Secret Satan 2007

[Secret Satan]

In keeping with both the seasonal spirit and the fact that we are on a death metal forum, as repeatedly pointed out by dear departed user ian.de, this is a thread for Secret Satan gifts.

Everyone involved has received details via PM. Remember that the sender is anonymous, the receiver is not.

Deadline: Dec 21st, 2007 (next Friday).

Let the fun begin!

 

[Secret Satan]

It is about time someone starts with this. In two days everyone participating should have posted.

This is Satan's gift to our much beloved friend Siren:

Note that this picture’s resolution is 1280x960 so you can use it as a desktop wallpaper. If you need a higher resolution or a widescreen version post here.
Btw here is the picture I originally wanted to use as a siren.

A little poem I wrote only for you:

In thy veins the charm of Aphrodite,
Flows red like the blood of a cut vagina.
Siren, thy name is beauty,
Red, thy name shall be doctor.

Thy granny pawned the Odysseus and his fleet
And thy children shall be teh l33t.

So keep on singing thy song,
Bring me the light,
The fire in you shall never end,
The dawn will come with thee,
Thou art my heaven.





My music recommendations for you:

Something more calm:
Kärtsy Hatakka & Kimmo Kajasto: Max Payne 2 Soundtrack
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=51792379
(1st and 4th song are on the Max Payne 2 Soundtrack the other two on number one. 1st song is the only non-instrumental on that album)

And something less calm:
Dan Swanö: Moontower
I am sorry but I cannot find any songs online so you have to look at the PM

I PMed you where you can listen to more of both albums.


And now to finish this off here is the man of your (hairy) dreams :

Forever mine,
Secret Satan

 

[Secret Satan]

Once upon a time, there was a youthful Dark Tranquillity fan from Jersey, North and South. He sent compasses spinning in confusion, but he could always be found on the boards. He lost the Newbie of the Year award to someone who took the prize and ran, never to be seen again. Undeterred, he stuck around, and everyone regretted not having voted for him, a budding intellectual with interesting taste in music, a frail, literate metrosexual flower waiting to be picked by one of the many female vultures circling these latitudes.

Satan wishes the merriest possible Christmas to our friend Display of Character, and offers consolation for the current lack of basic cooking facilities:

​

And, for travel needs, here’s the solution:

​

Music recommendations were selected keeping in mind that our friend is not interested in bands who always say “Satan”. Although I am slightly hurt by that, in keeping with the seasonal spirit here’s two albums that give me very little attention, and probably will satisfy Display of Character’s thirst for the complex and the structured. He is also young enough to probably have never listened to either record.

One is metal: Fairy Tales by Oxiplegatz. The other one is not: Millennia madness by Citizen Fish. The former tickles the spirit, the latter the intellect. In both cases, these are the best albums ever produced by the band in question. In the specific case of Oxiplegatz, I would also steer entirely clear of any other record they ever made.

As a bonus gift, I will throw in a single song: Edguy's Judas at the Opera, just because of Michael Kiske's guest appearance.

 

[Secret Satan]

Avast! Satan wishes that salty dog they call plintus, a christmas full of grogs and hornpipes and special lubbers!

Here, a carol for the plintus bilge rat to sing joyfully:

Christmas, that magic time of the year
Mom and Dad are glad everyone's here
Grampa is busy trimming the tree
And Aunty made a fruitcake, naturally

But her fruitcake ain't the only one at the table
And there's something that I just have to say
Granny, pass the stuffing if you are able
And by the way, Mom and Dad, I'm gay

Yeah, I brought a girl with me, but I paid her to be here
Hey, Mom and Dad, that's what they call a beard
I tried to make it work, but the girl ain't got the gear
What can I say? I love it in the rear

Comin' out for Christmas, comin' out this year
Can't wait to tell the world that I'm a flaming queer
Comin' out for Christmas, comin' out today
And here's your Christmas present, Mom and Day, I'm gay

Take out those G.I. Joes, I never liked those toys
I never did like stuff that was for boys
Bring me some Barbies, although you think it's wrong
Or better yet, Johnny Depp in a thong

Don't look so surprised to know
It's not like I'm the only homo
Aunty Jean's a lesbian (She is!)
And I've been felt by Uncle Joe

Well, now I don't expect for you to like what you've been told
And if you hate me, well, that's how it goes
Well, as for me, I'm off to a disco
And you can kiss my gay ass as I go (Hello!)

