I knew you did.
Not a bad show, but we still wonder whether we shoulda done it!
Okay. So... some guys we know were wanting to do a party, so this is their first time hosting a party of this size. Maybe the word "UNPREPARED" might be a bit harsh. Maybe more like "unprofessional" would work, seeing as how this isn't what they do for a living, and they just wanted to be able to host a party and not go broke doing it. So... A for effort, C- for execution, A+ for fun, D for technical detail.
First bitching:
There was NO STAGE! It was the ground raised a single step's height! WOOO! Jeremy's drumset fit on it, and DATZIT! We crammed the guitar and bass rigs on there and filled up what little space was left. It was completely futile for me to bring the big ol' drum riser, cuz that woulda put most of the drummers' kits into the ceiling. I really wish I coulda scoped out the building before we even started selling tickets. But hey. So the bands ended up just performing on the ground, and the drummers used up the stage.
Second bitching:
Nobody had any decent equipment! The mixing board they were using for the sound was ancient, and the monitor output was shot! Their PA speakers were huge enormous clumsy pieces of junk! The DJ in the front room rented a subwoofer and power amp for $300 and it didn't come with the correct cable to hook it up! SERIOUSLY! There's this fancypants connector called a Neutrik Speakon jack, that's designed for high-power high-wattage applications. And a 1200watt power amp pretty much means high power. But that was the only available connection on the power amp, AND the subwoofer cabinet! I know for a FACT that nobody in my band has that kinda cable, and nobody else was using equipment that sophisticated, so the DJ wasted his money. He better BITCH OUT the rental company, and get his money back. We knew this gig was gonna be the redneck white trash equivalent of a concert, so we brought ALL our backup gear. Cables, connectors, adapters, extra power cables and outlet strips, speaker cables, our own PA equipment, our lead guitarist's PA equipment, extra speaker cabinets, EVERYTHING we still had room to bring. And we really needed it. We ended up using our lead guitarist's PA system for the DJ, and our monitors for the vocals on the 'stage'. Their mixing board couldn't even handle all the mics we were using. We ended up using two vocal mics, a bass drum mic for the later bands, and the monitors didn't even help. Everybody else was running with whatever equipment they brought. So guitars sounded shitty cuz you couldn't get them dispersed well enough for the whole room. Guitar cabinets are very very directional. They only sound good when you stand right in front of it. So my brother couldn't hear my lead guitarist, and vice versa. And the crowd had to move from one side to the other for all the guitar soloing! Damn! That was a sucky feeling watching them all do that! But they still seemed to enjoy it.
Third bitching:
STRESS AND HEAT! This building was fuckin hot. How hot? Satan's Sauna hot! Smoky and congested and claustrophobic and sweating out balls off in there! Now picture if you will... I'm running around the whole day trying to get our equipment figured out, what the hell we gonna do with a giant steel drum riser that we can't use now, trying to get our PA set up for the DJ to use, realise we're missing a cable, I'm running back and forth like a cartoon character, I'm already tired before we get ready to perform, I'm not even in costume yet, my hands are SHAKING so bad people 20 feet away noticed it as I was putting on my freakin costume, I had to sit down and STOP..... to just catch my breath and remember what the hell I was at this party for in the first place, my brother's freaking cuz we're not even ready to start playing, my bass rig decided to stop working cuz I put two cables backwards but still nearly gave me a heart attack, my bass had THREE strings out of tune when we started and I couldn't even tell cuz the room's acoustics SUCKED and I couldn't hear myself, couldn't hear my own voice when I was singing, and after three songs, I had to take my glasses off cuz the sweat was pouring onto them and fogging them up like I just came in from outside in winter! I couldn't even read the setlist to know what we were playing next! I played like shit, but I couldn't let anyone know that. Then again, I'm sure they could tell anyways... My drummer was a sloppy wet sponge of a bastard by the time we were done. My lead guitarist soaked through two layers of cloth, and that was after the first two songs. Hottest environment EVER.
Fourth bitching:
My tree fell over! Yeah! As if I wasn't stressing out by 4pm in the afternoon trying to haul shit upstairs and into my truck, the wind we had all day blew my back yard's tree over, and CRUSHED my fence! I had to stop and chainsaw my way through that tree, and get the trunk cut up to take the weight off the fence in amazing futile distress. MY BACK HATED ME FOR THAT. Fuckin tree. Grow lighter! So after the tree, my lower back was FUCKED for the rest of the day and night. I was seriously hurting before I played. Shoulda popped some drugs or something to kill the pain. Fuckin A.
Okay. Bitching over.
Now the good details.
