Poetry
- Thread starter Malveaux
- Start date
Dark_Jester
Unrepentant sentient
The pain is endless
I lie, saying someday Ill be free
Blood hears the sins I confess
Waste there is no truth in me
Kiss of steel unbearable need
The red drug, desperate art
the seconds in which Im freed
The misery that I impart
Stains the world, your spineless souls
never guess at scars
that fills this hole
The loathing holds you afar
A shell with nothing left
Gone once something better,
yet of mourning bereft
Pale skin grows wetter
Somehow the vastness
of pain, less than I felt
Broken, dead in this mess
formed by false lives as they melt,
dissolve into dew
the refresher of a world
fucked by pain, by gain as we grew
with happiness banner furled
Better without this
choking grips the living
But I blessed by steels kiss,
made numb I watch their shivering
and watch them drown, fade
to nothing under the excesses
Of the lie they made
While I feed in my emptiness
A void of agony, bleeding
tranquillity destined to pain,
As whispers is the screaming
Of those who are insane
The dying sacrifices
Fuelling the machine and loathing
blind to your fears and vices
this pain goes on forever
And who needs closing?
me or world to be cleansed in lethe
I speak words of nothing
For I, hate, enclosing
A world of my own
of pain and hate
Introspection carved this throne
the bringer of despising fate
and progression my friend
The movement of insanity
discovery hate end
The balance of the minds I
never still but in lunacy
Why live when I do not
dead mind sees so lucidly
Still moving sinews begging to be shot
Let the slaugtermans hand
be mine a thought
Born in stillness land
of truth life is for nought
A mind sent willing to the flames
recoils and into torment
Scarring to show the blame
uncaring of the lament
Already Tis sung in blood
Loathing brought to aim
wash out with punishments flood
memories to be slain
This blade heals what shouldnt of been
folding, easing the misanthropy
nausea said no trust, nothing to be seen
Id never open to you but Ill open me
I lie, saying someday Ill be free
Blood hears the sins I confess
Waste there is no truth in me
Kiss of steel unbearable need
The red drug, desperate art
the seconds in which Im freed
The misery that I impart
Stains the world, your spineless souls
never guess at scars
that fills this hole
The loathing holds you afar
A shell with nothing left
Gone once something better,
yet of mourning bereft
Pale skin grows wetter
Somehow the vastness
of pain, less than I felt
Broken, dead in this mess
formed by false lives as they melt,
dissolve into dew
the refresher of a world
fucked by pain, by gain as we grew
with happiness banner furled
Better without this
choking grips the living
But I blessed by steels kiss,
made numb I watch their shivering
and watch them drown, fade
to nothing under the excesses
Of the lie they made
While I feed in my emptiness
A void of agony, bleeding
tranquillity destined to pain,
As whispers is the screaming
Of those who are insane
The dying sacrifices
Fuelling the machine and loathing
blind to your fears and vices
this pain goes on forever
And who needs closing?
me or world to be cleansed in lethe
I speak words of nothing
For I, hate, enclosing
A world of my own
of pain and hate
Introspection carved this throne
the bringer of despising fate
and progression my friend
The movement of insanity
discovery hate end
The balance of the minds I
never still but in lunacy
Why live when I do not
dead mind sees so lucidly
Still moving sinews begging to be shot
Let the slaugtermans hand
be mine a thought
Born in stillness land
of truth life is for nought
A mind sent willing to the flames
recoils and into torment
Scarring to show the blame
uncaring of the lament
Already Tis sung in blood
Loathing brought to aim
wash out with punishments flood
memories to be slain
This blade heals what shouldnt of been
folding, easing the misanthropy
nausea said no trust, nothing to be seen
Id never open to you but Ill open me
terria
Subterranean dharma-bum
hell yeah! keep it rolling!
@lamia: you still alive? me happy to see you!
@sculpted cold: damn. you are about the first bubu i ever met in here who knows mudvayne... i love you!
@texasfriedcriminal: hab kürzlich erfahren dass du der bist der wo die texte für dark fortress schreiben tut und da hab ich erst ma blöde geguckt weil ich wohn mit dem schlagzeuger von denen zusammen... die welt is a dorf... juhä!
mehothra - silentlyworkingdayandnightforhisreturntothepoetrythread
btw: pardon me while i pray for light. i LOVE that one. mudvayne rock...
@lamia: you still alive? me happy to see you!
@sculpted cold: damn. you are about the first bubu i ever met in here who knows mudvayne... i love you!
@texasfriedcriminal: hab kürzlich erfahren dass du der bist der wo die texte für dark fortress schreiben tut und da hab ich erst ma blöde geguckt weil ich wohn mit dem schlagzeuger von denen zusammen... die welt is a dorf... juhä!
mehothra - silentlyworkingdayandnightforhisreturntothepoetrythread
btw: pardon me while i pray for light. i LOVE that one. mudvayne rock...
Hiljainen
why can't we not be sober
If you want poetry.. check http://www.ultimatemetal.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=71787
"Make your own Manotranquillity song" thread by Ormir.
