Must I write all the stories around here?

[Kvlt Wench]

There was once a seaside town called Georgina. Georgina was usually a peaceful town, until that one fateful day when He came. He was a walrus, with a taste for newborne babies. All of Georgina feared Him, for He managed to capture every baby and devore them.

One day, the townsfolk decided that they would have to bring the walrus down, no matter how many men were lost. They grabbed spears, swords, and axes and charged the shore, where He lay, digesting His latest feast. No matter how hard they tried, they could not puncture His thick skin, and He killed every one of them.

The remaining townsfolk were very frightened, because most of their population was dead and the walrus ate all of their children. One day, they laid a group of babies next to a building and sat on top, waiting. When He came to eat them, they threw a net down on Him. However, He easily bit threw the net and was free. This fueled His anger even more.

The people of Georgina thought they were doomed. Nothing would ever defeat this walrus. Until Ted came. Ted looked just like an ordinary man, but he was really a ninja. He promised that he would kill the walrus.

He walked up to the walrus and said, "I am Ted, the ninja."

"I am the walrus."

"Shut the fuck up Donnie!" said Walter.

Ted pulled out a katana and a wakazashi and killed the walrus, saving countless amounts of babies.

 

[PlatypusJesus]

TED THE NINJA!!!!!!!!

 

[PlatypusJesus]

*bump*

 

[Kvlt Wench]

Come on it's a great story! Respond! Respond! Respond!

 

[Chromatose]

"shut the fuck up donnie! ... VI Lenin! ... Vladimir .. Ilyich .. Lenin!!"



oh what have i done.. replying to this thread ...

 

[Black Winter Day]

"you're like a little child who wanders into a movie. . ."

 

[Lies and Perfidy]

"I HAD BUDDIES WHO DIED FACE-DOWN IN THE MUCK IN VIETNAM SO YOU COULD ENJOY THIS FUCKING FAMILY RESTAURANT!!"

Chrome, you got no cause to complain about replying to cracked-out threads...I submit to the jury the Tofutti thread...

What scares me is that I'm related to the writer of this story. The same blood flows in my veins...I am afraid.

 

[dearth]

BEHOLD! I WILL RELATE TO YOU THE PARABLE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD, IN ALL HIS GLORY. THIS IS FROM DEARTH'S BIBLE (THE EUCHARIST 1:1-20), SO YOU MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH IT, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL SEEM FAMILIAR TO YOU:

1BEHOLD! ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN BY THE NAME OF JESUS. HE WAS 30 AND LIVED WITH HIS MOTHER. 2TO PASS THE TIME HE READ HIS COMIC BOOK COLLECTION AND IMAGINED HE WAS A SUPERHERO. 3OTHERWISE, IT WAS GOING TO WORK, WHERE HE WAS A COMPUTER PROGRAMER, AND THEN GOING HOME AND TAKING CARE OF HIS MOTHER. 4THIS INVOLVED MASSAGING HER FAT, HAIRY BACK, LIGHTING HER CIGARETTES, POURING HER DRINKS, AND SAYING "YES MOTHER" WHEN SHE TOLD HIM WHAT A SCRAWNY FUCK HE WAS. AND THE SEAL WAS BROKEN.

5BEHOLD! HIS MOTHER ASKED HIM ALL THE TIME, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING? YOU'RE A SCRAWNY FUCK." AND THE TWO SEALS WERE BROKEN.

6BEHOLD! "YES, MOTHER," REPLIED JESUS. 7IN HIS COMIC BOOK HIS FAVORITE HERO, CALLED CHRIST, DID ALL SORTS OF MAGICAL TRICKS. HE WALKED ON WATER, WAS TEMPTED BY THE DEVIL, AND TURNED WATER INTO WINE. AND THE THREE SEALS WERE BROKEN.

8BEHOLD! ONE DAY HIS MOTHER SLIPPED HIM SOME ACID, JUST TO HAVE SOME FUN. 9JESUS DID HIS CHORES AND WENT TO HIS ROOM TO READ HIS COMICBOOKS. THE ACID KICKED IN. HE THOUGHT HE BECAME THE CHRIST. WHEN HIS MOTHER CALLED, "COME 'ERE YOU LIL PISSANT!" HE WENT TO HER. 10SHE APPEARED TO BE A DEMON TO HIM. AND THE FOUR SEALS WERE BROKEN.

11BEHOLD! HE GOT UP ALL HIS COURAGE AND STUCK ONE OF HIS FINGERS INTO HER EYE. SHE CRIED OUT AND HE GOT SCARED. HE RAN TO THE KITCHEN AND GOT A KNIFE. 12HE CAME BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE SHE STILL WAS, CURSING AT HIM. SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE A DEMON THAN EVER. AND THE FIVE SEALS WERE BROKEN.

13BEHOLD! HE RAISED UP THE KNIFE AND PLUNGED IT IN BETWEEN HER EYES, SLICING PART OF HIS MOTHER'S HAND AS WELL, WHERE SHE WAS PALMING HER EYE. AND THE SIX SEALS WERE BROKEN.

14BEHOLD! SHE SQUEALED LIKE A PIG. 15HE TOOK THE KNIFE OUT OF HER AND STARTED HACKING. THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. FINISHED WITH HIS DEED, HE DECIDED TO EAT HER. THIS HE CALLED "THE HOLY SACRAMENT" AND "LAST SUPPER." 16HE WROTE ON THE WALL WITH HER BLOOD, "I AM THE CHRIST!" AND THE SEVEN SEALS WERE BROKEN, ONE FOR EACH DAY OF PRAYER.

17BEHOLD! HE RAN OUT INTO THE STREET AND PREACHED TO EVERYONE ABOUT WHAT HE HAD DONE. SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT HE WAS CRAZY, AND RAN TO THE AUTHORITIES SO HE MAY BE CRUCIFIED. 18OTHERS THOUGHT HE WAS THEIR MESSIAH, WHO CAME AT LAST. THEY TOOK HIM TO THE DESERT, TO HIDE FROM THE AUTHORITIES. 19HE WAS THERE FOR FORTY DAYS AND NIGHTS. SOME PEOPLE HE HEALED, SOME HE KILLED AND ATE, ACCORDING TO HIS MOOD, WHICH WAS LIKE THE MONGOLIAN ANTILOPE--ALWAYS CHANGING.

20BEHOLD! NOW MANY PEOPLE, RIGHTLY, WORSHIP HIM. HE IS THE GREATEST GOD OF THEM ALL.


When temptation arises to leave the Triangle,
banish temptation, stay with the Square.

When the court has adornments in profusion,
the fields are full of weeds,
and the granaries are bare.
It is not the way of nature to carry a sword,
nor to over-adorn oneself,
nor to have more than a sufficiency
of fine food and drink.

He who has more possessions than he can use,
deprives someone who could use them well.

 

[PlatypusJesus]

 

[Ihreil Junkenstein]

I want a pet dearth.