Shitastic Quotes from Album Reviews

Jim LotFP

The Keeper of Metal
Jun 7, 2001
5,674
6
38
49
Helsinki, Finland
www.lotfp.com
OK, here are the rules:

Find quotes from reviews that say nothing or make literally no sense. Typos and writing mistakes don't count, wild opinions don't count. Unequivocally shit writing only.

Provide links (or mag title and issue # if print only) to the full review you're taking quotes from.

LotFP quotes are certainly fair game. Call us on our shit. :D
 
http://www.metal-invader.com/db/reviews-4356.html

"I had never really heard of them before, but I was glad that their newest CD fell in my hands... From the start of the CD, it becomes apparent that they have matured in their sound."

http://www.angelfire.com/music5/metalcdratings/pageLEAVESEYESMFREVIEW.html

"When I was initially introduced to this band, after having read so many favorable reviews, my secret temptation cajoled me to make haste to the now defunct Media Play, in order to seize my own forlorn copy of their debut 'Lovelorn'."

"Liv Kristine has once again finally found her classic vocal verisimilitude, while life partner Alex Krull castigates the competition with his atrocity for werk, hating hallucinations and longing for death mettle."

http://www.angelfire.com/music5/metalcdratings/pageALMORAMFREVIEW.html

"Given that the ancient city of Troy became Constantinople, these Anatoilians have not lost their ancestral echo for the ancient orient."

"Another canticle which just sends me spiralling is "Golden era" which refers to the "...Hero in our hearts." It's celestial words like these and ornamental arabesques which just endorse the ascetic and purlieus faculties for Almora."

http://www.angelfire.com/music5/metalcdratings/pageEDGUYMFREVIEW.html

"So don't let your reservations keep you from purchasing one of the most original and edgy portraits of fate ever released by this epicene entourage."

http://www.angelfire.com/music5/metalcdratings/pageCELLADORMFREVIEW.html

"There are no filler tracks to be found, no mid-paced epics and no ballads, so certain metal enthusiasts will wonder why I'm inclined to this indisposition; as Cellador are clearly one of America's most promising talent. All I can retort to this inquiry is that variety is the whine and cheese to be savoured in this cellar's Dorian portrait of life."

Hell, man. http://www.angelfire.com/music5/metalcdratings/pageMICHAEL.html

I want this guy for 100 Questions.
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=10090
tagline for the 3rd review down:
Commanding riffs and racism for the discerning fan
'da fuck?

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=1807
1. Diabolical vocals that sound like a poser Danny Filth taking a shower in prison.

2. Diabolical guitar riffs that are so sloppy it sounds like the guitarist was being sucked off by Frankie Muniz during the recording sessions.
...should we give style points for uhm... creative celebrity references? o_O