Bitches EVERYWHERE flaunting what they got. I've never seen that much skin outside of a strip club. Gawd daym. Whoah momma. This chick came in nothing but lingerie! And her ass didn't even have anything over it! ANYTHING! No thong, no g-string, nuthin! She was poppin boners left and right wherever she walked! How she didn't get mauled and raped by the end of the night is beyond me!
Well... that crowd has never seen a Headbanging Jedi. But I assure you... I showed em one. Hell... my jedi outfit didn't even last through half the set, and I had to tear pieces off just to keep playing! But whatever shitty mood I was in, I completely bled it out and sweat it out in pure fowking metal! I thrashed myself. It was obliteration for my back, yeah, but I couldn't tell. That crowd was BA DA DA DA DAAAH loving it. I just did it up like it should be done. After we played the first MetallicA song in between our own songs, the crowd really started to dig it. And by the end, they were all screaming for my lead guitarist to play some Guns N Roses cuz he was noodling Sweet Child Of Mine between songs! The chicks loved it! We almost busted into it anyways. My brother's got this setting on his gear that makes his guitar sound like a pipe organ. EVIL! I said, "Mr. Phantom of the Opera, if you'd please!" and he goes into one of those typical church organ horror movie songs, and the crowd couldn't believe it! Hilarious! The guys from another local band that came to see us fuckin fell to the ground cuz they never heard a guitarist do that! Great stuff. And we went straight into one of Ozzy's greatest songs, which happens to start off with a pipe organ! Fancy that! How could they not see that coming?!?! Good stuff. We finished up, and the house was ready to party. They loved it. Woulda kept going, but other bands were ready to play too, so we played fair and got done. All the other bands loved it, and we had a great time by the end. Waski, the singer of the next band, had been a guy we wanted to recruit as a singer. And I shit you not, my brother tells him after they got done:
"Hey man, that was a great show! Your voice is so much better than I last heard! I'm impressed!"
"No way, dude! You guys were the real talent of the night! You guys tore up the crowd! You gotta hurry up and get ready for some real gigs and come play with us! We'll set up a great show for you!"
A little bit unexpected, yet completely welcomed.
So we had tons of compliments the rest of the night.
And tons of people bitching about the two white boyz rapping after us. Ugh. Those two assclowns were supposed to be the first act, and they didn't show up! Then we set up and played first, they showed up late, bitched and whined, and STILL got to play. We told the guys who organized it all, that we weren't gonna stand for that. Well... they were 'friends' of theirs, so they let em play. Doesn't matter, cuz justice is dealt where it should be dealt: they lost their background music CD! HAAAAHAHAHAH!!! Someone hated them so much, they stole their CD after they were done! "Oh yo, man, that ain't cool! That's our beats, yo! We can't lose dat!" FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORE MOTHER! You shouldn't be LATE, bitch! I love sweet justice. So fuckin tasty. The whole crowd moved from the 'stage' to the DJ room cuz they couldn't stand these two dipshits. HAH! I guess they won't be rapping anywhere anytime soon! I don't even think they stayed for the rest of the party. They just got humiliated, and prolly left. I never saw em again.
So we tore down our gear, I finally fixed my costume back up, busted out my lightsaber, and opened beers. AAAAaahh..... cold beer in a superhot room. Salvation, folks.
The rest of the night was just too much fun. My brother ran the "Hottest Costume" contest for all the pretty ladies who like to flaunt it. Holy crap! He was hilarious! He better do this more often! It came down to a Playboy Bunny and a French Maid. HOT. Folks... I dunno about you, but I'd risk prison time for that French Maid. Even though she was prolly, like, 12 or something. Damn youngins.... but what was scary, was during the second band's show! The French Maid was walking around, obviously DRUUUNK, cuz she was staring at my brother (HAHA!) and walking straight towards him. A mini-mosh pit was kinda going on, kinda weak and wimpy. BUT.... heh heh... one guy smashes another guy. This other guy goes flying into the French Maid, and she SLAMS into one of the bigass round tables! She took it in the ribs underneath her armpit. My brother and my lead guitarist froze in shock, and couldn't believe it when she stood up and said "WHOOOOO!!!" and kept on rockin! Holy shit! TROOPER!!! She could take a bullet, a sword, AND a football tackle!!! I know I'd be crying like a bitch if my old ass ate that table like that. My lead guitarist told me yesterday, "Yeah, hung over and bruised ribs, she's prolly HATING life right now..." Heh heh heh.
