Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.

[NAD]

No, wait, not me, you.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

This was the main reason to watch Saturday Night Live years ago, then they switched to My Life with Jack Handy or something it was stupid. Good ones:

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

 

[J.]

I remember this one, haha:

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.