Joke Warfare

incarnated-solvent-abuse

incarnated-solvent-abuse

Gone are your dandelions
Jun 4, 2007
130
0
16
Edinburgh, Scotland
Post your cheesy jokes here.

I'll get the ball rolling:

What do you call a person that hangs arounds musicians?

A Drummer

And here's another 'coz I love you:

A trucker finds himself stuck in traffic jam on the motorway. He steps out of his vehicle and asks the guy driving next to him what's going on?
His response is the following:

''A terrorist group has taken the entire cast of American Idol hostage, they are asking for 1 million dollars in exchange for their release. If their demands are not met within in the next two hours they will douse them with petrol and subsequently burn them alive. We have started a collection.''

''Really? Well, how much have you got so far?''

''The latest figures indicate that we have about 580 litres of petrol, 320 litres of diesel, 120 litres of kerosene, 38 matchboxes and 21 lighters''
 
NO SEX TONIGHT!
July 6th, 2007 by Takashi

[Stolen From An unknown Source, lol]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
 
bunny2.jpg


http://www.celebritybuttplugs.com/products.html
 
chernabog says:
http://www.eprdel.cz/obrazky/macgyver-multitool.jpg
chernabog says:
http://www.wayodd.com/dont-sprinkle-while-you-tinkle/v/4368/
chernabog says:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b0f_1182259851&p=1
chernabog says:
lookit what the my pals does
chernabog says:
GODDAMN
EricT says:
heh
EricT says:
just blew up a buncha bottles with firecrackers
chernabog says:
hahaha
chernabog says:
i wanted to do that when I was drunk a few weeks back
chernabog says:
good call
EricT says:
haha
chernabog says:
http://www.cad-comic.com/comics/20070511.jpg
chernabog says:
http://monty.python.videowall.sytes.org/?p=SGdhRW45VTBWcHcvU3RhciBXYXJzIE1vbnR5IFB5dGhvbopAuV8
EricT says:
haha
chernabog says:
holy fuck
chernabog says:
http://www.pulpsecret.com/post/1019/the-five-most-controversial-moments-in-comic-book-history
chernabog says:
scroll down to number five
chernabog says:
that is some fucking insane punishment for being an artist
chernabog says:
http://www.badtree.com/Oh_Shit%21/wmv/Porn_Accident.htm
chernabog says:
http://www.thatxbox360blog.com/2007/06/07/what-if-hitler-was-banned-from-xbox-live/
chernabog says:
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.


Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Idiot # 5

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!

Idiot # 6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

Idiot # 8

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please note that these people are allowed to vote!

Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?
 
best of craigslist > washington, DC > Ask a silly question
Originally Posted: Thu, 3 May 14:34 EDT

email this posting to a friend

Ask a silly question
Date: 2007-05-03, 2:34PM EDT


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??


* Location: crackedmeupville
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 323692159

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unique.jpg
 
Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
 
After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."
 
What's black an' sits at the top o' the stairs?



Steven Hawkins after a house fire.

AAAAND

What does one refer to a swimming pool full of spastics as?






Vegetable soup.

So there, feel free to flame, those wi' a chip on their shoulder over these sort o' jokes.
 
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