Some good jokes that made my night after 2 days of mixing shit bands.

[Where She Wept]

Thanks to the guys on Gearslutz who posted these:


Q: What's the difference between God and an FOH sound engineer?

A: God don't think he's an FOH sound engineer.





Q: What is the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet bowl?

A: A toilet bowl only has to deal with one a$$hole at a time.

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

Not audio related but hey I find it kickass:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (From Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Ran McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

[LSD-Studio]

what's 3-legged and has the arsehole on top of it?

...a drumstool

 

[J the TyranT]

Ha! Not anymore! =P

 

[egan.]

Not audio related but hey I find it kickass:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (From Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Ran McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Funny, but there is truth to Gates's comments. The auto industry has done it's best to move backwards. Granted it's fair to blame consumers too.

"Detroit - With Congress poised for a final vote on the energy bill, the Environmental Protection Agency made an 11th-hour decision Tuesday to delay the planned release of an annual report on fuel economy.

But a copy of the report, embargoed for publication Wednesday, was sent to The New York Times by a member of the E.P.A. communications staff just minutes before the decision was made to delay it until next week. The contents of the report show that loopholes in American fuel economy regulations have allowed automakers to produce cars and trucks that are significantly less fuel-efficient, on average, than they were in the late 1980's."

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

Funny, but there is truth to Gates's comments. The auto industry has done it's best to move backwards. Granted it's fair to blame consumers too.

Oh without a doubt. It's pretty stupid that we still consume oild at the rate we do. Hybrid cars should have been developed years ago, along with other green cars.

 

[Metaltastic]

Fuck hybrids; diesel for the win!

 

[garry666]

ahhh fuck fuel economy i may spend $130 a week on fuel but at least i dont look like a pansy in some piece of shit smart car.

 

[JeffTD]

Fuck hybrids; diesel for the win!

Seriously... hybrids are retarded. If they wanted to make a truly efficient 'hybrid,' they'd use a diesel engine to power an electric generator, like in trains.

 

[Greatdeceiver]

Srsly by the time earth runs out of oil we will be dead. So instead of driving a smartcar get yourself a realdeal vehicle

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

Fuck hybrids; diesel for the win!

I know you get better mileage with diesel but around here it's 4.47 a gallon, that and it's not found at every gas station.

Oh and although the whole hybrid thing sounds okay (as far as economy goes) it's really stupid because I was told the battery needs to be replaced ($5k) every 5 or so years.

So even hybrids fail.

I drive a dodge intrepid (the smaller 2.3 v6). Fucking huge gas tank for a car. At the current price for gas (I know I'm bitching quite a bit since you guys over the pond have it way worse) it costs me $70 to fill the fucker up.

 

[006]

ANY vehicle is going to fail. I mean...just look at the extreme stresses and conditions your vehicle is put through daily.

Anyway, back to jokes...this is a one-liner from my father:

"She's got the kind of legs I like. Feet on one end, pussy on the other."

And before the joke happens - no, he wasn't talking about my mom.

~006

 

[egan.]

ANY vehicle is going to fail. I mean...just look at the extreme stresses and conditions your vehicle is put through daily.

Anyway, back to jokes...this is a one-liner from my father:

"She's got the kind of legs I like. Feet on one end, pussy on the other."

And before the joke happens - no, he wasn't talking about my mom.

~006

I was though

 

[egan.]

on th car note:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/130439
http://www.newsweek.com/id/123631

 

[Glenn Fricker]

Personally, I like the car that's been developed in France & runs on compressed air.




And yes, I build Chrysler Minivans.

 

[SocialNumb]

hmm ?
http://gas2.org/2008/03/12/the-worlds-most-fuel-efficient-car-285-mpg-not-a-hybrid/

 

[egan.]

hmm ?
http://gas2.org/2008/03/12/the-worlds-most-fuel-efficient-car-285-mpg-not-a-hybrid/

http://gas2.org/2008/02/29/37659-mpg-car-found-in-museum-it-was-built-in-1959/

 

[SocialNumb]

http://gas2.org/2008/02/29/37659-mpg-car-found-in-museum-it-was-built-in-1959/

Yeah saw that. I think the only reason we don't all have well built low fuel cars is because there to much money being made. It's also a form of control.

 

[JBroll]

Funny, but there is truth to Gates's comments. The auto industry has done it's best to move backwards. Granted it's fair to blame consumers too.

"Detroit - With Congress poised for a final vote on the energy bill, the Environmental Protection Agency made an 11th-hour decision Tuesday to delay the planned release of an annual report on fuel economy.

But a copy of the report, embargoed for publication Wednesday, was sent to The New York Times by a member of the E.P.A. communications staff just minutes before the decision was made to delay it until next week. The contents of the report show that loopholes in American fuel economy regulations have allowed automakers to produce cars and trucks that are significantly less fuel-efficient, on average, than they were in the late 1980's."

The problem is that Gates, as much as (if not more than) anyone else, needs to learn that people in glass houses should not throw stones... he built his home around the windows, and it shows. Gates has watched massive developments in software and computing ability fly right by him - open-source software like Linux and BSD derivatives power massive proportions of key servers and databases, as well as being platforms of choice for the people who hold the burden of making sure they work and developing their improvements, and software largely from open-source movements (like Mac OS X and much of its software) is actually fucking working.

Meanwhile, the Microsoft approach has been "Gunshot wound... bandaid. Prosthetic leg where arm was blown off is not functioning right... bandaid. Bandaids becoming infected and no longer helping the problem... clearly the bandaid needs a bandaid!", and they're surprised when their new software isn't even considered by the majority of software users until it's basically sent back into the OR with a service pack.

Honestly, someone like Gates saying this stuff is like Carter talking about how bad Bush is. I'm more afraid of a Microsoft car than a GM operating system... the GM OS may still spend half of its resources on compatibility with century-old programming, but at least it won't be like the MSmobile and have a Slim Jim duct-taped to the side of the car so that anyone who can pull on two door handles at once can get in.

Jeff

 

[jhrv]

I drive a dodge intrepid (the smaller 2.3 v6). Fucking huge gas tank for a car. At the current price for gas (I know I'm bitching quite a bit since you guys over the pond have it way worse) it costs me $70 to fill the fucker up.

Here in Venezuela, it cost like 10$.