- Feb 2, 2002
- 6,701
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A PRIVATE MESSAGE FOR BRITNEY SPEARS FROM LOUNGE SINGER RICHARD CHEESE
Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney! Where did it all go wrong?
I know that times have been tough for you lately. What with your failed marriages, your dropped lawsuits, and your dropped babies, it's been hard to be Britney these days. So much attention, so much scrutiny, so much odious sex with a creepy pothead...I know you wish you could just erase the last few years and start all over again.
Well, my dear Britney, now you can. With me, Richard Cheese.
I'm here for you, baby. And always have been.
You know that I've loved you, truly, from the very beginning of your career (er, once you turned 18, that is). I've been supporting you from the start, admiring your talent, respecting your professionalism, and staring continuously at your Rolling Stone covers for several minutes at a time. I've bought your CDs. I've watched your videos. I've driven around Malibu trying to find your house.
Yes, you drove me "Crazy." Yes, I do know that you're "Toxic." Yes, I was a "Slave 4 U" for you.
Yes, Britney, I've been here for you, hoping, dreaming, longing, that someday, you'd get tired of all the broken hearts and lost loves and empty Funions bags and finally come looking for me. Indeed, I've been waiting faithfully for you, all this time, through Justin, through Madonna, through Kevin, for this special day to come.
And now you're finally free. Free at last, free at last! Free to be, you and me! (I'm sure both of those references went way over your head, but that's cool.)
After years of mistakes, it's time to take a new positive step in your romantic life. No more, "Oops," Britney. There's going to be a new song in your life----in OUR life----and that song is a standard and it's called "Us".
You and me, baby. Richard and Britney. Brit and Dick. And when we get married, you can be Britney Cheese, and I'll be Dick Spears. Dick Spears Britney Cheese. I like the sound of that.
And the world will like the sound of OUR baby. Imagine what a wonderful singing voice our lovechild will have. If it's a girl, she'll sing like an angel, and she'll also have giant cans. And, if it's a boy, he'll be sung like Sinatra and hung like a horse.
That reminds me, please please please tell me that your children were born via C-section?
Anyway, we'll record duets together; we'll tour together; we'll make sweet love while listening to both our discographies on iPod shuffle, including my all-new holiday CD "Silent Nightclub," now in stores and on iTunes.
But most importantly, we'll look into each other's eyes, and find a mutual love, a common destiny, a shared bond of tenderness and respect. You will respect my work as an artist; I will respect your fabulous guns.
Together, Britney, you and I will finally find the kind of marital happiness that only Annette and Warren have known. We'll travel the globe, inspire the masses, make the whole world sing. And, we'll do it on the floor about a hundred times a day. Hey, I'll even drive the car so you can hold the babies on your lap in front of the airbag.
Doesn't that sound a little less "Chaotic"?
Anyway, I know that you just got out of a relationship, and you don't want to be tied down right now (although if you do want to be tied down, let me know, I have a warehouse full of Richard Cheese tiger-striped ties at my disposal, check them out along with other great gift ideas at www.richardcheese.com). Maybe you're not looking to start another romance with another rockstar.
But I'm not just a rockstar, baby. I'm a LoungeStar. With me, you won't get sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. Instead, it'll be lovin', cocktails, and swankified swing.
Yes, it's time to grow up, my sweet little pop superstar. Say goodbye to the bubblegum, the boy bands, and the beer bongs. Say hello to the crooner, the love songs, and the vodka tonics. You need a man backed by a lounge band. You need someone smarter, someone stronger, someone bigger.
What Britney needs is Dick.
Email me, babe.
RC
lounge@richardcheese.com
www.richardcheese.com
Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney! Where did it all go wrong?
I know that times have been tough for you lately. What with your failed marriages, your dropped lawsuits, and your dropped babies, it's been hard to be Britney these days. So much attention, so much scrutiny, so much odious sex with a creepy pothead...I know you wish you could just erase the last few years and start all over again.
Well, my dear Britney, now you can. With me, Richard Cheese.
I'm here for you, baby. And always have been.
You know that I've loved you, truly, from the very beginning of your career (er, once you turned 18, that is). I've been supporting you from the start, admiring your talent, respecting your professionalism, and staring continuously at your Rolling Stone covers for several minutes at a time. I've bought your CDs. I've watched your videos. I've driven around Malibu trying to find your house.
Yes, you drove me "Crazy." Yes, I do know that you're "Toxic." Yes, I was a "Slave 4 U" for you.
Yes, Britney, I've been here for you, hoping, dreaming, longing, that someday, you'd get tired of all the broken hearts and lost loves and empty Funions bags and finally come looking for me. Indeed, I've been waiting faithfully for you, all this time, through Justin, through Madonna, through Kevin, for this special day to come.
And now you're finally free. Free at last, free at last! Free to be, you and me! (I'm sure both of those references went way over your head, but that's cool.)
After years of mistakes, it's time to take a new positive step in your romantic life. No more, "Oops," Britney. There's going to be a new song in your life----in OUR life----and that song is a standard and it's called "Us".
You and me, baby. Richard and Britney. Brit and Dick. And when we get married, you can be Britney Cheese, and I'll be Dick Spears. Dick Spears Britney Cheese. I like the sound of that.
And the world will like the sound of OUR baby. Imagine what a wonderful singing voice our lovechild will have. If it's a girl, she'll sing like an angel, and she'll also have giant cans. And, if it's a boy, he'll be sung like Sinatra and hung like a horse.
That reminds me, please please please tell me that your children were born via C-section?
Anyway, we'll record duets together; we'll tour together; we'll make sweet love while listening to both our discographies on iPod shuffle, including my all-new holiday CD "Silent Nightclub," now in stores and on iTunes.
But most importantly, we'll look into each other's eyes, and find a mutual love, a common destiny, a shared bond of tenderness and respect. You will respect my work as an artist; I will respect your fabulous guns.
Together, Britney, you and I will finally find the kind of marital happiness that only Annette and Warren have known. We'll travel the globe, inspire the masses, make the whole world sing. And, we'll do it on the floor about a hundred times a day. Hey, I'll even drive the car so you can hold the babies on your lap in front of the airbag.
Doesn't that sound a little less "Chaotic"?
Anyway, I know that you just got out of a relationship, and you don't want to be tied down right now (although if you do want to be tied down, let me know, I have a warehouse full of Richard Cheese tiger-striped ties at my disposal, check them out along with other great gift ideas at www.richardcheese.com). Maybe you're not looking to start another romance with another rockstar.
But I'm not just a rockstar, baby. I'm a LoungeStar. With me, you won't get sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. Instead, it'll be lovin', cocktails, and swankified swing.
Yes, it's time to grow up, my sweet little pop superstar. Say goodbye to the bubblegum, the boy bands, and the beer bongs. Say hello to the crooner, the love songs, and the vodka tonics. You need a man backed by a lounge band. You need someone smarter, someone stronger, someone bigger.
What Britney needs is Dick.
Email me, babe.
RC
lounge@richardcheese.com
www.richardcheese.com
