Black Winter Day
Member
mousewings, you remind me of a girl I once knew. Back in 12th grade, I had several classes with her. She was very plain and quiet and I hardly ever noticed her. One day, she started sending me anonymous secret-admirer emails. This continued, I kept asking who it was, finally she revealed it was her. I was a bit disappointed to know it wasn't a hot girl, but I was very nice in my emails. Well, the stalking didn't end. She never dared speak to me in class, but she kept up her little internet game. I'm going to post an email I recieved from her towards the end of that year. I'm not going to ask anyone to read it all, hell I can't even get through all this shit. But reading a bit here and there will give you a good impression of the mentality we're dealing with here. I changed my AIM name and stopped answering her emails when I started college. I got one of my girl friends to tell her to fuck off. The stalking became so obsessive that she started calling my house, when I made it clear that I was NOT interested in her AT ALL. But the internet charade kept going. It was around this time that she sent this email. What's the moral of this story: don't base your fascination/crushes on 1) people you "meet" on the internet or 2) people you don't talk to in real life, who you see every day, but talk candidly over the internet. It's disturbing, nerdy and ultimately... futile. But then again, I know some people (like ct_thrash and Chromatose) that "met" over the net and ended up having nice relationships. All I'm saying is... well, read some of this email and you'll understand...
Hi Justin. I'm going to try not to get too upset..but believe you me, if what just happened to me happened to you too, you would VERY angry as well. I had an EXTREMELY long email written to you (and I think I was almost done too), but guess what happened to me? The whole "fate crap" thing. The WHOLE. ENTIRE. COMPLETE. Loooooong email that I had written to you was lost. My internet froze. I was in the process of it and the thing.. just..it just freakin' froze!! OMG! U don't EVEN know how upset I am! I'm like almost in tears it's so bad! I mean, I started on that thing 3 hours ago (like at 12 after people finished IMing me so that I could fully concentrate on this, because as you will see, you are very meaningful to me). Okay, so now it's 3:41 in the morning. I estimate another 3 or more hours. So guess what? I'm stayin' up to write you this email. I figure you need this by tomorrow; Well, I want you to read it tomorrow that is. I mean, I could write an email like this any day of the week (since it's 2 u) but I just feel the need to get this 2 you asap. Things have just been put on hold 2 long for me. I've GOT to get this out!
Okay, first off. God that last email was like perfect! It explained everything! All is against me it seems. I'm just in ill-favor of fate obviously. Sux 2 be me.
Alrighty, anew and afresh is how it has to be, so im'a tackle it! (dammit) Now, don't think I'm mad about writing this email, because I certainly am not! I love writing to you actually. You are just the type of person, the only person I've ever met actually, (and a guy at that! the ONLY guy that is) who is so unbelievably cool to me I don't even get it. But I do what my heart tells me, so let me begin.
The first thing I wanted to tell you is that I'm changing my ways, just like I was referring to in my IM. You don't know how sucky it's been for me this past week and some miscellaneous past days of our Sr. Yr.--just because I chose not to or couldn't talk to u. This is the most regretable and indecent (2 myself) decision that I've ever made in my life right now. It amazes me that I didn't just go up and talk to you. It's so wierd how my actions did SO not fit my thoughts. It's just like implausible how anyone who feels as strongly as I do about you couldn't or wouldn't just go with it! You know what i'm saying? I'm sorry for all of this, but I'm SERIOUSLY into you and it's hard not think about you at times. This is really going to freak you out, as it does me, but Justin, you have surpassed Keanu right now in my thoughts! OMG it's soooo true. Unbelievable, but true. Do you get how strongly I feel for you now? It is intense. Truly, it is.
(God, this email seems so shitty to me compared to my last!!! *screams!* I'm telling you! That thing was a masterpiece! An articulately spun creation, indeed!)
I have soooo much to tell you. You are honestly, the COOLEST and most <God! I can't even think of a word! Maybe I should make one up ;-) Hey, I used to do this all the time in elementary school when I'd write and my dream was to be a writer
> INCREDIBLE and SINCERE guy! Man, there are just TOO many words to describe you with...since you are the greatest! You mean more to me than you know. So, I'm sorry I never took the iniative to talk to you a lot at school, and like I said, I now fall into the depths of great regret. I mean, I love you dude! I do, I truly do. And I miss you so intensely it's alarming. You may not think someone can like someone else as intensely as I do you when they hardly ever talked to them at school! But I'm telling you it's possible; and I'm living proof. I promise you every word that I "say" is COMPLETEY true and accurate.
So I'm changing my ways. This implies that I'm going to try and be more like I am at home, which is out-going, open, spontaneous, and out-spoken (definately out-spoken). I've learned a lot from all of this. My choices have affected me for a great while now. My incredulous decisions, outlandish even, are REALLY affecting me now.