A couple wimpy near-fights, a really agressive guy challenging one of the security guys (who happened to bounce at a bar we used to go to all the time) and a guy puking on himself, and the night came to a close without major incident. A couple of guys obviously cheating on their girlfriends, from what I could tell by the crying in one hallway. Happens every party, girls! Sorry, ain't the first time I seen it, won't be the last time, either! Dump that loser and come to poppa! I don't cheat!
We finally got the drumset loaded back in, and get this.... I got a massage from Wolfman! Hellz yeah! Wolfman Al was a certified physical therapist! He busted out his folding table from the trunk, sets up, and fixes my back for me! Hella cool! Wicked awesome! I got his business card, that's for damn sure. Really helped. I could bear the rest of the night of hauling equipment now. More salvation! WOO HOO!
Cleared out the rest of the equipment, helped out a little more, said our goodbyes, Stack it Pack it Rack it Lock it haul ass outta there! Crashed, didn't wake up until PM Sunday afternoon. My entire body hated me yesterday. HATED me. I still wonder if it was worth all the stress and torture and unnecessary exercise, but hey! A couple people liked it, so I'm happy. A show is a show is a show! I can at least say we set the lowest bar possible for the Shittiest Gig story, cuz this was a shitty gig! But we still did it, and enjoyed ourselves. And that's what counts.
Shoulda kidnapped that French Maid while she was still drunk...
-Bryan
Not a bad show, but we still wonder whether we shoulda done it!
Okay. So... some guys we know were wanting to do a party, so this is their first time hosting a party of this size. Maybe the word "UNPREPARED" might be a bit harsh. Maybe more like "unprofessional" would work, seeing as how this isn't what they do for a living, and they just wanted to be able to host a party and not go broke doing it. So... A for effort, C- for execution, A+ for fun, D for technical detail.
First bitching:
There was NO STAGE! It was the ground raised a single step's height! WOOO! Jeremy's drumset fit on it, and DATZIT! We crammed the guitar and bass rigs on there and filled up what little space was left. It was completely futile for me to bring the big ol' drum riser, cuz that woulda put most of the drummers' kits into the ceiling. I really wish I coulda scoped out the building before we even started selling tickets. But hey. So the bands ended up just performing on the ground, and the drummers used up the stage.
Second bitching:
Nobody had any decent equipment! The mixing board they were using for the sound was ancient, and the monitor output was shot! Their PA speakers were huge enormous clumsy pieces of junk! The DJ in the front room rented a subwoofer and power amp for $300 and it didn't come with the correct cable to hook it up! SERIOUSLY! There's this fancypants connector called a Neutrik Speakon jack, that's designed for high-power high-wattage applications. And a 1200watt power amp pretty much means high power. But that was the only available connection on the power amp, AND the subwoofer cabinet! I know for a FACT that nobody in my band has that kinda cable, and nobody else was using equipment that sophisticated, so the DJ wasted his money. He better BITCH OUT the rental company, and get his money back. We knew this gig was gonna be the redneck white trash equivalent of a concert, so we brought ALL our backup gear. Cables, connectors, adapters, extra power cables and outlet strips, speaker cables, our own PA equipment, our lead guitarist's PA equipment, extra speaker cabinets, EVERYTHING we still had room to bring. And we really needed it. We ended up using our lead guitarist's PA system for the DJ, and our monitors for the vocals on the 'stage'. Their mixing board couldn't even handle all the mics we were using. We ended up using two vocal mics, a bass drum mic for the later bands, and the monitors didn't even help. Everybody else was running with whatever equipment they brought. So guitars sounded shitty cuz you couldn't get them dispersed well enough for the whole room. Guitar cabinets are very very directional. They only sound good when you stand right in front of it. So my brother couldn't hear my lead guitarist, and vice versa. And the crowd had to move from one side to the other for all the guitar soloing! Damn! That was a sucky feeling watching them all do that! But they still seemed to enjoy it.
Third bitching:
STRESS AND HEAT! This building was fuckin hot. How hot? Satan's Sauna hot! Smoky and congested and claustrophobic and sweating out balls off in there! Now picture if you will... I'm running around the whole day trying to get our equipment figured out, what the hell we gonna do with a giant steel drum riser that we can't use now, trying to get our PA set up for the DJ to use, realise we're missing a cable, I'm running back and forth like a cartoon character, I'm already tired before we get ready to perform, I'm not even in costume yet, my hands are SHAKING so bad people 20 feet away noticed it as I was putting on my freakin costume, I had to sit down and STOP..... to just catch my breath and remember what the hell I was at this party for in the first place, my brother's freaking cuz we're not even ready to start playing, my bass rig decided to stop working cuz I put two cables backwards but still nearly gave me a heart attack, my bass had THREE strings out of tune when we started and I couldn't even tell cuz the room's acoustics SUCKED and I couldn't hear myself, couldn't hear my own voice when I was singing, and after three songs, I had to take my glasses off cuz the sweat was pouring onto them and fogging them up like I just came in from outside in winter! I couldn't even read the setlist to know what we were playing next! I played like shit, but I couldn't let anyone know that. Then again, I'm sure they could tell anyways... My drummer was a sloppy wet sponge of a bastard by the time we were done. My lead guitarist soaked through two layers of cloth, and that was after the first two songs. Hottest environment EVER.