"Make your own Manotranquillity song" thread by Ormir.
Melancholia
Eternal daydreamer
Static
Manically depressed robot
Oh baby,
You know I want to feel your sweet buns,
Your cheeks of velvet,
You hot pies of liberty,
Oh baby,
I cummed.
End.
You know I want to feel your sweet buns,
Your cheeks of velvet,
You hot pies of liberty,
Oh baby,
I cummed.
End.
This is what I feel to be the strongest song my band has written... and yes, before you comment that this is typically heavy metal, i KNOW: it was supposed to be heavy metal 
I would really appreciate if you could give me comments on how to improve it
At seventeen I chose this path you deem a lonely life
I saw the war behind a machine gun aimed at the skies
My family was torn apart, I turned inwards, I prayed, I cried
I thought I would never look back the day my little brother died
The bombs swept every city down, our power an exposed lie
The pride of leaders once divine was cut down in suicidal tides
I walked the streets with friends and witnessed the strife
We sat down and embraced their pain, my eyes became their eyes
One day it came to me
I wasn't meant to be there
And this was but a taste of God's wrath
Ambition ate my thoughts away, I couldn't sleep at night
I didn't give myself away to anyone in sight
I left my land, my heart and soul ambiguosly defined
A beat for heaven, one for hell, salvation should be me, and mine
Illumination came and went, truth hit me in the face and run
I vilified my mortal body, I wouldn't eat or see the sun
There was no room for charity, no virtue, just deadly demands
The King dispatched me back home, the College backed his stand
And then it came to me
I was meant to return there
And this was but a test of God's wrath
The years went by, my head was down, I shepherded my flock
They turned against me, when they had no food came back and knocked
I stared in disbelief and disappointment, I was sad and shocked
It was through reading, understanding, writing down that I could stop the clocks
I felt starved for tenderness, dark owner of ungiven love
Then someone came who saw me as her way to reach above
She gave her peace of mind, her innocence, and her fire for my need
I clung tight, fueled her radiance, made us one, and cursed her with my seed
But then it came to me
I wasn't meant to know more
The King summoned me at his court
And made me a prince in red
The halls of gold opened their doors
I was made to say right from wrong
I couldn't ever know
I wish I shouldn't tell
And this is but a test of God's wrath
This is but a taste of God's wrath
I would really appreciate if you could give me comments on how to improve it
At seventeen I chose this path you deem a lonely life
I saw the war behind a machine gun aimed at the skies
My family was torn apart, I turned inwards, I prayed, I cried
I thought I would never look back the day my little brother died
The bombs swept every city down, our power an exposed lie
The pride of leaders once divine was cut down in suicidal tides
I walked the streets with friends and witnessed the strife
We sat down and embraced their pain, my eyes became their eyes
One day it came to me
I wasn't meant to be there
And this was but a taste of God's wrath
Ambition ate my thoughts away, I couldn't sleep at night
I didn't give myself away to anyone in sight
I left my land, my heart and soul ambiguosly defined
A beat for heaven, one for hell, salvation should be me, and mine
Illumination came and went, truth hit me in the face and run
I vilified my mortal body, I wouldn't eat or see the sun
There was no room for charity, no virtue, just deadly demands
The King dispatched me back home, the College backed his stand
And then it came to me
I was meant to return there
And this was but a test of God's wrath
The years went by, my head was down, I shepherded my flock
They turned against me, when they had no food came back and knocked
I stared in disbelief and disappointment, I was sad and shocked
It was through reading, understanding, writing down that I could stop the clocks
I felt starved for tenderness, dark owner of ungiven love
Then someone came who saw me as her way to reach above
She gave her peace of mind, her innocence, and her fire for my need
I clung tight, fueled her radiance, made us one, and cursed her with my seed
But then it came to me
I wasn't meant to know more
The King summoned me at his court
And made me a prince in red
The halls of gold opened their doors
I was made to say right from wrong
I couldn't ever know
I wish I shouldn't tell
And this is but a test of God's wrath
This is but a taste of God's wrath
rahvin
keeper of the flame
@prince_in_red: i find your lyrics have many qualities, and surely they're not even remotely disappointing in terms of both imagery and vocabulary. they're not as heavy metal as i feared either: after all they don't suggest we "play louder", "wear leather" or generally behave like ill-mannered savages.
however, i think they look too much like a chronicle (i did that, i felt that, it happened this...) and should sport some more quips, especially since it seems you have a certain rhythmic freedom (some lines are a lot more syllables longer than the others). it is also my opinion that there are some moralistic undertones running through the situation depicted. of course i don't mean to interfere in anybody's view of the world, but the story of war-fueled anger and power-driven demise doesn't seem to add much to the stereotypes of the genre.
sorry if i sounded hypercritical, that's just my humble opinion.
rahvin.
