Tell us all a joke

J

J1NX

Member
Sep 10, 2004
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Some have said there's been too much political bickering here lately. Come, let us heal this mighty messageboard. Everyone pitch in a joke or two. I like 'em short and snappy, and for this thread, let's make 'em NON-PARTISAN!

I'll start off with a lame one you can all beat easy:

There's these two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
 
Whats got two legs and bleeds
Half a dog

Why did god give women legs
Cause he saw the mess snails made

Whats got 99 balls and fucks old ladies
Bingo

Whats the worlds most dangerous insect
A hepititis bee

Heard the one about the gay carpenter
He always leaves a saw behind

All stolen from magazines nicked from my work mates.
 
Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.

The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"

She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest.

Again, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replies "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M".

He says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"

"NO" replies the patient "but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"
 
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through
the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really
freezing!" She looks at him and says,"For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get COLD?"
 
How do you make your girlfriend scream when you're having sex?



Phone her up.
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.'' *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. ''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.'' *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. ''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
 
This man walks into his psychiatrist's office. He is stark naked, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made out of Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Well...I can clearly see you're nuts."
 
A guy goes up to his co-worker and says "Man, I'm going camping this weekend, you gotta go. It'll be a blast". The other guy says, "Damn, I'd love to go, but the boss is making me work this weekend, I can't go". He says, "All right then, I'll see you Monday".
On Monday, the guy comes in the office and says, "Oh shit! Man you should have gone camping! The greatest thing happened!" The other guy says, "What? What happened?" He says, "Well, I was hiking in the woods and I came across this girl tied to the railroad tracks, so I untied her. We went back to the campsite, we were sitting around the campfire, and one thing led to another, and then...we did everything." "Everything?" the guy asked. "EVERYTHING!" he said.
"Did you do anal?" the co-worker asked. "We sure did!" he said. "Did you eat her out?" he asked again. "Hell yeah I did!" exclaimed the guy. The co-worker says, "Awesome! Dude, tell me, tell me you got some head..."
The guy says, "No...no...that's the only part of her I couldn't find". :yuk:

BUNG!!!
 
:yuk: :tickled:

This kid walks in on his parents arguing. They are calling each other names like "bitch" and "bastard." The kid goes "What does that mean Daddy?"
His dad replies "Thats another name for friends. Me and your mom are good friends." So the kid says "ok."

Later on that night, his parents are having sex and the kid hears them and his mom goes "Ooh! Stick your dick in my pussy!" and the kid goes "What does that mean mommy??" and his mom replies "Coats and hats. We need to put on our coats and hats because its cold outside." So the kid says "ok."

The next morning his dad is shaving and he accadently cuts himself and he says "SHIT!!" and once again, the kid asks "What does that mean daddy??" and his dad tells him "Thats the type of shaving cream I use." So the kid says "ok."

Later on, his mom is cutting a turkey for lunch and she cuts herself by accadent and screams, "FUCK!!" and the kid asks AGAIN "What does that mean, Mommy??" and she replies "Thats another word for cutting the turkey."

So later on the doorbell rings. The kids mom says, "Open it up sweetie. Your friends are here to play." So the kid opens the door and he says...

"Hello, bitches and bastards! Hang up your dicks and pussies! My dads upstairs shaving the shit off his face and my moms downstairs fucking the turkey!!!"
 
sufferer said:
A guy goes up to his co-worker and says "Man, I'm going camping this weekend, you gotta go. It'll be a blast". The other guy says, "Damn, I'd love to go, but the boss is making me work this weekend, I can't go". He says, "All right then, I'll see you Monday".
On Monday, the guy comes in the office and says, "Oh shit! Man you should have gone camping! The greatest thing happened!" The other guy says, "What? What happened?" He says, "Well, I was hiking in the woods and I came across this girl tied to the railroad tracks, so I untied her. We went back to the campsite, we were sitting around the campfire, and one thing led to another, and then...we did everything." "Everything?" the guy asked. "EVERYTHING!" he said.
"Did you do anal?" the co-worker asked. "We sure did!" he said. "Did you eat her out?" he asked again. "Hell yeah I did!" exclaimed the guy. The co-worker says, "Awesome! Dude, tell me, tell me you got some head..."
The guy says, "No...no...that's the only part of her I couldn't find". :yuk:

BUNG!!!
Click to expand...
thats classic!
 
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