Lyrical help from Swedes please!

[Mantraschism]

As a result of listening to too much Finntroll while rereading The Hobbit, I have written a song called Goblin Town. The other day I got the idea to translate it into Swedish, as that might fit it better, so today I did so. But of course it's probably riddled with all kinds of mistakes, so if any of you Swedes on here would take a look at it and tell me what I fucked up, I'd really, really appreciate it. I'll post the lyrics in English and Swedish. Here goes:

GOBLIN TOWN

In you go through the crack in the wall
Down you go through the dark
Cracking of whips and laughter of goblins
Now you will hear their song:

Down, down to Goblin Town
Round and round, far underground
Where there's no light and the only sound
is laughter
Down in Goblin Town

In the main chamber the Great Goblin waits
Answer his questions or else meet your fate
Not that there's much hope for you, Thorin Thrain's son
For ever and ever you will hear our song:

Refrain

Hey, ho, down to Goblin Town you go!
Ho, hey, down in Goblin Town you stay!

-------

TROLLASTADEN

I går du genom klyftan i väggen
Nere går du genom mörket
Knallen av piskar och skratten av trollfolk
Nu skall du höra sina sång:

Nere, nere till Trollastaden
Runt och runt, fjärran under jorden
Där är inte ljuset och den ende ljuden
är skratten
Nere i Trollastaden

I huvudhammaren väntar den Stora Trollen
Svar hans frågar annars råk ut för döden din
Men det är into mycket hopp för dig, Thorin Thrains son
För all tid, för all tid skall du höra vår sång:

Refräng

Hej, ho, nere till Trollastaden går du!
Ho, hej, nere i Trollastaden stannar du!

 

[Mormagil]

 

[Draugen]

I will try my best...


TROLLSTADEN

In går du genom sprickan i väggen
Ner går du genom mörket
Knallen av piskor och skratten av trollfolk
Nu skall du höra deras sång:

Ner, ner till Trollstaden
Runt, runt, fjärran under jorden
Där inget ljus kan ses och de ända ljuden
är skratten
Nere i Trollstaden

I huvudkammaren väntar det Stora Trollet
Svara på hans frågar annars skall du råka ut för ditt öde (or - "din död" instead of "ditt öde")
Men det finns inte mycket hopp för dig, Thorin Thrains son
För all tid, för all tid skall du höra vår sång:

Refräng

Hej, ho, ner till Trollstaden går du!
Ho, hej, nere i Trollstaden stannar du!

There - I hope you like it. I'm surprised you did as good as you did in the beginning. Most words were accurate, there were only a few problems with the grammar...

 

[Thidrek]

Isn't "By" a better translation for "town"?

 

[Draugen]

Isn't "By" a better translation for "town"?

Depends on what he's aiming for. "By" is mostly translated into "village", but you can of course use by instead of stad.
And frankly, I don't know how many goblins living there...

 

[Mantraschism]

@Mormagil: =D \m/ I'm thinking about throwing back some mead to Finntroll tonight, actually.

@Draugen: Awesome man, thanks! It seems that relieved some of the lines of extra syllables, too, which is very helpful to me when I go to do my trollvoice 'singing'. And, as far as how many goblins are down there, I don't really know either; you'd have to ask Tolkien. But it sounded like a lot, because they were in the tunnels, too.

BTW, is there any word for 'goblin' besides 'troll'? 'Nisse', maybe?

Also, I've written another Swedish lyric today (not translated from English this time) called 'Sommarsvest (Trolldom och Rundansar)'. Would you be willing to take a look at that one, too? It's cool if you don't want to. ^_^

 

[Draugen]

BTW, is there any word for 'goblin' besides 'troll'? 'Nisse', maybe?

Also, I've written another Swedish lyric today (not translated from English this time) called 'Sommarsvest (Trolldom och Rundansar)'. Would you be willing to take a look at that one, too? It's cool if you don't want to. ^_^

I don't think there's another word that you can translate "goblin" into, apart from "troll". You could use the word "goblin" in Swedish too, but that's a "new" word which sounds way too Swenglish...

Gimmie something to translate and I'll do it. I'm unemployed for gods sake!

 

[Mantraschism]

It's not done yet, but here's Sommarsvest, so far.


Se du! Skygger dansar i skogen
Genom alle natten, de dansar, dansar
Hör du! Röster sjungar från fjället
Genom alle kvelden, de sjungar, sjungar

För månge tider förvänter vi morgenen
Nu låtta oss välkomma natten!

Trolldom och rundansar
Vi tackar våra faderarnas gudar!
Trolldom och rundansar
Kött och mjöd! Folket från varje lid
Kommar och välkommar den första natten av sommar!

