Silly Stories and (non extremely sick) Jokes thread

[Existenz]

Why? Because I'm bored!

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......









Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

'Defrost chicken'


Sperm Bank

A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out". "We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies. "I don't care" says the robber, "take it out and drink it down!", he demands. Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample. "Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies. Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband... he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".

 

[Banners]

Ha ha, those were good, i have a stupid story that is apparently true and was posted on a site for the worlds top 100 stupid deaths. A few years ago, a very rich american purchased himself a rather expensive sports car. He loved speed you see and just couldn't get enough of cars that could really gun it. This car was apparently one of the fastest road cars in the world. However, our american friend wasn't satisifed with it's speed and really wanted to go fast. He arranged to have a couple of Harrier Jump Jet engines attached to his car so he could experience REAL speed at an abandoned airport run way in Nevada. Engines attached and car ready he began to move. Both the plane engines were going as well as the cars own engine. As he picked up speed the car began to fall apart and the end of the run way got ever closer. He disappeared from the sight of frightened onlookers. After another couple of seconds they were startled by a huge crash and a massive explosion. When they got to the source of the crash they saw a huge, charred hole in a mountainside about 20 feet off the ground, this suggests the car actually took off. No traces were found of the car or the driver except the steering wheel some way back from the mountain. Embedded in the steering wheel were the drivers finger nails (pretty disgusting) and that was it, all that was left. Now wether this is true or not remains a mystery, but it's still quite a funny story. Anyway, cheers. Banners

 

[Iconoclast]

There is this little girl watching her mom getting changed. The little girl
points to her mommy and asks "Mommy, what's that?"
"It's pubic hair," the mother replies.
"When will I get those, Mommy?"
"When you get older," answered the mother.

The little girl points to her mother again and asks, "Mommy what's that?"
"They're boobies."
"When will I get that, Mommy?"
"When you get older."

So the little girl goes and watches her dad change.
"Daddy what's that?"
"A penis, honey."
"When will I get that?"
"When your mom leaves for BINGO."

-----------------------------------------------------

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip on the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse around the neck, shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has, by this time, slipped completely out of the saddle and only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, a Security Guard comes out of the Supermarket and unplugs the horse.

-----------------------------------------------------

[Sorry I had to take some of the jokes out duder, I have to change the thread to silly jokes and Non-Sick jokes you fucker (don't get me wrong I laughed my tits off but I can see how easily they can offend people) ]

 

[Dragonfolker]

Man, why do I get the feeling you don't like babys?

 

[Dragonfolker]

Heeey were are the baby jokes???

OK OK I get it, a bit too much?

But that has given me hope (I am not the only sick shit on this Universe!!!)

 

[Iconoclast]

[Sorry I had to take some of the jokes out duder, I have to change the thread to silly jokes and Non-Sick jokes you fucker (don't get me wrong I laughed my tits off but I can see how easily they can offend people)

So?! Fuck that! Isn't this "ultimatemetal.com"? Since when do Metal, censorship and political correctness go together?! Damn, we might as well cut our hair and wear nice, smart, clean suits.

Anyone who gets offended can lick my shaft and get the fuck out of here and go jerk off to their Barry Manilow records. Bah!

 

[Existenz]

So?! Fuck that! Isn't this "ultimatemetal.com"? Since when do Metal, censorship and political correctness go together?! Damn, we might as well cut our hair and wear nice, smart, clean suits.

Anyone who gets offended can lick my shaft and get the fuck out of here and go jerk off to their Barry Manilow records. Bah!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't jerk off but I can mouse click

 

[Biomechanoid#001]

So?! Fuck that! Isn't this "ultimatemetal.com"? Since when do Metal, censorship and political correctness go together?! Damn, we might as well cut our hair and wear nice, smart, clean suits.

Anyone who gets offended can lick my shaft and get the fuck out of here and go jerk off to their Barry Manilow records. Bah!

Hey Adamski, don't mind me buddy, just playing by the rules,
(I know, I know...fuck the rules) I got that straight from the UM rules post:

• No foul language please unless you use $%^ or whatever to edit it.
• No offensive emblems such as swastikas, etc. or porn related imagery (this goes for avatars as well please, thanks)
• No verbal harassment of other members unless it is joking and the other person is cool with it.

Now we are swearing left right and centre here so rule #1 is gone

I also know these are only guidelines but the truth is that I enjoy being part of the UM boards and don't really wanna have trouble with the dudes who run this site that's all man. Not trying to hold you back in what you are trying to say (by the way I thought the jokes were awesome and no doubt Chris who is as sick as you will be on the floor).

Now click here and try not to get your disease free shaft licked or otherwise-(High Score 7550)

 

[Iconoclast]

I see nothing on there about dead baby jokes!!!

 

[Biomechanoid#001]

I see nothing on there about dead baby jokes!!!

Yeap, fair dues,

Thing is we sick puppys like jokes like these, I am not sure how other people take them

I know, I know...: Lick My Shaft!!!!

 

[Existenz]

What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

 

[Existenz]

 

[Existenz]

Found this on another site!

GRIND METAL:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable
for about 2 mintues and then leaves...

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the
dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest

TRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and
fucks her....... easy and quick

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks
some beers and fucks the princess

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins,
flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from
all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy
axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle
and burns the place before he leaves

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and
kills her, then leaves

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it
in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her
blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the
deflowered princess

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the
front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her....then he fucks
again her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, fucks
the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the
last time

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that
he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the
dragon eats his body and the princess as well

PROGRESIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes,
the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist arrives to
the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques
learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes,
and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
castle in a beautiful pink color

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene
gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by
security guards.

 

[Baletempest]

LOL that made me laugh my ass off

 

[Existenz]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden
the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little

pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of
the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"


And, so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

Merry Christmas.

 

[Iconoclast]

There were 4 nuns who had all died in a shooting. They were all in line at Saint Peter's. The first nun walks up and the man asks if she had ever touched a penis. She said that she had touched one with her left hand. He told her to put her left hand in the holy water and it will be forgiven. The next nun walked up and he asked her if she had ever touched a penis also. She said that she had touched one with her right hand. She put her right hand in the holy water, and it was forgiven.

They then heard the other two nuns yelling in the middle of the line trying to skip each other. Saint Peters yells back, "What are you two fighting about?!". The 4th nun said that she wanted to go ahead and drink the water before the third nun stuck her arse in it.

 

[Existenz]

 

[Existenz]

Bad Guitar Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.


How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.


How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.


How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.


What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.


What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.



What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.



Did you hear about the heavy metal guitar player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the window to let the drummer out!


What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who has told too many drummer jokes!


What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
Laughing at'em



What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it


How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune ?
If the strings are vibrating.



How can you tell if there is a guitarist at the door?
He knocks out of time, and comes in too early.


What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned down!