It's hard to tell you, but I'm telling you my thoughts were not mirrored by my actions. I do promise you that. I mean, really, I've liked you for a year now: 2nd semester Jr. Yr. and 2nd semester Sr. Yr. But I do prophesize that I am too late. I'm too late in telling you all this. I wish that things were easier. I wish everything could be good for EVERYONE.
I actually would have rather discussed this with you either in person or on the phone just to let you know how serious I am about this whole thing; about me changing and that I'm 4real. I feel that you, or hardly any others at school, have gotten to know the REAL me. Hopefully, you have picked up on some of my out-going personality/temperament in IM. I mean, I feel that I haven't really exposed my entire self to everyone. Another incompetent decision that I deeply regret making...paying for it now. Again, sux 2 be me. But, honestly, maybe you could've picked up on part of this quality on that little English presentation of The Darker Side of the Human Mind. I mean, I know that I was okay up there-referring to my abilities as speaker and in a way leader-but I know that my abilities can extend FAR beyond that. And I do aspire to greater heights in this area as well. I'm capable of more is what I'm saying. Things are going to be different when I go to college. And I'm going to miss you when I'm @ college too, btw. It will definately be tough. This may be a little 2 straightforward, but if you are open to this idea, it would be like sooo totally awesome if we could do stuff on the weekends, like b/t all the stress and work that comes with college.
(I'm still upset that my other email is lost/erased. U don't even know!! *I'm really tearing up* I'm so upset! I hate it that that wasn't supposed to be....God, it's probably forshadowing some event in my not so distant life. Shit! I'ma cry! This SUX!!!)
This whole thing about calling my affection for you an "obsession" is probably, in all reality, pretty accurate. Well, who am i kiddin'? If you're up there with Keanu, there's no way that it's not. Sometimes "obsession" carries a negative connotation with it, however, but I promise you that that's simply not true in this situation. For instance, I AM NOT a stalker, ANYTHING near it, nor will EVER be one. That's just strikes me as an insiduous idea, COMPLETELY insane. Don't worry, I'm not EVEN gonna go down that dead-end road, even though some (like LEE!!!) think I'm actually gonna stalk Keanu!!! Can you believe this??! And if I've never had the thought or desire to want to invade/infiltrate Keanu's personal space/life, than in no way am I going to do anything close to you. I do not know where you live or your # (Chasidy called, and I can't remember your #) so please don't think I'm a psycho! I may be obsessed, but I'm clearly not psychotic! Like my mom...now, there's a different story. If I ever have a boyfriend, or even any of my friends, they are not going to be exposed to such a cruel person! I'm telling you, she brings out the worst in me. Unlike you, who makes me so "flowery"-D) and fluent with emails! I can't help it! When there's this much feeling, you just tend to write with a passion! (but in no way does this email top my prior...beautiful! *cries!* other one) [and sorry if this is getting a little long. i hope you haven't got things to do, people to see. i mean i don't want to infringe upon anything. so please just remain attentive a bit longer so that i may try to tell you how i feel....i still wanna tell you in person tho] But, yeah, my mother is messed up, and I would never expose anyone to such a hell. I have to live it everyday, and it sux; but i deal. So, no one can ever come to my house, but I live.
It's kind of ironic, well actually, no it isn't-that like EVERY ONE of my friends knew how emphatic I was over you! (wait, that's the word, right?? lol sorry) I talked about you to like sooo many people. And for some odd and surprising reason they never got tired of it! (well, except for one, and you know who) ...sooooo many people...sarah, kristine, maria, jay, the other jay, matt, mandy, will, my sister, whitnee, tiffany, krystal, crystal, leah, erica, my sister (tina), pierre, haley (who is agnostic, btw, ha cool huh?), allie, GOD!! so MANY people! and for some reason, somehow I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. And NOW I know that I'm late, but even if I told you then, it wouldn't mean anything probably. But still, I should have said something. Oh the pangs of regret.
