Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman.
Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Stage Presence Offenses
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
Plays tambourine-$10
Plays tambourine out of time-$50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over
stage-$25
Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
Tells jokes over mic-$5
Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
Other Miscellaneous Offenses
Late for gig-$30
Dates a musician in the band-$50
Dates the drummer-$150
Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20
Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50
Uses fictitious last name-$50
Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a
STAR"-$20
Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000
Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500
~THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...~
Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?
Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom.
Checkmate!
Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!!
Why is there porno in the VCR?
Can you believe all the money we're getting?
Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
No thanks, I don't want another beer.
Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at you door?
A: She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
If you took all the singers in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.
Did you hear about the singer who was so dumb the other singers noticed?
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman.
Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Stage Presence Offenses
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
Plays tambourine-$10
Plays tambourine out of time-$50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over
stage-$25
Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
Tells jokes over mic-$5
Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
Other Miscellaneous Offenses
Late for gig-$30
Dates a musician in the band-$50
Dates the drummer-$150
Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20
Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50
Uses fictitious last name-$50
Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a
STAR"-$20
Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000
Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500
~THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...~
Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?
Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom.
Checkmate!
Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!!
Why is there porno in the VCR?
Can you believe all the money we're getting?
Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
No thanks, I don't want another beer.
Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at you door?
A: She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
If you took all the singers in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.
Did you hear about the singer who was so dumb the other singers noticed?
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.