Comin' out for Christmas, comin' out this year
Can't wait to tell the world that I'm a flaming queer
Comin' out for Christmas, comin' out today
And here's your Christmas present, Mom and Day, I'm wonderfully, fabulously, gargantually gay!

-Voltaire*


*Aurelio Voltaire Hernández, a Cuban-American "goth" musician, not to be confused with François-Marie Arouet, influential French writer and philosopher of the 18th century.


Present #2:

To plintus, a Master Jedi of exhibitionism

Aww, ain't that the cutest pic of Anders you've ever seen?


Present #3:

I wasn't very sure about the music recommendations. Some of them you may already know:

Voltaire - Ooky Spooky (for a good laugh)
Devin Townsend - Ziltoid the Omniscient (see above, but "heavier")

bonus:
Die Apokalyptischen Reiter - Have a Nice Trip or Riders on the Storm (either might work)


Merry birth of Nazarene prick imposed over pagan solstice rites to you!
Satan

 

[Secret Satan]

This is Secret Satan's gift to QRV!

For the first gift, Satan is going to wax poetic:

Christmas Haiku

Celebrations now,
presents and liquor later,
fall asleep happy.
​

For the second gift, Satan has decided to go big. Very big:

Your very own private island. You can relax and escape civilization. Who knows, maybe you can declare it a new country and make vast amounts of money by holding server farms for various P2P companies looking to escape copyright laws. The choice is yours.

The Library of Congress. You will never have to search for a book again, because they're all in there.

A bonus gift:

If you tire of those other presents, there's always the gift of inebriation. Almond flavoring not included.



Gift #3, your musical recommendations:

Satan decided to go with some dichotomy, both in subject matter and in musical styles:

The first is Endless Summer by Fennesz. Fennesz is a master of eletronic soundscapes and this album is warm and (more) melodic than his other works. Its also considered by some to be his best.

The second is Chaos Born by Catamenia. These Finnish Black metalers harness melody and clean production well, and use it well to create an atmosphere of cold, clear nights. Not truly "grim," but heavy nonetheless, they are quite underrated.



Merry and happy Christmas to you and yours, QRV. Enjoy the pain - oops, I meant the holidays.
-Satan

 

[Secret Satan]

Dear rahvin,

Satan knows you've been a bad boy this year and rewards you with these gifts.




Gift #1: Pineapples. Lots of them.

Gift #2: A cuddly bear.

Gift #3: Composed by Satan, just for you.


Ode to rahvin

Once upon a time
a dwarf set off to mine,
but soon gave up his task
to play World of Warcraft.

In his path he teamed up
with a hyena and with a band,
and fought in many battles
with his brave grammar-axe.

Now gloriously he sits
upon his golden throne,
enjoying life and his drinks.
For he became king in the DT-land.




Gift #4: Satan suggests that you listen to Amon Amarth, because they're heathens and because "Cry of the Black Birds" slays. Or rocks. Or both.

Even though Satan endorses sodomism, he also suggests that you stop listening to music like the Petshop Boys and VNV Nation, and that you start listening to real manly bands of men, like Dark Tranquillity. Really, give them a try. Stop objecting. No, seriously! Or he will have to take you with him. :Smokedev:





Extra Gift: Unfortunately, you ran out of gifts. But in recognition of the love and care you have dutifully offered him throughout the years, Satan will hereby share with you this extremely old and rare photographic document:

Merry Christmas,
Uncle Satan.

 

[Secret Satan]

Here is a wonderful gift for the glorious MagSec4!!

A little birdie told me that your two favorite animals are seals and eagles, so here you go

I can hardly take credit for this piece of poetry, but it is from one of my favorite Colombian poets, Meira Delmar.

En alguna mañana azul y florecida
iremos dulcemente, con las manos unidas

a escuchar las historias que el arroyo murmura
ante el fácil asombro de las piedras desnudas . . .

No diremos, amado, una sola palabra:
hablarán nuestros ojos su lenguaje de magia,

y la brisa curiosa llegará muy callada
sin romper el embrujo de la hora encantada…

Después . . . como un racimo de hermosas uvas nueva
– tronchadas de la vid por manos tempraneras –

yo dejaré en tu boca con un poco de miedo,
el sabor ignorado de mis besos primeros . . .

