So uhh, How do you play a guitar?

My guitarist is talking about leaving. Fucker used me for sex, drugs, and some rock n roll spotlight. Now he leave's me high n dry! (Well not too dry...hee hee)

Anyways, how the hell do you play one of these things? I was figuring I can do vocals while playing. How long does it take to learn? Our music isn't too complicated. And the music has always been more about passion than musicianship anyways. Nevertheless, I need to learn how to play these notes! Anyone in the L.A area interested in giving me some tutoring sessions? (I tried going at it by myself, but I keep hitting the wrong strings. ) I'm also "open" to giving a tryout to anyone who is capable of playing some hard hitting music for little monetary compensation. (We'll work something out). PM if interested!