Metal

[Chromatose]

sludge?????????




BORIS!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111oneoneonetwo

 

[MajestikMøøse]

Boris rocks my hairy anus

 

[En Vind Av Sorg]

Boris is awesome. So is Earth, Sunn, Khnate, etc. Just mention Steven O/malley and youve got my attention.

 

[MajestikMøøse]

Thorr's Hammer Omglol

 

[En Vind Av Sorg]

Thorr's Hammer > Thors Hammer. To bad they have so little material.

 

[MajestikMøøse]

Runhild Gammelsæter >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> any other metal female

 

[Lordlucid]

Quite a few people wrote to me and expressed their disappointment that I didn’t tackle any of the bazillion arbitrary subgenres of electronic music. It’s not as if I didn’t think of electronic music immediately when I sat down to ponder ridiculous subgenres, because it’s the obvious thing that comes to mind. Unfortunately, complaints about the abundance of electronic subgenres are, as far as music humor goes, pretty goddamned hackneyed at this point; they’re the music snob equivalent of Viagra jokes. Picking on electronic music for its nerdy over-categorization might seem a little unfair, considering the comparably ridiculous number of rock subgenres. Then again, a reasonable person might easily confuse techstep with nu skool breaks, whereas nobody in their right mind would mistake emo for hair metal. Genre distinctions in rock generally follow from some major difference in the music’s characteristics; if it followed the same rules for subgenre-creation that electronic music did, people would be saying “check this out, I’ve invented ‘backwoods prison rock.’ It’s like ‘prison rock’ but with a harmonica.” Plus, rock has the mitigating factor of being real music, whereas the world of electronic music is totally lacking in soul, talent and artistic relevance. Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to go ahead and paint in absurdly broad strokes just because I can. Now let me open up my e-mail client and watch some geeks flip their scruffy lids; if anyone is wound tightly enough that tedious shit like Boards of Canada or M83 could actually stir excitement within them, I can’t wait to see what a tongue-in-cheek insult does to them.

All in all, I got about 250 e-mails from people who had something to say about my genre-slating. Lord knows I didn’t even attempt to read them all, because acknowledging people’s requests would mean having to write even more. In the interest of fairness, I figure I should just pick a few e-mails randomly and respond to them with my charming and irrepressible wit, thus making the senders feel like they’ve won some sort of Dave-lottery. That way, everyone’s happy: I’m happy because I don’t have to respond to hundreds of letters, the writers of the letters I choose to respond to are happy because they get to air their questions publicly, and the people I don’t respond to… well, I guess they’re not happy, but two out of three isn’t bad. Okay, first of all, here’s a message from someone calling himself “Omega Mac.”


You forgot some:

Metal
Black metal
Death metal
Brutal death metal
Hair metal
80's hair metal
Fantsy metal
Fantsy death metal
Metalcore
Grind
Light metal
Heaby metal
Rap metal
Rap-black-metal
Rap-death-black nu-metalcore
Pop-punk
Nu-metal
Goth metal
Nu-goth-metal
Whatever the fuck the cure is. thank you for your time, unless you didn't read this then fuck you.
Jesus H. Christ, I should not have randomly picked that letter. This is going to suck. Okay, Omega Mac, you got lucky. Let me try to give you some definitions:
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.

Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.

Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”

[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.

Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read shitty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.

Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.

Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.

Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.

Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”

Heaby Metal: What the fuck does “heaby” mean? Is this heavy metal for guys with sinus problems?

Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.

Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?

Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?

Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.

Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.

Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).

Whatever The Fuck The Cure Is: I already did post-punk, but I guess later The Cure turned into sort of a warbling sad-sack goth-pop band. So, uh, am I telling you about warbling sad-sack goth-pop? It’s sort of like what the Cure does.

thank you somethingawful.com