Just tell the whole story, whether it affects album sales or not, 'cos obviously it does. I wonder how many other people bought those albums after reading your reviews and ended up vomiting all over themselves?

So finally I'll get to my poxy question. Based on your reviews, I WAS going to buy the new Earth album, 'Hex...'. Now, in plain fucking English, is it the same bastard riff over and over again with little or no variation? I don't care how surreal it is, how cool or dark, I don't want to know what it "feels like to have a glacier slide over" me or what it feels like to be "trapped under a gradually cooling lava flow". For fuck's sake!!! IS IT A PILE OF SHIT OR NOT?!! 'Cos if I waste another jobbyfest like the last two, I will kill myself and anyone else within a 35-yard radius! Jesus, yez work in a music magazine it shouldn't be too difficult. Thank Christ for the free CD!
Paddy The Cunt, Donegalway, via email


Answer from the staff:

Some might say that the Earth album could have been recorded by a depressed, dribbling village idiot with a memory span of five seconds for all the variation in the riffs played at a rate that would make a Sufi weep with boredom. But we reckon it's an equilibrium-inducing, edge-of-the-world-evoking elegy that feels like having the back of your retina burned away by the last ever sunset. On balance, I reckon you'll love it.
 
Hahahaha:lol: Quality. Pity though, SunnO)) are a band that I'll never quite "get", either.

Edit: There was a pretty decent letter (''of the month'') written to Metal Hammer recently, regarding Maynard James Keenan's snobbish attitude to Tool fans. I could type it up, if anyone's curious.
 
In recent years, Terrorizer has become more concerned with impressing everyone by spewing forth their extensive vocabulary, but at the end they don't say anything about the albums. I'm convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that they take those calendars that have a strange word every day, and use as many of them as they can in each review. I think they hide behind the fact that because there are many metalheads who don't know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground, that they'll just scratch their head and skip over it. Unfortunately, there are people like me who actually don't have to speak monosyllabically and I understand what they're talking about. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with the review, and if it does, the metaphor is so vague and trite that it just kills anything else they were trying to convey. Way too much metaphor, way too much simile, way too much symbolism.

"But we reckon it's an equilibrium-inducing, edge-of-the-world-evoking elegy that feels like having the back of your retina burned away by the last ever sunset. On balance, I reckon you'll love it."

Who the fuck are you? Lord Byron?

You're a heavy metal album reviewer...stop being such a condescending prick. And what's with these reviewers who try and get into the technical aspects of how the album was recorded? Are you the fucking producer? Ok, we get the fact that you failed as a musician so the next best thing is a piece of shit lackey music journalist...the scum of the fucking earth as it is...but guess what? WE'RE MUSICIANS TOO!!! We're not retarded; we know the difference between a triggered kickdrum and a naturally miked one, assholes. And what's with the reviews with the, "the kickdrums on the new album were triggered but sound very natural..."

Guess what? MOST PEOPLE RECORD NATURALLY ANYWAY!!!

In closing, I guess I'm trying to say that if we wanted to know the ins and outs of how the album was recorded, we'll ask the band when they're on tour. Or, if you have any shred of journalistic integrity left, maybe you fuckers could *gasp!!!* ASK the band in the interview, rather than trying to impress people with your lack of music knowledge. Just because you can name off a bunch of underground bands doesn't mean you're a musician, you elitist pricks.

You can rip off Hunter S. Thompson all you want, but you couldn't even lick his balls. He's not only not in the same ballpark as you, he's not even in the same universe...quite literally. You're just a bunch of name-dropping asshats...

At least it comes with a free CD, though.