I meant to thank you for the note from Mrs. Adams' class too. I REALLY enjoyed getting that from you. It was the whole concept that appealed to me, and, honestly, I was going to write something to you too, but like I said my sucky memory didn't allow for it. I wanted to write one to everyone else 2. :'(
But I SERIOUSLY do not understand why you do not see my reasons for being so interested in you. You are sooo appealing, it's unreal! Justin, let me just tell you, I started liking you for your personality. I think that you honestly have the best personality of ANY guy I've ever met. You are just so open-minded and so understanding of so much. It's just amazing all that you are capable of. Your intelligence is what REALLY appeals to me tho. It's "super sexy!" (hope that doesn't sound gay lol, it just came to me; and i was fond of the alliteration too). Hah! I'm not done yet! EVERY word that 'comes out of my mouth' is COMPLETELY TRUE. I mean what I say. I'm a fond believer in the truth, and resent those who do not hold the same principles or standards. Although I'm not judgemental, I do disfavor it so much that I won't even associate with those who are completey opposite to what I believe is right. Ya feel me? (haha, i'm just laughing at how colloquial that statement is when compared to the rest of what I've been typing) But neway, I adore all of your qualites. I think it sooo completey smart to question things. I mean why live by other people's structures when you don't even fully comprehend them?! I understand EXACTLY where you're coming from? Why live your life by other people's standards when you don't feel them incomplacent, or you disagree or are discouraged (or such) by them? It's TOTALLY cool that you are the way you are, and when I told you that I respected you for being agnostic it was genuine. My response was genuine and has remained as such because I truly believe that you are going to do something great one of these days. And you know what?! I have ALWAYS wanted to do something massive and important/positive and world-changing with my life FOR THE GREATER GOOD, the masses even! I mean, I want to help people out. I want to do great things for people. That's actually why I wanted to be a biologist because I thought I had the cure for cancer from this book I read. But you and I both know how that turned out, the desire to want to continue into that field, that is. I made a freakin' D! in that class, btw. All I can do is hope I passed the test I guess. But, I wanted to do it; I wanted to help and I wanted to be remembered for it! But the thing is, I know that I can still do that, which is wonderful. When I say "that" I"m referring my breakthrough for "THE GREATER GOOD" in whatever I choose to endeavor. Justin, and I honestly have to thank you for opening me up to all those awesome and ground-breaking ideas that you hold. I am truly VERY thankful that you exposed me to such a view. I think you've had a significant impact on my life (as little as you think you may mean to me...you mean the world! again, ALL is true. Do not think I'm JUST throwing you compliments. I truly am in love with all that is and will be JUSTIN!! haha! Sorry if I'm intense, but it DOES mirror my feelings). Such an impact, in fact, that I've explored new things and have grew as a person. That's why I say this, because I have grew as a person after meeting you. You are just...god! (lol i'm not calling you god)|||....damn! lol you're good!! You know what would be so majorly cool!?!?!?!? If you and me talked about EVERYTHING: philosophy, religion, the whole aspect of life (well guess that kinda fits philosophy, actually it does, so yeah lol), OBT, just EVERYTHING! I bet we could arrive at some pretty profound things. I'm implying over time though, of course. If this is alright with you of course. I'm all for it! It'd be really cool if we could correlate ideas and fit them into a framework to befit the entire population! (If you get where I'm coming from and what I'm meaning) I remember some of those things that you told me when you first informed me that you were agnostic; it'd be great if you could further these ideas with some of your own...like arrive at some things over time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever want to go on an intense journey through life and find and make some great insights invite me along for the ride! Man that would be fun!!
I don't even know if Gboro is gonna have what I want to major in when I finally do figure out what I want to do (something great of course!). This is gonna probably freak you out, surprise, alarm, or astonish you, but I wanted to go to Chapel Hill too be4 (Jr. Yr. actually). Don't worry, I wasn't influenced by U. This was actually be4 I'd ever began noticing what an interesting person you were. Now don't let this freak you out, but if I don't find what I'm looking for at Greensboro College, I think I might go (transfer) to Chapel Hill since it was where I wanted to go when I first began thinking about college. Since they do have so much to choose from, and I DO need options. I can't handle a small availability of majors from which to choose. :-\
It's wierd ( I guess ) how I tell you all my thoughts and dreams and desires and hopes because I don't really tell those to anyone except those who seem so meaningful to me. And btw, don't think I won't be just as I am in this email the next time I see ya (Heck I wanna hug ya! lol actually, been wanting to for awhile now); I'll be soooo happy to see you!! Even though I can't have you [which SUX SUX SUX did i say SUX??!] I'm honored to have ever met anyone as worthy of one's attention, affection, and friendship as you. I mean it all, every last bit of it.
Seems like I'm writing a book lol, but it comes pretty innately ... I've always kinda been like this, and sorry if you're growing bored with this insanely long email, but I gotta let 'cha know!! Ha, but it's STILL not as long as the other was, amazingly.
Well, I know that you're caught up in other things at the moment. Life's not always so grand for all of us (I'm referring to myself, btw), and I just hope it gets better. I hope that the choices that you make are 10X better than most of mine...my regrettable ones that is. I tend to make good decisions more often times than not, which is kinda surprising. Like this decision, to write this email--I think that this is a good decision even though I know that I'm not going to actually benefit from it since I CAN'T HAVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! In addition, I also think that my decision to have liked you for so long was a PERFECT one. You know, I'm still going to like you after you read this email and know that you're not going to date me or anything. Believe me, it's so severe it won't be gone anytime soon. So I'll suffer for a while...just like I have the whole week, prior to this. I was depressed because, well, I neglected to mention it to U on IM, but it was because I hadn't gotten to talk, IM, or communicate with you at all! And so yeah, I got depressed. A week was a fuckin' long time!