however, i think they look too much like a chronicle (i did that, i felt that, it happened this...) and should sport some more quips, especially since it seems you have a certain rhythmic freedom (some lines are a lot more syllables longer than the others). it is also my opinion that there are some moralistic undertones running through the situation depicted. of course i don't mean to interfere in anybody's view of the world, but the story of war-fueled anger and power-driven demise doesn't seem to add much to the stereotypes of the genre.
sorry if i sounded hypercritical, that's just my humble opinion.
rahvin.
rahvin said:they're not as heavy metal as i feared either: after all they don't suggest we "play louder", "wear leather" or generally behave like ill-mannered savages.
oh my god... this is too funny. i suggest to print it on the back of your world tour's tshirt, everyone will go into hysterics and buy the shirt to have their friends laugh... and no, the "wear leather" part would totally be out of place in the context of the song, it would be a merry diversion from the story... maybe "The king summoned me" etc. "and made me wear leather"??? thanks a lot for your comments, of course people need to be very critical or my songwriting skills will never improve. i'll try to change something accordingly. as you wisely say, this is allowed by a measure of rhytmic freedom, we're trying to do stuff à la mid-career Savatage, with many changes of line length in a single song. can you please explain more about the moralistic undertones? i am not sure i understand what you say, but yes, i concur: it's stereotypical, that's why i said it's metal
The night is mine
Bonded by blood
dripping from wounds
took in the name of long-forgot trials
Who wants to know
the maimed and broken?
Uncaring he entered
exile and knew healing no more
And his soul found silence
pleased, yet broken, he remained
Night was a shield
your eyes unwanted
too different
And so to unsuspected haven he came
a loss of chains
a withdrawal of trust
So for you
there was no forgiveness in these eyes
Where were the lies?
Where did hate spring?
(cept from the self )
Night is falling
The coming of failure
the erasure of me
Give up your memories for they are fakes to the heart
A home in the hidden
for despair and loss
Where he gained
a life the world deemed foul, a life they deemed not
Yet day he left to others
Bonded by blood
dripping from wounds
took in the name of long-forgot trials
Who wants to know
the maimed and broken?
Uncaring he entered
exile and knew healing no more
And his soul found silence
pleased, yet broken, he remained
Night was a shield
your eyes unwanted
too different
And so to unsuspected haven he came
a loss of chains
a withdrawal of trust
So for you
there was no forgiveness in these eyes
Where were the lies?
Where did hate spring?
(cept from the self )
Night is falling
The coming of failure
the erasure of me
Give up your memories for they are fakes to the heart
A home in the hidden
for despair and loss
Where he gained
a life the world deemed foul, a life they deemed not
Yet day he left to others
rahvin
keeper of the flame
prince_in_red said:can you please explain more about the moralistic undertones? i am not sure i understand what you say, but yes, i concur: it's stereotypical, that's why i said it's metal
maybe it's just me, but the idea of someone looking back to a life of dubious deeds and ambition with mixed feelings of unavoidability and sad acceptance of fatalistic realpolitik mechanics sounds a bit too lecturing. it seems clear that there are things the author labels as ethically degrading (although of course if you knew you were writing following a cliche these things might not represent your real beliefs, but let's stay in-character) and his judgement seems to be extended to many or all of the occurrences within that field. that's why i call it moralistic: ethical principles spread like std's.
while i find that - as far as is possible in a song - it could be best to pass little judgement or to make it clear it only applies to the self, or to the circumstances.but don't take me too seriously on this subject, i tend to find a lot of things to be preaching.
rahvin.
@wanderingblade: i am about to commit suicide over your "a loss of chains/a withdrawal of trust" line, it's simply too good. can you do songwriting for my band? and, especially, what is the song about?
@rahvin: i think (only think) i understand what you mean. the song's supposed to be about a man of the cloth so i still have to decide if i want to keep him moralistic or just tell him to fuck off thanks for sharing your thoughts, i hope one day there will be a god's wrath forum and people will try to interpret what we write + girls will drool and write "i want to sleep with julian! he's soooo cute!" j/k
@rahvin: i think (only think) i understand what you mean. the song's supposed to be about a man of the cloth so i still have to decide if i want to keep him moralistic or just tell him to fuck off
thanks for sharing your thoughts, i hope one day there will be a god's wrath forum and people will try to interpret what we write + girls will drool and write "i want to sleep with julian! he's soooo cute!" j/k
rahvin
keeper of the flame
prince_in_red said:i hope one day there will be a god's wrath forum and people will try to interpret what we write + girls will drool and write "i want to sleep with julian! he's soooo cute!"
and i'd want to be the moderator, then. :Smokin:
rahvin.
you're hired. you get invited on yet another world tour then, only this one is going to be in about ten years
Prince_in_red: Sure, why not
And given in general terms...
Its about hurting when failing, and instead of trying again, giving up - hiding instead, and gradually, withdrawing further and further away until theres nothing left of what was...
It ain't gonna get more specific than that
And given in general terms...
Its about hurting when failing, and instead of trying again, giving up - hiding instead, and gradually, withdrawing further and further away until theres nothing left of what was...
It ain't gonna get more specific than that
