The Story of metal

darkblade

darkblade

heartbeat of the earth
May 26, 2007
678
0
16
36
Doylestown, PA
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a majestic warhorse, slays the dragon with his magic long sword, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.
 
darkblade said:
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
Click to expand...

No, it should be he fights masses of corrupt politicians.

darkblade said:
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
Click to expand...

He doesnt fight a dragon, he fights a whole group of rapist cops.

darkblade said:
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
Click to expand...

They get the dragon to fall asleep with their trollish music, then get drunk forget the princess and leave. They then have another party and have a mushroom feast.


darkblade said:
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
Click to expand...

Hes gotta kill a Kracken or something, not a dragon.


darkblade said:
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
Click to expand...

He has to kill an evil baby, then stew it. Then he kills and rapes the princess...actually its the babies mom but whatever.


darkblade said:
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
Click to expand...

Its a zombie king guy....not a dragon.

darkblade said:
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
Click to expand...

Yeah that works


darkblade said:
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
Click to expand...

yep

darkblade said:
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
Click to expand...

Ninja's instead of dragons. Watch that ghey motely crue video haha

darkblade said:
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
Click to expand...

He tries to beatbox a giant robot to death, then gets burned by laser vision.

darkblade said:
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a majestic warhorse, slays the dragon with his magic long sword, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
Click to expand...

Exactly.

darkblade said:
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.
Click to expand...

Yeah.
 
I think I have the longer list somewhere ie saved on my computer. I lol'd pretty hard when I first read this, back in the dark ages. I still do lol.
 
can someone else please point out how destructass missed / ruined a perfectly hilarious list? And how he's going to come on and say he was "making his own joke" or some bullshit thing.

*grumbles* i need more beer.
 
DoomsdayZach said:
can someone else please point out how destructass missed / ruined a perfectly hilarious list? And how he's going to come on and say he was "making his own joke" or some bullshit thing.

*grumbles* i need more beer.
Click to expand...

No. I have nothing to argue against....I never get jokes. I fail.
 
darkblade said:
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
Click to expand...

The person that wrote this list obviously has no idea of what these genres are really all about so I'll attempt at writing a much better version of these ones:



Thrash Metal:
The protagonist arrives drunk, in his white high top sneakers and cut off denim jacket covered with patches, starts headbanging like a madman and with the force of the wind blows the dragon away into the moshpit then puts on some Kreator and fucks the princess

Heavy Metal:
The protagonist arrives wearing nothing but denim and leather with a Saxon t-shirt.. he tells the dragon if he isn't into Manowar then he isnt his freind, the dragon gets upset... asks for the protagonist's forgiveness but the protagonist tells the dragon he is a false metaler and he blasts Manowar's "Hail to England" album at him so loud that the sound waves blast the dragons scales and skin right off and it dies. The protagonist asks the princess if she likes Manowar, she has never heard of them so he kills her.

Ok now honestly for Death metal I could not really think of one cool enough to do so I'll do mine based on american brutal death metal

American brutal death metal:
The protagonist arrives in a black Suffocation t-shirt with a white t-shirt under it with Dickies pants or shorts (usually shorts) and DVS skate shoes. He picks up a guitar and proceeds to start playing NO other notes than from frets 1 to 4 on the bottom E string with the random palm mutes here and there... puts the guitar down and says "that was SICK AND BRUTAL DUUUUUUDE!" then does some hardcore dancing and accidently hits the princess and knocks her out.. he is startled shocked that he did this so he's standing on the spot with his mouth wide open in shock and simply blurts out "Brutal..."

and WHAT THE FUCK, this person totally screwed up the Doom metal one.. he obviously only knows of My Dying Bride and other piss weak emo doom metal bands. Real doom metal: Earth, Candlemass, SunnO))), Coffins etc...


Doom metal:
The protagonist arrives in a black robe with the hood completely covering his head and face, this one also brings a guitar and he plugs it into a Sunn amp and plays a power chord from his Les Paul. The Dragon AND the Princess then loses control of his bowels from how low fidelity and loud the guitar is and shits himself, then he slowly walks away into the fog.




There... might put this on myspace aswell... damn that was an effort... don't want it to goto waste.
 
"How do you sink a norwegian sub?"
- "You knock."
"NO WAIT I KNOW A BETTER JOKE LOL HOW DO U SINK A SUB LOL U SHOOT IT ROFFL!!"
 
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