I hope you're still not TOO shocked or appalled by all of this, but it's all true and I was going to tell you sometime or another. If you weren't so damn charming and intriguing and ooo so appealing then I wouldn't have it so bad lol. And, yes, IT IS bad. REALLY bad. INTENSE, even. So intense that it is now 5:57am and I'm still not done!! But, it's okay that I'm losing sleep over something that's so important to me, over someone who's so important to me. (daylight outside now)
You know, I miss school. I miss my fave class and my fave teacher with my fave person!! ie. AP ENG. | M. Adams | & YOU! I'm sure that you definately do not realize how much I enjoyed that class. It actually brightened my day to have that AWESOME class with the best teacher ever!! and the coolest dude. I bet you find it hard to believe, in considering my mere subtleties. But you know, neither of us hardly ever went up to talk to one another. One of us should have! And it shoulda been me! **regret weighs HEAVILY** I can't believe how important that class was either! I learned A LOT!! I mean EXTREME amounts of info. I think I'm def prepared for college now. And, I also think you're going to make a 5 once again you sexy smart man! So from that you gather how much I miss ya, right? *greatly*
I still can't believe that we've graduated either. Well, this email has surprised me (ha like it has a mind of it's own. yah rite.) and has seemed to come together quite nicely. The other was less formal and sounded more like how I speak. lol Thank you for reading all of this Justin. You are really kind to call me "...very interesting and intelligent..." Guess I've lived up to it again in this email. Email is actually the only way you've really gotten to know me. That and IM. I think I should extend this; I definately want to. But of course, things interfere. I sense something's up...I'm hey, this is wierd, but I seroiusly have some psychic ability. For instance, I can be listening to the radio or something, or not even, and be thinking of a song, and it comes on right after! Or I'll think of something and it will happen sometimes..things like this. That OBE stuff does explain a lot tho...about why things occur as they do, and y things are as they are.
Every so often I copy this email...ehm....just in case something shitty happens to my computer again!! :-$ "gay" haha yeah
Oh! You should give me phone number so that I can keep in touch with you. I bet it kinda surprises or wierds you out how reserved and silent I am everytime you saw me, but how upfront and forthright I am when I have something on my mind and just blurt it out. Well, hey there's an idea. And I still want to see "Reloaded" with you. We must go see it soon! I think you'll like it. Oh yes, reminds me of another aspect of your personality which is really attractive to me. You are so unconventional and you are so different from others, and just like me and a lot of others you could care less (ouch!! carpal tunnel :'( my hands are hurting) what others think of what or how you want to be. Justin, I think we're alike in more ways than you know; and in short that's why I'm in love with you. Hey, it's true, when you obsess over someone for long enough you tend to lean in the direction of loving them. And do you honestly think I'm shitting you with this statement after all I've typed and explained? NO! And, in addition, I do know what love is;it's not a term to be used lightly. I am WELL aware of this. Hey, I love my sister too lol. Oh, so do you get now why I'm so close with my sister? Since she's like the only other one in the house, besides my paranoid parent, we are closer than most bro/sis tend to be. But that is why if you ever thought it wierd that I hung around with her at school or whatever.
Sorry if I kinda am off-the-wall with some topics that I bring up, but I'm just trying to tell you as much as I can think of to amount to everything, as in relation to the title of this email. But, of course, there's always more that happens in life and always more to explain, so it's not going to be ALL here.
Well, I do think that this is finally the end, of the email that is. (**hopefully things won't feel ended when i hear your response to this email**) It's actually 6:28 in the morning, my hands feel funny, it's daylight, and I'm kinda tired, but that's not why I'm stopping. I wouldn't stop if I had more to say. I'm just like that. I'll go for 5 hours on something that I feel I MUST complete. ( actually went for more than 5 on this...retyping...grrrrr)
Well, Justin, please do not get too irritated or whatever with this. Write me back if you want. I would be cool with that if you wanted to. I know you're getting online today, cuz you said you would. I want to talk to you on IM too. I don't know when I'll be on.....I need a bit of sleep....my grandparents want me to go out with them today too (oh and my grandparents are the ones that you've seen if you've ever looked -- u know, blue car yep. those are my grandparents. so that's not my mom if you're wondering)...I may be on around 3 or so. And, as always, I look forward to talking to you. I hope that your day is good, and all goes well--as I hope and am desirous of on my part. I hope you have finally figured out why I like you. It's countless reasons Justin. Just so many. U just keep getting better & better imo.