 

[Desciple of Decay]

Goblin could be translated into Svartalf as far as I know, or Vätte. Vätte would probably be the best, I'd say. And I'll leave the lyrics to Draugen, since he made such a good job on the first

 

[Thidrek]

But svartalfs are dwarfs, so there is some kind of a difference between trolls and dwarfs.
Dwarfs are masters in forging stuff and goblins fear metallic material (i hope, they don't fear (heavy) metal )

 

[Draugen]

It's not done yet, but here's Sommarsvest, so far.

It would help a lot if you sent the English lyrics as well. It's kinda hard to translate Swedish into Swedish...

 

[amf]

Have a few suggestions to Hebbe's translation (in red text):


TROLLSTADEN

In går du genom sprickan i väggen
Ner går du genom mörket
Knallen av piskor och skratten av trollfolk I think using 'av' sounds ankward in my ears, would change it to 'Piskors knallar och trollfolks skratt" instead
Nu skall du höra deras sång:

Ner, ner till Trollstaden
Runt, runt, fjärran under jorden
Där inget ljus kan ses och de ända ljuden should be 'enda'
är skratten
Nere i Trollstaden

I huvudkammaren väntar det Stora Trollet [How about 'Stortrollet'?]
Svara på hans frågar annars skall du råka ut för ditt öde (or - "din död" instead of "ditt öde") My suggestion is 'Besvara hans frågor eller möt ditt öde'
Men det finns inte mycket hopp för dig, Thorin Thrains son Should be a comma between Thorin and Thrains I think
För all tid, för all tid skall du höra vår sång:

Refräng

Hej, ho, ner till Trollstaden går du!
Ho, hej, nere i Trollstaden stannar du!



About Sommersvest, not sure what you meant with the title, did you mean 'summer feast'? If so it should be 'Sommarfest'.
Here's an attempt to translate anyway.

Ser du! Skuggor dansar i skogen (skuggor = shadows)
Genom natten lång, de dansar, dansar (could change 'natten lång' for 'hela natten')
Hör du! Röster sjunger från fjället
Genom kvällen lång, de sjunger, sjunger (could change 'natten lång' for 'hela natten')

För månge tider förvänter vi morgenen (Not sure what this line should be. In Enlish, please. )
Låt oss nu välkomna natten!

Trolldom och rundanser
Vi tackar våra förfäders gudar! (förfäder = forefathers)
Trolldom och rundanser
Kött och mjöd! Folk från varje lid
Kommer och välkommar den första sommarnatten!

 

[Mantraschism]

@amf: Thanks for the corrections. Here's my input on what I meant in the song:

First, I did mean 'Summerfeast', so thanks for the correction. When is it appropriate to put the possessive '-s' in compound nouns? Never?

Ser du! Skuggor dansar i skogen (skuggor = shadows)
Ser du! I actually meant for this to be imperative, and I thought that 'se du' is how you would do that. I guess I was wrong?
Genom natten lång, de dansar, dansar (could change 'natten lång' for 'hela natten') Okay, thanks!
Hör du! Röster sjunger från fjället
Genom kvällen lång, de sjunger, sjunger (could change 'natten lång' for 'hela natten')

För månge tider förvänter vi morgenen (Not sure what this line should be. In Enlish, please. ) Supposed to say, 'Too many times we await the morning.' I was certain that I was fucking up the word for 'await'.
Låt oss nu välkomna natten!

Trolldom och rundanser
Vi tackar våra förfäders gudar! (förfäder = forefathers) I'll remember that.
Trolldom och rundanser
Kött och mjöd! Folk från varje lid
Kommer och välkommar den första sommarnatten! Is there no way to have 'sommar' be the last word here? I was hoping to sort of rhyme it with 'rundanser'.

---
Thanks for taking the time to correct this; I really appreciate it! Also with 'Trollstaden'.

@Draugen: All right, I'll write out what I meant in English, although it wasn't originally in English. =P

SUMMERFEAST

See! Shadows dance in the forest
All through the night, they dance, dance
Hear! Voices sing from the mountain
All through the night, they dance, dance

Too many times we await the morning;
Now let us welcome the night!

Magic and runedances (heh)
We thank our forefathers' gods!
Magic and runedances
Meat and meat! People from every (meadow) (actually, I'm pretty dumb here, because I'm not sure what 'lid' means, but from Vintersorg's 'När Alver Sina....', I remember that I meant something like 'meadow')
Come and welcome the first night of summer!

