Facts about Mikael Åkerfeldt (inspired by Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel etc)

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@=NoBigDeal=@

Inn I Slottet Fra Drömmen
Jan 28, 2006
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Helsinki
Many of you might know those facts about Chuck Norris or Vin Diesel such as "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried." or "Vin Diesel created Rome. In one day. With his penis."
We all know those 'facts' are just silly jokes. Now it's time to reveal some real facts about the mightiest of the mighty, the frontman of Opeth and the supervisor of the universe, Mikael Åkerfeldt.


Mikael Åkerfeldts guitar sound causes erection. Even for the females. Scientists cannot explain how that is possible.
Mikael Åkerfeldt eats coal and shits diamonds.
In winter 2004-2005 Mikael Åkerfeldt constructed Pear Wiberg from a piece of iron wire and two halogen lamps.
When Mikael Åkerfeldt ejaculates, volcanos feel inferiority complex.
The dinosaurs disappeared and drowned themselves into swamp, when they heard that Mikael Åkerfeldt isn't just a rumour.
 
biggsy said:
Mike will go :erk: when he reads this... that's just embarassing.
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I think that Mike is a humorous man of laughter who doesn't get offended by this thread.

Oh, did I forget to mention that everyone is free to post facts here. I don't wanna be the only one who contributes to this thread.:erk:
 
Ok I'm stealing this but so wtf.

Mikael is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. He has been known to remodel train stations on lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. He translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, writes award-winning operas, and manages time efficiently. Occasionally, he treads water for three days in a row.

Mikael woos women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing, can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and can cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. He is an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Mikael once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. He plays bluegrass cello, was scouted by the Mets, and is the subject of numerous documentaries. When he is bored, Mikael builds large suspension bridges in his yard. He enjoys urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after soundcheck, he repairs electrical appliances free of charge.

Mikael is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear. Mikael does not perspire. He is a private citizen, yet he receives fan mail. He has been caller number nine and has won the weekend passes. Last summer, he toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration team. He bats .400. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles. Children trust Mikael.

Mikael can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed several covert operations for the CIA. Mikael sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair. While on vacation in Canada he successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to Mikael.

He balances, weaves, dodges, frolics, and all his bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, he participates in full-contact origami. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. He has made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. He breeds prize-winning clams. Mikael has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. He has played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and spoken with Elvis.
 
meh, i wanted one's that re-word his comedy routines at shows like:

mikael only uses 4/4 because "its pretty much the simplest beat"

mikael likes the leper affinity because "its a headbangers dream"

mikael's recipe for the ultimate music video includes "snakes, an old guy and a hot chick"

mikael doesn't want any of this "wussy ass headbanging"

etc.
 
wwallinga said:
How many Mikael Åkerfeldts does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. And he does it with his cock.
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thats borderline homosexual...


Mikael Akerfeldts voice is so efficient in getting girls out of their clothes, Seth Green baught him instead of that loud stereo.
 
wwallinga said:
How many Mikael Åkerfeldts does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. And he does it with his cock.
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Whoa, I was listening to April Ethereal and I looked at your sig (I never noticed your sig before) and it was exactly at the part where he says "laughing and weeping at once..." like I started reading it and he was singing it at the same time. Creepy...
 
I called Mike Felteldäd and she says "the best worst worstest threble ever"
 
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