Oh! and i got my pictures developed. I looooooooove that picture! lol I should send you a copy. you are VERY cute in it i think. your personality makes you so hot i can't even begin there, and you probably wouldn't want me to because that could get DETAILED and ha..maybe even a little uh..x-rated. okay! god, so i'm crazy! but obsessions lead to lots of things. well, goodnight justin. no. good morning. and it will probalbly be good afternoon or evening when you read this. so, hey, threw all the salutations in there. just to make sure one is right.
well c-ya!
and I'll talk to you today, i'm honestly REALLY looking fwd to this, so just be on please. i'm not looking fwd to it for anything particular, just so you know, i'm looking fwd to it because its a chat with YOU-the man! lol okay, "gotta run. catcha later!"
& I love ya!
Hi Justin. I'm going to try not to get too upset..but believe you me, if what just happened to me happened to you too, you would VERY angry as well. I had an EXTREMELY long email written to you (and I think I was almost done too), but guess what happened to me? The whole "fate crap" thing. The WHOLE. ENTIRE. COMPLETE. Loooooong email that I had written to you was lost. My internet froze. I was in the process of it and the thing.. just..it just freakin' froze!! OMG! U don't EVEN know how upset I am! I'm like almost in tears it's so bad! I mean, I started on that thing 3 hours ago (like at 12 after people finished IMing me so that I could fully concentrate on this, because as you will see, you are very meaningful to me). Okay, so now it's 3:41 in the morning. I estimate another 3 or more hours. So guess what? I'm stayin' up to write you this email. I figure you need this by tomorrow; Well, I want you to read it tomorrow that is. I mean, I could write an email like this any day of the week (since it's 2 u) but I just feel the need to get this 2 you asap. Things have just been put on hold 2 long for me. I've GOT to get this out!
Okay, first off. God that last email was like perfect! It explained everything! All is against me it seems. I'm just in ill-favor of fate obviously. Sux 2 be me.
Alrighty, anew and afresh is how it has to be, so im'a tackle it! (dammit) Now, don't think I'm mad about writing this email, because I certainly am not! I love writing to you actually. You are just the type of person, the only person I've ever met actually, (and a guy at that! the ONLY guy that is) who is so unbelievably cool to me I don't even get it. But I do what my heart tells me, so let me begin.
The first thing I wanted to tell you is that I'm changing my ways, just like I was referring to in my IM. You don't know how sucky it's been for me this past week and some miscellaneous past days of our Sr. Yr.--just because I chose not to or couldn't talk to u. This is the most regretable and indecent (2 myself) decision that I've ever made in my life right now. It amazes me that I didn't just go up and talk to you. It's so wierd how my actions did SO not fit my thoughts. It's just like implausible how anyone who feels as strongly as I do about you couldn't or wouldn't just go with it! You know what i'm saying? I'm sorry for all of this, but I'm SERIOUSLY into you and it's hard not think about you at times. This is really going to freak you out, as it does me, but Justin, you have surpassed Keanu right now in my thoughts! OMG it's soooo true. Unbelievable, but true. Do you get how strongly I feel for you now? It is intense. Truly, it is.
(God, this email seems so shitty to me compared to my last!!! *screams!* I'm telling you! That thing was a masterpiece! An articulately spun creation, indeed!)
I have soooo much to tell you. You are honestly, the COOLEST and most <God! I can't even think of a word! Maybe I should make one up ;-) Hey, I used to do this all the time in elementary school when I'd write and my dream was to be a writer
> INCREDIBLE and SINCERE guy! Man, there are just TOO many words to describe you with...since you are the greatest! You mean more to me than you know. So, I'm sorry I never took the iniative to talk to you a lot at school, and like I said, I now fall into the depths of great regret. I mean, I love you dude! I do, I truly do. And I miss you so intensely it's alarming. You may not think someone can like someone else as intensely as I do you when they hardly ever talked to them at school! But I'm telling you it's possible; and I'm living proof. I promise you every word that I "say" is COMPLETEY true and accurate. So I'm changing my ways. This implies that I'm going to try and be more like I am at home, which is out-going, open, spontaneous, and out-spoken (definately out-spoken). I've learned a lot from all of this. My choices have affected me for a great while now. My incredulous decisions, outlandish even, are REALLY affecting me now.
It's hard to tell you, but I'm telling you my thoughts were not mirrored by my actions. I do promise you that. I mean, really, I've liked you for a year now: 2nd semester Jr. Yr. and 2nd semester Sr. Yr. But I do prophesize that I am too late. I'm too late in telling you all this. I wish that things were easier. I wish everything could be good for EVERYONE.
