True Black Metal?

Wound

Wound

Member
May 9, 2002
380
0
16
Visit site
my friend bought a Satricon cd and he said in the book they said something about how they are sick of all these fake black metal bands or something like that...

do you think they mean bands like CoB, in flames, dark tranquillity, throne of chaos, and so on?? or is that directed towards someone else

-wound
 
possibly, but those bands dont claim to be black metal, nor do they sound anything like black metal...bands like Dimmu do, so they prolly mean shit false black metal like Dimmu, and Cradle. I like Satyricon, although I dont really care for the new album.
 
hehe... fake black metal...

in my eyes a band either plays black metal or not... there isn't anything like fake black metal

hm... and here something for all those true black metallers...
:D

1. Don´t be gay.
2. Be true.
3. All people who aren´t true are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don´t have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of the true Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don´t play with fuzzy things, excepting that by play you mean burn.
14. Don´t be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase Kenny G slams, man.
16. Don´t be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you´re too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes ´cult´.
22. When in doubt, say True Norwiegian Black Metal!
23. If that doesn´t work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even true blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don´t be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don´t wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don´t make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don´t make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don´t eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn´t hurt to listen to, it can´t be true.
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are session members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn´t have your cult LP won´t get it.
39. Never play live.
 
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both necro and grim.)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man, in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the mainstream infecting the scene.
44. Reform with old members and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn´t be true.
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member´s side projects as session musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then use the word Satan over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say friggin.
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word Hail is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone true
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try Infernal Hails.
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition.
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you´re offered...then pretend that you really don´t enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord´s greasy dick at any time
 
64. Use the phrase suck the dark lord´s greasy dick whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it´s the middle of the f**k day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle´s house is not pimping it (unless you tell her you´re done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn´t the word Northern in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you´re from, pretend you´re from Norway and therefore ´true´.
73. Don´t be Dani Filth. (I think that´s clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as Crucifier. Any pets you own in the future will also be known as Crucifier.
75. True black metaller: Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!
76. f**k, I´m talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That´s better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also clouded frost spire)
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway´s ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
3. Don´t make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don´t make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal´s Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism.
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won´t stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
 
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it´s rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-f**k shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven´t even heard.
96. Use the phrase cult-as-f**k whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word f**k during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla´s work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more cult, be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I´ll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could´ve have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
 
Satyricon, by their own definated standards, are nowadays a false BM band too. They signed to a major label.
Statements like that are directed to bands like Dimmu borgir, Cradle of filth, Immortal etc. Black metal in general doesn't care about bands like Children of bodom or in flames.
 
commercial metal is'nt good metal. Cradle's last album suck cuz they just left the're ancien style.They're first track fuckin' kick ass cuz they was just 6 muthafucker. Now they're kindda people who suck trying make music. They're ar'ent good anymore. (my opinion)

I just take cradle fo exemple but they're a lotta band wich are fuckin' cool but just, by the time, just stop to wanna kill, stop they're ancien sound, and become a stack of shit makin' poor music.

And the're the otha band wicht come better and better trought the time and all next album kick ass. The kindda band u can fuck waiting the next track :D COB are some :D
 
I've not read all the other responses, so apologies in advance if I step on toes or repeat what's already been said.

Now, true black metal generally refers to the "inner circle" of Scandinavian black metal from the early '90s (Emperor, Mayhem, Darkthrone, Satyricon & maybe Immortal). Nowadays true black metal generally means no synthesizers, no lavish production, just cold, grim, raw black metal like it was 10 years ago. It's really that simple.

What Satyricon was most likely referring to was the wave of symphonic black metal that began w/ Cradle of Filth & Dimmu Borgir (even the most obstinate person on Earth will admit that their early stuff is pretty blackish metal). Those bands are no longer Black Metal, and it's got nothing to do with silly labels or opinions. Their music is just not black metal, end of story.

I don't care if you like CoF or Dimmu personally (they're not really my cup of tea - Dimmu is better IMO), but the whole true/not true thing is silly to me anyway. I just like music that sounds good to me.
 
black metal supposed to be an underground thing, with all the fuck that go with. That why CoB dont claim they'reself a true black-metal band.

A real hard-black-metal is the kindda thing to beginning of the 90' product, with no keyboard, mix or stuff like this. Only blood and fuck.

I dont personnaly like this kindda hard black metal anyway, cuz they're most of the time a meaningless crash that try to make you nightmare..

melodic and lil bit hard metal would be most the common thing the norvegian metal product, an all the rellated band that go with. I personnaly prefer this kind of music i like :D
 
Originally posted by Nocturnal Emperor
people usually dislike cradle and dimmu cause they succeded a little more than most black metal groups
Click to expand...

I could care less if they succeed. I want *all* metal to succeed. I grew up during the 80s when metal was a success. When Iron Maiden sold out 7 straight shows at Radio City Music Hall, k?

I dislike CoF & Dimmu because they suck. End of story.
 
How many metal genres has these "false" and "true" things? I've seen them while BM is mentioned. Well, I don't care this kind of system, it's ridiculous.

Though I'm not so much into black metal, I don't hate/dislike it. I am still getting familiar with it. :)
 
black metal supposed to be an underground thing, with all the fuck that go with. That why CoB dont claim they'reself a true black-metal band.
Click to expand...

EVEN if they did claim to be black metal (which they dont) Their music sounds NOTHING BLACK METAL MUSIC, hence theya re not blackmetal. Last time I checked, CoB didnt have crazy fast blastbeats, tremelo picking, not to mention CoB doesnt even have remotely similar lyrical content.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

S
  • Locked
If Cradle of Filth is not True BM....
Replies
1
Views
339
General Metal Discussion
Erik
E
E
  • Poll
Are You For or Against Clean Vox in Death/Black Metal?
Replies
21
Views
748
General Metal Discussion
The Killer Of Your Mom
T
G
pickups
Replies
6
Views
707
Children Of Bodom
RockBodom
R
I
Any drummers in ottawa?
Replies
0
Views
688
Children Of Bodom
Iggs
I
Welly
The Must-Hear thread
Replies
41
Views
1K
Children Of Bodom
†_Aragorth_†
†
Top Bottom
Back