THE SECRET DIARY OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS
The Secret Diary of Aragorn, Son of Arathorn
Day one:
Ringwraiths killed: 4, very good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty
miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not king.
Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not king
yet.
Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and
manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back
Still not king.
Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately, very dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not king today either.
Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. very good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if i was
King?
Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I
make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn off.
Still not king.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me, the saucy wench!
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower, YAY! But,
still not king.
Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: Subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his
mind. I think Legolas might be kind of gay.
Nope not king.
Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands, very good!
Boromor killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am
now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about
Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromor seemed to
think I was. Might, however, have been the blood loss.
Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sa with him.
Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about
me either.
Still not king goddammit!
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The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus
Day one:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to
follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very
important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate
all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on
snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of
the Fellowship, Go Me!
Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid
I am developing a tangle. Orc so silly. Still prettiest.
Day ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow... In other news, I think I am developing a
spot on my nose. Very serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last
for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot!
Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am
quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at
least 1,000 years ago. Silly bing. She was most annoyed that I used her
mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her
claims that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has
fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.
Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hel on my complexion. Aragorn
obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him
if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.
Day 33:
boromor tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as
already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by
Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows
around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor
with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist high, so can
see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting..
Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
======================================================================
The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He
thinks he's so great because he's shaggin that bit of elf crumpet on the
side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm defined
muscles, an outdoorsy tan doesn't mean that... what? Got distracted there
for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while
distracted by Aragorn's enormous... rudeness.
Oops.
Day Three:
Stupid ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship!
Day Four:
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it
back, arrogant bastard! Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved
right
up his.....
Stupid Ring!
Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
HA HA HA!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the ring back to Froooodooo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." , "Boromir, quit trying
to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying..
Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me?
Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope
am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not
after what happened to *him*. Merry and Pippin are cute little things,
too.. In other news Gandalf died.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to
my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain.
Got in trouble.
Ha. Ha. Big elfy git!
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time
he did not mean with each other.
Day 33:
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't eve let me look at it.
Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him tryin gto get a gander at it.
Rolled aorund on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a
little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day 35:
killed by Orcs.
Stupid Orcs.
======================================================================
The very Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins:
Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam
gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brohterly love so
wonderful!
Wasn't quite sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it
has something to do with Elf medicine.
Day Three:
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad
move.
Day Four:
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on
the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than thought.
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be
after the ring. Damn its siren call!
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned.
Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of
awesome power.
Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy
wizard hat not just for how. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps
he is just very peculiar.
Day 24:
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find
me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow.
Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27:
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but
she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,
Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So,
gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe
some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30:
Rowed all day in boats, very tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give
me a group massage. Nice to have such very concerned friends. Glad
Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so
much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we're cousins right?
Right??
Day 33:
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly
sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as
Boromir qutie huge.
Day 36:
Everyone keeps hitting on me! Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming
too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic,
brotherly foot massages he's so good at. Am sad to leave rest of company
though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli.
chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.
Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.
======================================================================
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One:
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it
would be all right as Mr. Frodo far to hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?
Day Three:
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.
Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes.
So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one.
then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was
quite enough, Samwise Gamgee!
Poncy odl git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.
Day Four:
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five:
Elf bubble bath very colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all *sulk*
Day six:
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why
his fingers are wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven:
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.
Mr Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly
isn't all that tall.
Day Eight:
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship very dodgy if you ask me.
Especially Boromir, "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my
Aunt Lobelia! Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around
with small men in shorts.
Day Nine:
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will
kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten:
Very dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn
everytime he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into
bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat,
but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire and
not versed in wordily ways.
Pippin says Legolas is Shaggin Gimli. Ick.
Day Fifteen:
Lothlorian very pretty. Blone elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr.
Frodo left, right and center. Pippen agrees. Told Pippin height
difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. frodo could
stand on stilts.
Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two:
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady!
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related,
as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share
boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three:
boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was
trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all
know that's a big fib, don't we?
Day Twenty-Four:
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to MOrdor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs
cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is
depressed and claims now sure he will die a virgin in the barren
wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about that!
