Help me correcting these lyrics

[pitoga]

Greetings

I'm about to start mixing a Power Metal Album, but need to make sure the lyrics are grammatically "correct". Any help is welcome.

7. Eden’sLair

Last night I went to the forgotten garden, our place
I hope someday you will notice that I live for you

Black Roses have fallen in our land
I feel your tears through the cold rain
Nature is dying here with our love
the wind seems to be stuck in time

Walking into our secret place
I can see that our love is still there
I still miss your way to smile and to hold my hand
But your essence won’t fade away

Somehow I hear now a whisper behind me, it can’t be
There is something deep in your beautiful eyes, just like a spark that calls me back, hear my voice and my song only in your dreams every spring.
Darling don’t play with me how can you dare
I’m gonna leave all behind

 

[Plendakor]

My english sucks but here's what I think:
fallin *on* our land, waling *in* our secret place, I still miss your way to smile and to hold my hand (the whole sentence), *everything* behind

 

[DarkTom666]

7. Eden’sLair

Last night I went to the forgotten garden, our place
I hope someday you will notice that I live for you

Black Roses have fallen on our land
I feel your tears through the cold rain
Nature is dying here with our love
the wind seems to be stuck in time

Walking into our secret place
I can see that our love is still there
I still miss the way you smile and you hold my hand
But your essence won’t fade away

Somehow I now hear a whisper behind me, it can’t be
There is something deep in your beautiful eyes, just like a spark that calls me back, hear my voice and my song only in your dreams every spring.
Darling don’t play with me, how do you dare
I’m gonna leave it* all behind

*or "everything behind" like Plendakor mentionned, it's up to you.

Hope this helps a bit.

Also, the sentence in green is incoherent, but as I did not know what exactly you wanted to express with it, I did not correct it. If you could explain the meaning of said sentence, I'll be glad to help again ^^

 

[Plendakor]

bon check lé là ;P

 

[pitoga]

Thanks so far for the corrections. Is it really wrong to say: "your way to smile" and "to leave all behind"? If yes there is some mayor problem, cause i think the album is called "leaving all behind"

 

[John_C]

Black Roses have fallen in our land (i think you probably mean on not in)

I still miss your way to smile and to hold my hand (this is wrong)
"I still miss the way you smile and hold my hand" or "I still miss the way you smile, the way you hold my hand" perhaps? The constructions you can use are: "the way you xxxx" "how you xxxx" where xxxx is just normal "hold my hand" or "smile".
Alternatively, if you want to use a similar construction to the original: "your way of xxxx" where xxxx would be "smiling" or "holding my hand"


Somehow I hear now a whisper behind me, it can’t be (not technically wrong, but everyone in the last 100 years would say "Somehow, now, I hear a whisper")

There is something deep in your beautiful eyes, just like a spark that calls me back, hear my voice and my song only in your dreams every spring.
Darling don’t play with me how can you dare (Could be "how do you dare", I think it's pretty odd either way but I like the original better)
I’m gonna leave all behind (nothing wrong with this in a song, but technically "leave all behind" is a command, "leave it all behind" is the normal statement)