The Official Python (Monty) Thread

[Rusty]

For all your Python needs. I'll start off with a cracking song from The Holy Grail: Camelot!!

We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-able
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot

We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot

In war we're tough and able
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot

 

[Sonnenritter]

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!

...Surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our four...no...

Amongst our weapons.... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surpr....

 

[Rusty]

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

Second Brother: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-

BM: Skip a bit, Brother.

SB: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

 

[Rusty]

And this is for Hearse.

 

[tara]

And now for something completely different...

 

[Rusty]

Father: Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

Guard 1: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.

Father: No, no, until I come and get him.

Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

Father: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard 1: And you'll come and get him.

Father: Right.

Guard 1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

Father: No, no. Leaving the room.

Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes.

Father: All right?

Guard 1: Right.

Father: Right.

Guard 1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

Father: Yes? What is it?

Guard 1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

Father: Look, it's quite simple.

Guard 1: Uh...

Father: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

Guard 1: Right. Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

Father: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--

Guard 1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--

Father: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

Guard 1: --until you or anyone else--

Father: --no, not anyone else, just me--

Guard 1: --just you--

Father: --get back.

Guard 1: --get back.

Father: All right?

Guard 1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

Father: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard 1: What?

Father: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Guard 1: The Prince?

Father: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course. Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

Father: Is that clear?

Guard 1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

Father: Right. Where are you going?

Guard 1: We're coming with you.

Father: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Guard 1: Oh, I see. Right.


I left out the hiccups.

 

[Wandrail]

Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad.
Other things just make swear and curse.
When you're chewin on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best...and...

 

[nØthing]

(I truly love you guys! I really mean that!!!!)

...We have spam spam spam eggs sausage and spam...that hasn't got much spam in it...

---------------------

I did a one-man skit of the French taunter scene last year (I only had three parts anyway...but I memorized all of them). I got a 100% on it

ARTHUR:
Halt!
Hello!
Hello!
FRENCH GUARD:
Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR:
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD:
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR:
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD:
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR:
What?
GALAHAD:
He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR:
Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD:
Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS:
[chuckling]

ARTHUR:
Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD:
Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR:
Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD:
I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?!
GALAHAD:
What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD:
Mind your own business!
ARTHUR:
If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD:
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD:
What a strange person.
ARTHUR:
Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD:
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD:
No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

-----------------

I bought the special edition dvd of holy grail for my girlfriend. Me knowing that she loves Monty Python too makes me love her even more.

And has anybody else made up their own silly walk?

 

[nafnikufesin]

It was only a matter of time until a thread like this popped up.

I'm invincible!!!

 

[nØthing]

You're a loony

 

[tara]

vocational guidance counselor...vocational guidance counselor....VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR!!!! <---sung

 

[Slash Freeman]

we've had millions of these of the years.

But answer me this:

are you suggesting cocnuts migrate?!?!?!

 

[Wandrail]

"Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso-facto half not be. For can a bee be said to be, when half of him is not a bee, due to some ancient injury....singing:

A la dee dee, a one two three, Eric the half-a-bee..."

 

[tara]

OOOOOOOH
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!


HE'S A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OKAY, HE SLEEPS ALL NIGHT AND HE WORKS ALL DAY!

 

[Wandrail]

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatoreee,
On wednesday's I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea!

 

[~Zeanra~]

And now nro. 1 - The Larch, THE Larch.

And now nro. 1 - The Larch, THE Larch.

And now...nro. 3 - The Horse Chestnut Tree.

And now nro. 1 - The Larch, THE Larch.


Well, it isn't so funny whenit's written but it made my friends and me laugh like never before.








Lemoncurry!

 

[Wandrail]

"Do you, in fact, have any cheese here at all?"

"Eeeeeh...no sir, I was deliberately wasting your time."
-gunshot-

"What a senseless waste of human life..."

 

[Rusty]

Originally posted by ~Zeanra~
And now nro. 1 - The Larch, THE Larch.

And now nro. 1 - The Larch, THE Larch.

And now...nro. 3 - The Horse Chestnut Tree.

And now nro. 1 - The Larch, THE Larch.

Wow, I only just posted this in another thread (where I got the idea for an official Python (Monty) thread in the first place):

Originally posted by Rusty
And now for something completely different...

How to tell trees from a very long way away.

Number 1. The Larch. The... Larch. The... Larch.

And now, number 1. The Larch. The... Larch. The... Larch.

 

[Rusty]

And, just for the record, I could copy Mr Cleese's silly walk quite well, until I lost the video and forgot it...

 

[SculptedCold]

FATHER:
You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT:
Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER:
I can understand that.
HERBERT:
Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
FATHER:
Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LAUNCELOT:
Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER:
Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT:
Oh, dear. Is he all right?



He's run himself over! What a twit!