Finally, I have a couple of musical suggestions in mind. The first isnt metal at all Zangar and Evans-In the Year 2525 and the second suggestions is entirely metal Dethklok-Musta Krakish. Both are pretty well known and shouldnt be any trouble to find on youtube or some such.

Merry X-mas from your Secret Satan

 

[Secret Satan]

HO! HO! HO! HO!and hail

Secret Satan in the house with exceptional gifts for
CLAD IN SHADOWS

Have you been evil this year? Well, I hope so because here come...

1.
You seem to like having Mikael Stanne in your avatar almost as much as we would love to have him here in Hell! Maybe you will find some new avatar material in the following pictures:







If you don't, then I must resort to having you follow my every command, mortal!



Scared yet? Good.


2.
I must assume you're at least familiar with the satanic and blasphemous and tasteless lyrics to Clad in Shadows, Clad in Shadows. What you probably don't know, though, is that the lyrics as you know them have been tampered with by none other than ME so that they could be dark and gloomy and instigate fear in the hearts of huge, fat men. The original was, unfortunately, much more cheerful and it went something like this:

Reach for your bells
Sing through the dawn
See through your inner chimney
Elves shan't open the doors

Behold: Santa has stopped
Presents are laid the final rest
And still I sleep and do I dream
Yes, but to Yule tide eyes I'm a good boy
To the land where Christmas never dies
Bring me boughs of holly here tonight

Again and again and again in every carol
The Fat Man climbs through my walls
Ever singing Silent Night to the innocent ears

Always to every man I will tell
My wrapping it has no value
Eyes that have seen the gift
Mirth through the ages eternal

I ask some more
Boxing Day has just begun
Never will I see the Wii
And do I miss it
No, my Xbox's black
Emotions leapt through mistletoe
'Tis the season
To be jolly


3.
Sorry for the delay, I just got a memo from a very upset forum user reminding me this is a DEATH METAL FORUM and I was supposed to say something death-ish, metal-lish, forum-ish or all three of them. Well, ROT IN HELL, upset forum user! How's that about something death-ish, huh? How do you like them apples?
Still, he's got a point, although I'm not going to say where.

So give the following two bands a listen, because they are not the kind of music you hear in the streets. You know, when all those harp-wielding gnomes stop you on the sidewalk and start playing Jingle Bells? That's not it.

Amoral are bad, and by that I mean very, very good. Check out Reptile Ride and weep for the tortured souls who listen to crappy music.

The Old Dead Tree are almost as bad, but with a tinge of melancholy thrown in to spite the gods in heaven. Their older records are better, but they're not called The Fortchoming Dead Tree after all, are they?


Secret Satan wishes you a demonic Christmas and an irreligious new year.

 

[Secret Satan]

Satan has finally fully recognized the meaningful posts of hyena over the years and therefore decided to give her a bunch of gifts!

Starting with Abbath from Immortal:

...being "tr00" at it's best ^^

For my second gift, here's a great picture of the legendary Thomas Lindberg when he toured with Sacrilege:

As for the poetry or prose, I've decided to do neither, and instead, present you one of my all-time favorite lyrics, where I'm sure that they'll be of your liking:

Precious Flame of life, so Elusive
A spark being trampled to ashes
And spread by the winds of time

This garden is a silent one
Nothing moves but thoughts
The thoughts of those in silent memory
This they know, this they understand
There is darkness everywhere, outside

Morningstar forever set in Zenith
Uriel ruler of worlds
Saraquel set over spirits

Finally, my musical recommendations:

#1 Dissection: The Somberlain - although he's a murderer, he definitely managed to compose a decent and fine work of art.

#2 Carcass: Swansong - Michael Amott from Arch Enemy in his youth, nothing can be better.

 

[rahvin]

Eight people replied. Anybody missing?

 

[Matse]

Mine.

 

[Wolfman Von Jones]

Me . Satan doesnt love me this year.

 

[rahvin]

So Wolfman's Satan was Matse, or are there two Satan missing? Anyway, hurry up whoever you are.

Edit: Nevermind, I found out reading another thread.

