I was amused. Enjoy.
> "101 Rules of Black Metal"
>
> 1. Don't be gay.
> 2. Be "true."
> 3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
> 4. Be grim.
> 5. Be necro.
> 6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
> 7. Break things while being grim and necro.
> 8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
> 9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
> 10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
> 11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
> 12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out
> that
> you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
> 13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean
> "burn."
> 14. Don't be Dani Filth.
> 15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G
> slams,
> man."
> 16. Don't be Dani Filth.
> 17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're
> too
> metal to remove refuse.
> 18. Don't pronounce words as silly as Attila did on Mayhem's "De
> Mysterriis..." ("Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal
> Fog")
> 19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
> 20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things, look out!)
> 21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its
> release... so it becomes "cult."
> 22. When in doubt, say, "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
> 23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
> 24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
> 25. Nipple twisting is not a black metal activity...
> 26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
> interviews
> with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
> 27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
> 28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than
> 15
> adjectives in the title.
> 29. a) Paint face. b) Go in woods. c) Act like troll.
> 30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
> 31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
> 32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
> 33. Don't make jokes.
> 34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
> 35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
> 36. To producers of black metal albums: remember: no low end! If it
> doesn't
> hurt to listen to, it can't be "true."
> 37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are
> "session" members.
> 38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
> imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult"
> LP
> won't get it.
> 39. Never play live.
> 40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other
> people there are not going to the show to look at you.
> 41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both
> "necro" and "grim".)
> 42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is
> the
> raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by
> the
> conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal
> is.
> 43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because
> of
> the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene."
> 44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce
> commercial success.
> 45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
> wouldn't
> be "true."
> 46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also
> have side projects.
> 47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as
> "session" musicians.
> 48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
> producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
> 49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors
> (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
> 50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word
> "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
> 51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the
> wearing
> of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
> 52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
> sound
> the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
> 53. Never say "friggin."
> 54. Never finish anything you start.
> 55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting
> someone "true."
> 56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
> Hails."
> 57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted
> cross
> and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
> 58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology
> "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition."
> 59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper
> in
> the middle of math class.
> 60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you
> really
> don't enjoy being interviewed.
> 61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
> 62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
> 63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival
> of
> the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck
> the
> Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
> 64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
> 65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
> Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of
> yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only,
> instead of
> being night make sure it's the middle of the
> @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also:
> rule
> 1)
> 666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to
> approximately 8 of them regularly.
> 67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not
> "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like
> a
> shotgun when she turns around).
> 68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the
> Internet.
> Single acceptable smiley: -(
> 69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it!
> Amateurs...
> 70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
> 71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
> 72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and
> therefore
> "true."
> 73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
> 74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier." Any
> pets
> you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier."
> 75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the
> mighty
> Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a
> minute...
> It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
> 76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
> 77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
> 78. That's better, on with the interview!
> 80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools:
> Drum
> sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also: "clouded frost
> spire")
> 81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in
> touch
> with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts
> make
> sense in conjunction.
> 82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
> 83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
> 84. Don't make references.
> 85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
> 86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
> 87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of
> three
> completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.
> Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical
> Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden), but you may also want to
> refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism."
> 88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black
> metal, but if your girlfriend still won't stop bugging you about wanting
> to
> be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
> 89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and
> some
> gay-looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
> 90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
> 91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
> 92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
> 93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
> 94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
> 95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of,
> but
> also haven't even heard.
> 96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
> 97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of
> your
> songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
> 98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore
> more
> "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp
> on
> the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin,
> Orcish.)
> 99. I'll tell you what your album layout needs... Some titties.
> 100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick
> up
> that makeup and fight, soldier!
> 101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've
> been
> prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
> "101 Rules of Black Metal"
>
> 1. Don't be gay.
> 2. Be "true."
> 3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
> 4. Be grim.
> 5. Be necro.
> 6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
> 7. Break things while being grim and necro.
> 8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
> 9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
> 10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
> 11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
> 12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out
> that
> you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
> 13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean
> "burn."
> 14. Don't be Dani Filth.
> 15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G
> slams,
> man."
> 16. Don't be Dani Filth.
> 17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're
> too
> metal to remove refuse.
> 18. Don't pronounce words as silly as Attila did on Mayhem's "De
> Mysterriis..." ("Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal
> Fog")
> 19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
> 20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things, look out!)
> 21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its
> release... so it becomes "cult."
> 22. When in doubt, say, "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
> 23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
> 24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
> 25. Nipple twisting is not a black metal activity...
> 26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
> interviews
> with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
> 27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
> 28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than
> 15
> adjectives in the title.
> 29. a) Paint face. b) Go in woods. c) Act like troll.
> 30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
> 31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
> 32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
> 33. Don't make jokes.
> 34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
> 35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
> 36. To producers of black metal albums: remember: no low end! If it
> doesn't
> hurt to listen to, it can't be "true."
> 37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are
> "session" members.
> 38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
> imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult"
> LP
> won't get it.
> 39. Never play live.
> 40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other
> people there are not going to the show to look at you.
> 41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both
> "necro" and "grim".)
> 42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is
> the
> raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by
> the
> conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal
> is.
> 43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because
> of
> the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene."
> 44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce
> commercial success.
> 45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
> wouldn't
> be "true."
> 46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also
> have side projects.
> 47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as
> "session" musicians.
> 48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
> producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
> 49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors
> (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
> 50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word
> "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
> 51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the
> wearing
> of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
> 52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
> sound
> the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
> 53. Never say "friggin."
> 54. Never finish anything you start.
> 55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting
> someone "true."
> 56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
> Hails."
> 57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted
> cross
> and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
> 58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology
> "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition."
> 59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper
> in
> the middle of math class.
> 60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you
> really
> don't enjoy being interviewed.
> 61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
> 62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
> 63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival
> of
> the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck
> the
> Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
> 64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
> 65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
> Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of
> yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only,
> instead of
> being night make sure it's the middle of the
> @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also:
> rule
> 1)
> 666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to
> approximately 8 of them regularly.
> 67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not
> "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like
> a
> shotgun when she turns around).
> 68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the
> Internet.
> Single acceptable smiley: -(
> 69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it!
> Amateurs...
> 70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
> 71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
> 72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and
> therefore
> "true."
> 73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
> 74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier." Any
> pets
> you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier."
> 75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the
> mighty
> Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a
> minute...
> It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
> 76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
> 77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
> 78. That's better, on with the interview!
> 80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools:
> Drum
> sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also: "clouded frost
> spire")
> 81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in
> touch
> with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts
> make
> sense in conjunction.
> 82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
> 83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
> 84. Don't make references.
> 85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
> 86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
> 87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of
> three
> completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.
> Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical
> Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden), but you may also want to
> refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism."
> 88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black
> metal, but if your girlfriend still won't stop bugging you about wanting
> to
> be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
> 89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and
> some
> gay-looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
> 90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
> 91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
> 92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
> 93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
> 94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
> 95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of,
> but
> also haven't even heard.
> 96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
> 97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of
> your
> songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
> 98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore
> more
> "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp
> on
> the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin,
> Orcish.)
> 99. I'll tell you what your album layout needs... Some titties.
> 100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick
> up
> that makeup and fight, soldier!
> 101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've
> been
> prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
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