Hey i felt like posting this, u MIGHT find some funny......Some are just ridiculous and some actually contains truth in them...
-It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
-Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
-Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
-Do unto others...then run!
-In the end, be remembered for who you were, not what you did.
-There are only 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, those who can't.
-If you're forced to fight, hit the other person as hard as you can, and if they still get
up, run.
-Never underestimate the power of a redneck......considering most carry shot-guns...
-Make the crap of your past the fertilizer of your future.
-He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.
-75% of all people who died in 1994 died in bed. However, we cannot necessarily assume it was the bed that killed them.
-Don't you always find that when you have forgotten where you have put something, it always shows up at the last place you look!
-Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that ****?
-Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
-I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
-I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
-One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
-The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office
-It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
-Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
-Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
-Do unto others...then run!
-In the end, be remembered for who you were, not what you did.
-There are only 3 types of people in this world: those who can count, those who can't.
-If you're forced to fight, hit the other person as hard as you can, and if they still get
up, run.
-Never underestimate the power of a redneck......considering most carry shot-guns...
-Make the crap of your past the fertilizer of your future.
-He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.
-75% of all people who died in 1994 died in bed. However, we cannot necessarily assume it was the bed that killed them.
-Don't you always find that when you have forgotten where you have put something, it always shows up at the last place you look!
-Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that ****?
-Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
-I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
-I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
-One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
-The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office
