Now for Something Completely Different

[JonnyD]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some

cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The​

lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's

eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill

your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in

jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT

have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't

tell me you had a prescription."





​

 

[carnut]

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the

Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT

 

[rokk]

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch
in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it
starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to
him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me
another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer
and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob
and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said, "It's started."

 

[delize]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in
"fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[Mxgonzo]

Kids books that didn't make it

1- You're Different -- And That's Bad
2- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3- Robert: Dad's New Wife
4- Fun Four-Letter Words to Know & Share
5- The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6- Kathy Was So Bad That Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7- Curious George & The High-Voltage Fence
8- All Cats Go to Hell
9- The Little Sissy That Snitched
10- Why Can't Mr. Fork & Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
11- That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
12- Grandpa Gets A Casket
13- 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15- Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17- Strangers Have the Best Candy
18- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19- You Were An Accident
20- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22- Your Nightmares Are Real
23- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
24- You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25- Valuable Protein & Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose

 

[Metal Thrashing Mark]

Two lions are eating a clown one lion says "Does this taste funny??"

 

[Wyvern]

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

 

[SavaRon]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some

cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The​

lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's

eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill

your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in

jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT

have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't

tell me you had a prescription."





​

No joke here. I just wanted to say cool pic in your sig JD! I love Flotsam! Can't wait for the new one!

 

[Wyvern]

New Yorkers arrived
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

 

[KMADD]

I got this joke from last weeks episode of sat. night live.
A study states that mormon children perform better in schools than their non-mormon
peers.

Of course you would do well in school if you had 8 mothers yelling at you all the time!

 

[Wyvern]

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

 

[JonnyD]

No joke here. I just wanted to say cool pic in your sig JD! I love Flotsam! Can't wait for the new one!

Man I am Dying for a New Flots Record!!!! I love Flotsam too one of my all time favorite bands!

 

[Wyvern]

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs."

"Really? Like what?" says the other.

"Over here, they eat dogs."

Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"

"Yeah, they sure do."

"Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."

After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.

"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you get?"

 

[Mxgonzo]

Man I am Dying for a New Flots Record!!!! I love Flotsam too one of my all time favorite bands!

Hay JD! Did you get Flots DVD?

 

[Igor_Cavalera]

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs."

"Really? Like what?" says the other.

"Over here, they eat dogs."

Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"

"Yeah, they sure do."

"Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."

After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.

"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you get?"

 

[delize]

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you
to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replied, "The funeral home".

 

[rokk]

The following letter was posted on Gene Simmons Website:


Hi Gene..

I wrote you a letter in 1976 asking if KISS could play at my junior high school.

Don't come, it's too late.
Wes



Response from Gene:

OK. Got it.

 

[JonnyD]

Hay JD! Did you get Flots DVD?

Ofcourse! Apparently they will be releasing a 2nd DVD live from Japan thats supposed to be even Better than the first!

 

[kittybeast]

Not a joke but interesting and different none the less:

The top 10 favorite funeral songs in Europe:

1. Queen's "The Show Must Go On"
2. Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"
3. AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"
4. Frank Sinatra's "My Way"
5. Mozart's "Requiem"
6. Robbie Williams' "Angels"
7. Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever"
8. The Beatles's "Let It Be"
9. Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters"
10. U2's "With or Without You"

Source: Music Choice

 

[Wyvern]

Boring!

For a funeral you play stuff like:

Black Sabbath - 'Die Young'
Sentenced - 'The Luxury Of A Grave'
Cannibal Corpse - 'Devour By Vermin'

you know, uplifting stuff
****************************************************************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that damn wall!''