I actually would have rather discussed this with you either in person or on the phone just to let you know how serious I am about this whole thing; about me changing and that I'm 4real. I feel that you, or hardly any others at school, have gotten to know the REAL me. Hopefully, you have picked up on some of my out-going personality/temperament in IM. I mean, I feel that I haven't really exposed my entire self to everyone. Another incompetent decision that I deeply regret making...paying for it now. Again, sux 2 be me. But, honestly, maybe you could've picked up on part of this quality on that little English presentation of The Darker Side of the Human Mind. I mean, I know that I was okay up there-referring to my abilities as speaker and in a way leader-but I know that my abilities can extend FAR beyond that. And I do aspire to greater heights in this area as well. I'm capable of more is what I'm saying. Things are going to be different when I go to college. And I'm going to miss you when I'm @ college too, btw. It will definately be tough. This may be a little 2 straightforward, but if you are open to this idea, it would be like sooo totally awesome if we could do stuff on the weekends, like b/t all the stress and work that comes with college.
(I'm still upset that my other email is lost/erased. U don't even know!! *I'm really tearing up* I'm so upset! I hate it that that wasn't supposed to be....God, it's probably forshadowing some event in my not so distant life. Shit! I'ma cry! This SUX!!!)
This whole thing about calling my affection for you an "obsession" is probably, in all reality, pretty accurate. Well, who am i kiddin'? If you're up there with Keanu, there's no way that it's not. Sometimes "obsession" carries a negative connotation with it, however, but I promise you that that's simply not true in this situation. For instance, I AM NOT a stalker, ANYTHING near it, nor will EVER be one. That's just strikes me as an insiduous idea, COMPLETELY insane. Don't worry, I'm not EVEN gonna go down that dead-end road, even though some (like LEE!!!) think I'm actually gonna stalk Keanu!!! Can you believe this??! And if I've never had the thought or desire to want to invade/infiltrate Keanu's personal space/life, than in no way am I going to do anything close to you. I do not know where you live or your # (Chasidy called, and I can't remember your #) so please don't think I'm a psycho! I may be obsessed, but I'm clearly not psychotic! Like my mom...now, there's a different story. If I ever have a boyfriend, or even any of my friends, they are not going to be exposed to such a cruel person! I'm telling you, she brings out the worst in me. Unlike you, who makes me so "flowery"
-D) and fluent with emails! I can't help it! When there's this much feeling, you just tend to write with a passion! (but in no way does this email top my prior...beautiful! *cries!* other one) [and sorry if this is getting a little long. i hope you haven't got things to do, people to see. i mean i don't want to infringe upon anything. so please just remain attentive a bit longer so that i may try to tell you how i feel....i still wanna tell you in person tho] But, yeah, my mother is messed up, and I would never expose anyone to such a hell. I have to live it everyday, and it sux; but i deal. So, no one can ever come to my house, but I live. It's kind of ironic, well actually, no it isn't-that like EVERY ONE of my friends knew how emphatic I was over you! (wait, that's the word, right?? lol sorry) I talked about you to like sooo many people. And for some odd and surprising reason they never got tired of it! (well, except for one, and you know who) ...sooooo many people...sarah, kristine, maria, jay, the other jay, matt, mandy, will, my sister, whitnee, tiffany, krystal, crystal, leah, erica, my sister (tina), pierre, haley (who is agnostic, btw, ha cool huh?), allie, GOD!! so MANY people! and for some reason, somehow I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. And NOW I know that I'm late, but even if I told you then, it wouldn't mean anything probably. But still, I should have said something. Oh the pangs of regret.
I meant to thank you for the note from Mrs. Adams' class too
. I REALLY enjoyed getting that from you. It was the whole concept that appealed to me, and, honestly, I was going to write something to you too, but like I said my sucky memory didn't allow for it. I wanted to write one to everyone else 2. :'( But I SERIOUSLY do not understand why you do not see my reasons for being so interested in you. You are sooo appealing, it's unreal! Justin, let me just tell you, I started liking you for your personality. I think that you honestly have the best personality of ANY guy I've ever met. You are just so open-minded and so understanding of so much. It's just amazing all that you are capable of. Your intelligence is what REALLY appeals to me tho. It's "super sexy!" (hope that doesn't sound gay lol, it just came to me; and i was fond of the alliteration too). Hah! I'm not done yet! EVERY word that 'comes out of my mouth' is COMPLETELY TRUE. I mean what I say. I'm a fond believer in the truth, and resent those who do not hold the same principles or standards. Although I'm not judgemental, I do disfavor it so much that I won't even associate with those who are completey opposite to what I believe is right. Ya feel me? (haha, i'm just laughing at how colloquial that statement is when compared to the rest of what I've been typing) But neway, I adore all of your qualites. I think it sooo completey smart to question things. I mean why live by other people's structures when you don't even fully comprehend them?! I understand EXACTLY where you're coming from? Why live your life by other people's standards when you don't feel them incomplacent, or you disagree or are discouraged (or such) by them? It's TOTALLY cool that you are the way you are, and when I told you that I respected you for being agnostic it was genuine. My response was genuine and has remained as such because I truly believe that you are going to do something great one of these days. And you know what?! I have ALWAYS wanted to do something massive and important/positive