Could you give me some feedback on my lyrics?

[Domson as TIOBS]

Well, at the moment my style of lyrics is changing a lot; they are getting very pessimistic and depressive at times and more and more reflect myself. I think that here I can find some people that are interested in pretentious music and who can definitely give me some objective and constructive feedback. I would appreciate every comment! Please don't only look at how it sounds but also consider the meaning of the texts cause this is quite important to me, as I already mentioned it's quite personal stuff. So here you are one of my newest texts. (Shit, I have to learn growling )


Dusk Of Insanity
by Domson

October...
Time of birth, time of sorrow
Where the gloom of autumn hides the years
I missed the date of my wishes'
Funeral

Cold beams of a lying sun
Pretending warmth to its followers
Up in the hopeless skies above
I am lost within

Nights cover the whole day
While suppressing any sense
Clouds close the gate to hopes and dreams
I am losing hopes and dreams
The puppets killed me without a hand
I die without losing my life

If someone told me I was alive
I would declare him insane, but who?
Who is insane in this, the source
Of all insanity? It's me...

Oh death, come with your gracious pinions
And carry me away from knowledge
Take my consciousness to the judge
Let me leave the darkened lights
Of this desolate jail
Let the burdens rest forever

December...
Time of death, time of redemption
Where the spirit of winter takes a life
I missed the right way to love
Now it's too late, leave me alone to my
Funeral

 

[demon talented]

Interesting.

I would change the line to "It is me". That would be a lot more potent, I think.

 

[Domson as TIOBS]

Thanks for this first advice; you're right, it would sound better, that way I could lay a lot more emphasis on this important phrase...
But what exactly means "interesting"?

 

[demon talented]

I wouldn't say it's extremely original, but it's well done.

One thing I'm curious - you go from October right to December, excluding November obviously. If you wanted to expand and make that transition, that could really add meaning to this contrast, from the "time of birth...sorrow" and time of "death...redemption." I'm guessing that has something to do with you personally?

I'm a little out of it, so maybe I can speak of it a little more coherently later.

 

[forest of october]

Under a gothic moon,
I lay so battered and torn.
The soil in which I’m dying,
cleansed red, by my heart broken blood.

Alone,
I’ve been too long, left without another soul.
I cannot even grasp a joyful thought,
as I lay here,
dying brokenhearted.

It is you, who sent me here.
To the peril of love’s war.
I can be among a million of the world’s eyes,
but without the sight of yours,
I’m left basking in loneliness.
Dying brokenhearted.

 

[iamunicron]

i'am am sick of this shit, get it a lot in the oom scene, they miss the fucking point of depression, darkness, misanthropy and all that, all they do is fucking whyne and be all arty farty, i wright beuatyfull, saddening, tear jerking music but it dont give a fuck, fuck that crybaby bollocks, get over it you sad bastard, and if you ever do maybe you will understand me, pfft. typical weak man, woman are the future!

 

[Darkness Falls]

right....

 

[Domson as TIOBS]

That was constructive feedback... 0_o

 

[PrinnyD00d]

Clouds close the gate to hopes and dreams
I am losing hopes and dreams

The repetition comes off as kinda weird. I guess if you sang it in the right tone it might work. I dunno, think about it.

 

[Domson as TIOBS]

Yes, I was not sure about this part as well... hm...