I'm going to leave this open for the 2 people who haven't posted yet.

 

[Secret Satan]

[size=+1]Matthias Matthias[/size]
of the as-of-yet non-hairy chest
You've always been used to the top
You've always proclaimed yourself the best

But Satan is here to tell you today
that he has now left you for last
I would've waited 'til May
had the Central Authority not deemed it unjust

I've sent my minions on a mission
that has successfully been completed
to eliminate the competition
So my will can't be impeded

It's not that you've been bad
And certainly, you haven't been good
But Matse, be not too sad
Satan is now in much a nice mood

"Satan has forgotten me in the end"
may be what you've decided
But I assure you, my dear friend
Satan is not retarded

I have pictures for you
And I have musical recommendations to make
But before I continue
I'll take a coffee and brownie break

I know how much you'd love this coffee
it has the flavor of souls as they rot
I've set you aside a nice trophy
if you can drink the whole pot

this next picture is me, dear
a webcam away from my hordes
which I used as I sat here
and wrote you these very words

The third picture is that of a friend
er ist ja meine Katze
und ich habe ihn jetzt anders gennent:
er heißt eigentlich 'Matse'

The fourth picture is another cat
I found it down route sixty-two
I'm showing you where it's at
so that you may have one too

I would apologize, Matthias
for the dog that bit your fingers
I gave the dog such ideas
but my sinister laugh still lingers

As consolation then
I extend these small presents
it did take a bit to send
but Satan cares not for mortal peasants

Well, maybe a little
Happy Holidays buddy



Recommendations:
Chimaira - Empire
Luciferion - New World to See
Deftones - Teething

 

[Secret Satan]

Satan is bad this year and forgot to bring gifts to Nick.
Therefore he's doomed for eternity and he is such a dick.

But worry not, our dear werewolf, for gifts i bring to thee.
My name is Satan as well, and i have drawn your pic with glee.

In this moonlit night of dark,
bats fly all around.
They chirp and flutter and have fun,
and tell you "drink a round".

They also bring fruit to you,
so that you can enjoy.

And two blades, that shine like stars.
One to defend from the villains and make peace prevail.
The other one, for you to shave.

And here comes your little song,
the one you've been waiting all along,
not really messed with by your dear Satan.

Oh the werewolf, oh the werewolf
Comes howling along
He doesn't even break a neck where he's gone
Once I saw him in the moonlight, when the bats were aflying
I saw the werewolf, and the werewolf was crying

Cryin' nobody knows, nobody knows, nobody knows
How I loved the man, as I teared off his clothes
Cryin' nobody knows, nobody knows my pain
When I see that it's risen; ...that full moon again

For the werewolf, for the werewolf has my sympathy
For the werewolf, somebody like you and me.
And only he goes to me, man this little flute I play
All through the night, until the light of day, and we are doomed to play

For the werewolf, for the werewolf, has my love
For the werewolf, i wrote this beautiful ballad.




And finally music suggestions come to thee.
Please, heed carefully:

 

[MagSec4]

Here is a wonderful gift for the glorious MagSec4!! (In 'size 7' font)

Thanks. Thanks, Satan. You're alright
I know I've spoken against you in the past, but I guess you're alright.

The Dethklok song I was already familiar with. I saw that particular episode when it was first aired. Unfortunately, though, I just realized I've been missing the show the past several weeks..

The song "In the Year 2525" made me think of the far future and the fact that I'll be missing it :/
How do I go about getting cryogenically frozen, again?

And that was a wonderful poem by a poet paisano that I, shamefully, had never heard of until now

Thanks a lot for your time, really.

 

[hyena]

I want to join MagSec in thanking Satan. His musical recommendations were vintage enough to bring a tear to my old eyes The lyrics were great, too.

 

[QRV]

Yes, he gave me what I always wanted: a penis-shaped island of my own (albeit short of one nut). The musical recommendations were pretty cool as well. Thanks.

 

[Wolfman Von Jones]

Thank you Satan for the gifts . It was well worth the wait and I dont know how you knew I love to drink and shave . The song suggestions were top notch really . Thanks again. All hail Satan and such.

N

 

[rahvin]

As quick and as sweet as a bumblebee covered in honey here I come to close the chapter and pronounce this successful Christmas over.