and world-changing with my life FOR THE GREATER GOOD, the masses even! I mean, I want to help people out. I want to do great things for people. That's actually why I wanted to be a biologist because I thought I had the cure for cancer from this book I read. But you and I both know how that turned out, the desire to want to continue into that field, that is. I made a freakin' D! in that class, btw. All I can do is hope I passed the test I guess. But, I wanted to do it; I wanted to help and I wanted to be remembered for it! But the thing is, I know that I can still do that, which is wonderful. When I say "that" I"m referring my breakthrough for "THE GREATER GOOD" in whatever I choose to endeavor. Justin, and I honestly have to thank you for opening me up to all those awesome and ground-breaking ideas that you hold. I am truly VERY thankful that you exposed me to such a view. I think you've had a significant impact on my life (as little as you think you may mean to me...you mean the world! again, ALL is true. Do not think I'm JUST throwing you compliments. I truly am in love with all that is and will be JUSTIN!! haha! Sorry if I'm intense, but it DOES mirror my feelings). Such an impact, in fact, that I've explored new things and have grew as a person. That's why I say this, because I have grew as a person after meeting you. You are just...god! (lol i'm not calling you god)|||....damn! lol you're good!! You know what would be so majorly cool!?!?!?!? If you and me talked about EVERYTHING: philosophy, religion, the whole aspect of life (well guess that kinda fits philosophy, actually it does, so yeah lol), OBT, just EVERYTHING! I bet we could arrive at some pretty profound things. I'm implying over time though, of course. If this is alright with you of course. I'm all for it! It'd be really cool if we could correlate ideas and fit them into a framework to befit the entire population! (If you get where I'm coming from and what I'm meaning) I remember some of those things that you told me when you first informed me that you were agnostic; it'd be great if you could further these ideas with some of your own...like arrive at some things over time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever want to go on an intense journey through life and find and make some great insights invite me along for the ride! Man that would be fun!!
I don't even know if Gboro is gonna have what I want to major in when I finally do figure out what I want to do (something great of course!). This is gonna probably freak you out, surprise, alarm, or astonish you, but I wanted to go to Chapel Hill too be4 (Jr. Yr. actually). Don't worry, I wasn't influenced by U.
This was actually be4 I'd ever began noticing what an interesting person you were. Now don't let this freak you out, but if I don't find what I'm looking for at Greensboro College, I think I might go (transfer) to Chapel Hill since it was where I wanted to go when I first began thinking about college. Since they do have so much to choose from, and I DO need options. I can't handle a small availability of majors from which to choose. :-\ It's wierd ( I guess ) how I tell you all my thoughts and dreams and desires and hopes because I don't really tell those to anyone except those who seem so meaningful to me. And btw, don't think I won't be just as I am in this email the next time I see ya (Heck I wanna hug ya! lol actually, been wanting to for awhile now); I'll be soooo happy to see you!!
Even though I can't have you [which SUX SUX SUX did i say SUX??!] I'm honored to have ever met anyone as worthy of one's attention, affection, and friendship as you. I mean it all, every last bit of it. Seems like I'm writing a book lol, but it comes pretty innately ... I've always kinda been like this, and sorry if you're growing bored with this insanely long email, but I gotta let 'cha know!! Ha, but it's STILL not as long as the other was, amazingly.
Well, I know that you're caught up in other things at the moment. Life's not always so grand for all of us (I'm referring to myself, btw), and I just hope it gets better. I hope that the choices that you make are 10X better than most of mine...my regrettable ones that is. I tend to make good decisions more often times than not, which is kinda surprising. Like this decision, to write this email--I think that this is a good decision even though I know that I'm not going to actually benefit from it since I CAN'T HAVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
In addition, I also think that my decision to have liked you for so long was a PERFECT one. You know, I'm still going to like you after you read this email and know that you're not going to date me or anything. Believe me, it's so severe it won't be gone anytime soon. So I'll suffer for a while...just like I have the whole week, prior to this. I was depressed because, well, I neglected to mention it to U on IM, but it was because I hadn't gotten to talk, IM, or communicate with you at all! And so yeah, I got depressed. A week was a fuckin' long time! I hope you're still not TOO shocked or appalled by all of this, but it's all true and I was going to tell you sometime or another. If you weren't so damn charming and intriguing and ooo so appealing then I wouldn't have it so bad lol. And, yes, IT IS bad. REALLY bad. INTENSE, even. So intense that it is now 5:57am and I'm still not done!! But, it's okay that I'm losing sleep over something that's so important to me, over someone who's so important to me. (daylight outside now)
You know, I miss school. I miss my fave class and my fave teacher with my fave person!! ie. AP ENG. | M. Adams | & YOU! I'm sure that you definately do not realize how much I enjoyed that class. It actually brightened my day to have that AWESOME class with the best teacher ever!! and the coolest dude. I bet you find it hard to believe, in considering my mere subtleties. But you know, neither of us hardly ever went up to talk to one another. One of us should have! And it shoulda been me! **regret weighs HEAVILY** I can't believe how important that class was either! I learned A LOT!! I mean EXTREME amounts of info. I think I'm def prepared for college now.
