Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
A: Neither did I
Q: Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them
Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
A: Evidently all of them.
A guitar player and an drummer are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the guitar player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a death metal guitar player?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
A: Both suck when you plug them in
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None...they just steal somebody else's light
Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
A: "Will the defendant please rise ..."
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..
Q: How do you make a bass player sound like a guitar player?
A: Grab a pick and play all the wrong notes.
Q: What kind of calendar does a guitar player use for his gigs?
A: "Year-at-a-glance"
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead guitarist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
A: Give him music to read.
Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q: How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
A: He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
Q: In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
A: Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Q: Why are a guitarists fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Q: Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they're all very nice people..
Q: How do you get a quitar player to play faster?
A: Put a spot light on him
Q: How do you get them to slow down?
A: Put sheet music in front of them
Q: How do you put a twinkle in a guitar players eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you get an guitarist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
Q: How do guitar players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: Why are scientists breeding guitarist instead of rats for science expirements?
A: because they breed faster and you don't get as attatched to them.
Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
~FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: ~
A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat.
The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.
Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen"
Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at 'em.
Q: What's a guitar players idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
A: Neither did I
Q: Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them
Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
A: Evidently all of them.
A guitar player and an drummer are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the guitar player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a death metal guitar player?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
A: Both suck when you plug them in
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None...they just steal somebody else's light
Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
A: "Will the defendant please rise ..."
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..
Q: How do you make a bass player sound like a guitar player?
A: Grab a pick and play all the wrong notes.
Q: What kind of calendar does a guitar player use for his gigs?
A: "Year-at-a-glance"
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead guitarist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
A: Give him music to read.
Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q: How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
A: He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
Q: In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
A: Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Q: Why are a guitarists fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Q: Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they're all very nice people..
Q: How do you get a quitar player to play faster?
A: Put a spot light on him
Q: How do you get them to slow down?
A: Put sheet music in front of them
Q: How do you put a twinkle in a guitar players eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you get an guitarist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
Q: How do guitar players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: Why are scientists breeding guitarist instead of rats for science expirements?
A: because they breed faster and you don't get as attatched to them.
Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
~FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: ~
A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat.
The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.
Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen"
Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at 'em.
Q: What's a guitar players idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