P.S. I realize I'm going way out on a limb here, trying to write lyrics in Swedish, so my apologies for torturing you guys' language. =P I just think it's a badass language (along with Norwegian, Danish and especially Icelandic, Old Norse and Old English) and is really awesome for lyrics of this nature (nature, fantasy, etc.). \m/

 

[NattensThyr]

BTW, is there any word for 'goblin' besides 'troll'? 'Nisse', maybe?

You can say "Vätte".

vättar, vättarna, vätten.

 

[amf]

First, I did mean 'Summerfeast', so thanks for the correction. When is it appropriate to put the possessive '-s' in compound nouns? Never?

Hm.. sometimes you add an -s, like in 'svärdsegg' for example, but not really sure what the rule is, I just feel what's right..

I actually meant for this to be imperative, and I thought that 'se du' is how you would do that. I guess I was wrong?

Ah, then just use "Se!" and "Hör!".

För månge tider förvänter vi morgenen (Not sure what this line should be. In Enlish, please. ) Supposed to say, 'Too many times we await the morning.' I was certain that I was fucking up the word for 'await'.

Would translate it to 'Allt för många gånger väntar vi på morgonen'.
The meaning of 'förvänta' is more like expect or to look forward to.

Kommer och välkommar den första sommarnatten! Is there no way to have 'sommar' be the last word here? I was hoping to sort of rhyme it with 'rundanser'.

You could change the order of the words to something like 'Kommer och den första sommarnatten välkomnar'. sommar, välkomnar.

Meat and meat! People from every (meadow) (actually, I'm pretty dumb here, because I'm not sure what 'lid' means, but from Vintersorg's 'När Alver Sina....', I remember that I meant something like 'meadow')

'Lid' actually means hill or slope.

BTW, is there any word for 'goblin' besides 'troll'? 'Nisse', maybe?

What kind of creature do you mean with 'goblin'? Trolls, I'm sure you know, are usually seen as big, ugly creatures with large noses and ears, and often a cowlike tail. Vättar are small creatures that live under the ground and in rocks. Tomtar (Nisse in Norwegian and Danish) are small and helpful and live on human farms.
So pick the creature that fits best with what a goblin is.

 

[Draugen]

Ah, then just use "Se!" and "Hör!"

Hey, spam for magazines elsewhere!

 

[Mantraschism]

I think that vättar, after all, is the best translation. Troll (what the hell is the plural for that, anyway?) is definitely not what I/Tolkien mean/t (heh). I'm working on tracking down a Swedish translation of The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion right now (I found one of The Return of the King last night), but if I ever do manage to get them, I'll be sure to see how they translated goblin, and orc for that matter.

Thanks for all your help! I'll be posting yet another new Swedish lyric pretty soon, as soon as I get some more verses. It's called 'Skaldens Makt'. And while I'm at it, I hope that skald in Swedish means more than just poet...? Because what I mean when I say it is the old Viking skalder, who I understand to be basically warrior bards, or minstrels, as well as poets. I'd really love it if I'm not mistaken. =P

 

[Nazgash]

I'm rather new to this forum, but I've seen a disscussion about fantasy evil creatures and would like to participate a little.

Hereby I'll try to provide some desritions, and you, våra svenska vänner, will choose appropriate swedish names to these creatures

GOBLIN

A goblin stands 3 to 3-1/2 feet tall and weigh 40 to 45 pounds. Its eyes are usually dull and glazed, varying in color from red to yellow. A goblin?s skin color ranges from yellow through any shade of orange to a deep red; usually all members of a single tribe are about the same color. Goblins wear clothing of dark leather, tending toward drab, soiled-looking colors.

TROLL

Trolls walk upright but hunched forward with sagging shoulders. Their gait is uneven, and when they run, their arms dangle and drag along the ground. For all this seeming awkwardness, trolls are very agile.
A typical adult troll stands 9 feet tall and weighs 500 pounds. Females are slightly larger than males. A troll?s rubbery hide is moss green, mottled green and gray, or putrid gray. The hair is usually greenish black or iron gray.

These descriptions were meanly stolen from Monster Manual, but they provide the best view of these creatures

By the way, is there a swedish word equivalent to "orc" in English? Or orcs are Tolkien's neologism? However, when I used to tell about orcs, I wasn't misunterstood by Swedes

 

[Thidrek]

Orcs have been invented by Tolkien. The words refers to Latin "Orcus" what is the underworld in the "Roman" mythologie.

 

[Mantraschism]

Well, I have the Swedish translation of The Return of the King, and they seem to translate 'orc' as 'orch'. =\ Of course, everyone knows that the Swedish translation of The Lord of the Rings is rather bad, and Tolkien hated it, so there might be a better translation for the word.