And, I also think you're going to make a 5 once again you sexy smart man! So from that you gather how much I miss ya, right? *greatly* I still can't believe that we've graduated either. Well, this email has surprised me (ha like it has a mind of it's own. yah rite.) and has seemed to come together quite nicely. The other was less formal and sounded more like how I speak. lol Thank you for reading all of this Justin. You are really kind to call me "...very interesting and intelligent..." Guess I've lived up to it again in this email. Email is actually the only way you've really gotten to know me. That and IM. I think I should extend this; I definately want to. But of course, things interfere. I sense something's up...I'm hey, this is wierd, but I seroiusly have some psychic ability. For instance, I can be listening to the radio or something, or not even, and be thinking of a song, and it comes on right after! Or I'll think of something and it will happen sometimes..things like this. That OBE stuff does explain a lot tho...about why things occur as they do, and y things are as they are.
Every so often I copy this email...ehm....just in case something shitty happens to my computer again!! :-$ "gay" haha yeah
Oh! You should give me phone number so that I can keep in touch with you. I bet it kinda surprises or wierds you out how reserved and silent I am everytime you saw me, but how upfront and forthright I am when I have something on my mind and just blurt it out. Well, hey there's an idea. And I still want to see "Reloaded" with you. We must go see it soon! I think you'll like it. Oh yes, reminds me of another aspect of your personality which is really attractive to me. You are so unconventional and you are so different from others, and just like me and a lot of others you could care less (ouch!! carpal tunnel :'( my hands are hurting) what others think of what or how you want to be. Justin, I think we're alike in more ways than you know; and in short that's why I'm in love with you. Hey, it's true, when you obsess over someone for long enough you tend to lean in the direction of loving them. And do you honestly think I'm shitting you with this statement after all I've typed and explained? NO! And, in addition, I do know what love is;it's not a term to be used lightly. I am WELL aware of this. Hey, I love my sister too lol. Oh, so do you get now why I'm so close with my sister? Since she's like the only other one in the house, besides my paranoid parent, we are closer than most bro/sis tend to be. But that is why if you ever thought it wierd that I hung around with her at school or whatever.
Sorry if I kinda am off-the-wall with some topics that I bring up, but I'm just trying to tell you as much as I can think of to amount to everything, as in relation to the title of this email. But, of course, there's always more that happens in life and always more to explain, so it's not going to be ALL here.
Well, I do think that this is finally the end, of the email that is. (**hopefully things won't feel ended when i hear your response to this email**) It's actually 6:28 in the morning, my hands feel funny, it's daylight, and I'm kinda tired, but that's not why I'm stopping. I wouldn't stop if I had more to say. I'm just like that. I'll go for 5 hours on something that I feel I MUST complete. ( actually went for more than 5 on this...retyping...grrrrr)
Well, Justin, please do not get too irritated or whatever with this. Write me back if you want. I would be cool with that if you wanted to. I know you're getting online today, cuz you said you would.
I want to talk to you on IM too. I don't know when I'll be on.....I need a bit of sleep....my grandparents want me to go out with them today too (oh and my grandparents are the ones that you've seen if you've ever looked -- u know, blue car yep. those are my grandparents. so that's not my mom if you're wondering)...I may be on around 3 or so. And, as always, I look forward to talking to you. I hope that your day is good, and all goes well--as I hope and am desirous of on my part. I hope you have finally figured out why I like you. It's countless reasons Justin. Just so many. U just keep getting better & better imo. Oh! and i got my pictures developed. I looooooooove that picture! lol I should send you a copy. you are VERY cute in it i think. your personality makes you so hot i can't even begin there, and you probably wouldn't want me to because that could get DETAILED and ha..maybe even a little uh..x-rated. okay! god, so i'm crazy! but obsessions lead to lots of things. well, goodnight justin. no. good morning. and it will probalbly be good afternoon or evening when you read this. so, hey, threw all the salutations in there.
just to make sure one is right. well c-ya!
and I'll talk to you today, i'm honestly REALLY looking fwd to this, so just be on please. i'm not looking fwd to it for anything particular, just so you know, i'm looking fwd to it because its a chat with YOU-the man! lol okay, "gotta run. catcha later!"
& I love ya!
, I think I might be just about bored enough to attempt to make it through that vast mass of text
