PETA TRIAL BEGINS
Super-hot super-sexy Adria Hinkle goes on trial for mass-murdering animals... since when is that a crime? Shit, I probably ate like 100 mass-murdered animals in the last year alone.
WINTON - Today, two employees of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a radical animal-rights group that opposes meat-eating, are on trial for the strangest of charges: killing animals.
Fuck, it took a long time for this trial to get started. I thought the constitution said something about rights to speedy trials? How long does it take to gather evidence against two whack-jobs caught red-handed pouring gallons of strangled bunnies, kittens, and puppies into a dumpster?
PETA is based in Norfolk, Va., but its work has international scope. Now, two of its employees stand accused of tossing garbage bags full of euthanized cats and dogs into a Dumpster behind a Piggly Wiggly in Hertford County, 130 miles northeast of Raleigh.
Dumping dead animals behind Piggly-Wiggly. Oh, the Irony!
Adria J. Hinkle and Andrew B. Cook, both of whom work in PETA's Norfolk office, are charged with 21 counts each of animal cruelty, a felony that can carry prison time, along with littering and obtaining property by false pretenses.
As Mugatu said, "Oh, its Hinkle! She so hot right now!"
It is a strange turn of events for PETA. The group's supporters have often been prosecuted for their radical efforts to protect animals -- breaking into fashion shows to throw blood on fur-wearing models, liberating lab animals, showing gory videos outside the circus -- but PETA has never been accused of hurting animals.
Well, I have always accused PETA members of interbreeding with animals... After all, it was Mugatu who said, "Hinkle! So hot right now! Hinkle!"
Those who oppose PETA are seizing on the trial. They sat through two days of jury selection -- longer than for many murder trials -- during which lawyers struggled to find jurors who weren't close friends or business associates of any of the more than 60 witnesses.
60 witnesses to the dumping of dead animals at night? Didn't these PETA freaks realise they were doing this right outside a metal concert as it was letting out?
"Hey! Check out the bitch emptyin' a garbage bag of dead puppies! Fuckin A, man! Ozzy's too brain dead to bite the heads off bats, but at least we get some dead animal action after the show!"
Now, jurors will decide whether Hinkle and Cook were, as PETA argues, providing humane deaths to animals that would otherwise have been painfully killed in gas chambers -- or whether, as several local officials say, they were taking animals on the promise of finding them homes and secretly killing them.
I'd go for the latter. Its freakin expensive keeping tasty food alive and kicking.
A PETA spokeswoman, Kathy Guillermo, said PETA never wanted to get into the business of euthanizing animals. But she said the group couldn't ignore the horrible conditions in animal shelters around Norfolk and in northeastern North Carolina. The group now euthanizes thousands of animals a year. "Euthanasia is a better alternative to sitting in a stinking pound," Guillermo said.
That's what Kervorkian was saying. But nobody's euthanised him... Yet.
PETA opponents are drawing attention to this little-known facet of the group's work.
They ought to draw attention to Hinkle's super stardom. As Mugatu said, "Oh god! Its that damned Hinkle! She's so hot right now! Get her!"
On Monday morning, the Washington D.C.-based Center for Consumer Freedom, an anti-PETA group funded by restaurants and meat producers, drove a mobile billboard truck reading "PETA: As Warm and Cuddly as You Thought?" past the courthouse.
David Martosko, research director for the group, described the case as a gift in his fight to discredit PETA. He plans to monitor the entire trial. "Most people would not believe, if you told them two years ago, that PETA kills animals. They'd say, 'What? They're the bunny huggers,' " Martosko said.
They are! They hug bunnies with piano wire, cuddle them with plastic bags, and massage them with hammers! Soooo adorable!
Jurched