Fourth bitching:
My tree fell over! Yeah! As if I wasn't stressing out by 4pm in the afternoon trying to haul shit upstairs and into my truck, the wind we had all day blew my back yard's tree over, and CRUSHED my fence! I had to stop and chainsaw my way through that tree, and get the trunk cut up to take the weight off the fence in amazing futile distress. MY BACK HATED ME FOR THAT. Fuckin tree. Grow lighter! So after the tree, my lower back was FUCKED for the rest of the day and night. I was seriously hurting before I played. Shoulda popped some drugs or something to kill the pain. Fuckin A.
Okay. Bitching over.
Now the good details.
Bitches EVERYWHERE flaunting what they got. I've never seen that much skin outside of a strip club. Gawd daym. Whoah momma. This chick came in nothing but lingerie! And her ass didn't even have anything over it! ANYTHING! No thong, no g-string, nuthin! She was poppin boners left and right wherever she walked! How she didn't get mauled and raped by the end of the night is beyond me!
Well... that crowd has never seen a Headbanging Jedi. But I assure you... I showed em one. Hell... my jedi outfit didn't even last through half the set, and I had to tear pieces off just to keep playing! But whatever shitty mood I was in, I completely bled it out and sweat it out in pure fowking metal! I thrashed myself. It was obliteration for my back, yeah, but I couldn't tell. That crowd was BA DA DA DA DAAAH loving it. I just did it up like it should be done. After we played the first MetallicA song in between our own songs, the crowd really started to dig it. And by the end, they were all screaming for my lead guitarist to play some Guns N Roses cuz he was noodling Sweet Child Of Mine between songs! The chicks loved it! We almost busted into it anyways. My brother's got this setting on his gear that makes his guitar sound like a pipe organ. EVIL! I said, "Mr. Phantom of the Opera, if you'd please!" and he goes into one of those typical church organ horror movie songs, and the crowd couldn't believe it! Hilarious! The guys from another local band that came to see us fuckin fell to the ground cuz they never heard a guitarist do that! Great stuff. And we went straight into one of Ozzy's greatest songs, which happens to start off with a pipe organ! Fancy that! How could they not see that coming?!?! Good stuff. We finished up, and the house was ready to party. They loved it. Woulda kept going, but other bands were ready to play too, so we played fair and got done. All the other bands loved it, and we had a great time by the end. Waski, the singer of the next band, had been a guy we wanted to recruit as a singer. And I shit you not, my brother tells him after they got done:
"Hey man, that was a great show! Your voice is so much better than I last heard! I'm impressed!"
"No way, dude! You guys were the real talent of the night! You guys tore up the crowd! You gotta hurry up and get ready for some real gigs and come play with us! We'll set up a great show for you!"
A little bit unexpected, yet completely welcomed.
So we had tons of compliments the rest of the night.
And tons of people bitching about the two white boyz rapping after us. Ugh. Those two assclowns were supposed to be the first act, and they didn't show up! Then we set up and played first, they showed up late, bitched and whined, and STILL got to play. We told the guys who organized it all, that we weren't gonna stand for that. Well... they were 'friends' of theirs, so they let em play. Doesn't matter, cuz justice is dealt where it should be dealt: they lost their background music CD! HAAAAHAHAHAH!!! Someone hated them so much, they stole their CD after they were done! "Oh yo, man, that ain't cool! That's our beats, yo! We can't lose dat!" FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORE MOTHER! You shouldn't be LATE, bitch! I love sweet justice. So fuckin tasty. The whole crowd moved from the 'stage' to the DJ room cuz they couldn't stand these two dipshits. HAH! I guess they won't be rapping anywhere anytime soon! I don't even think they stayed for the rest of the party. They just got humiliated, and prolly left. I never saw em again.
So we tore down our gear, I finally fixed my costume back up, busted out my lightsaber, and opened beers. AAAAaahh..... cold beer in a superhot room. Salvation, folks.
The rest of the night was just too much fun. My brother ran the "Hottest Costume" contest for all the pretty ladies who like to flaunt it. Holy crap! He was hilarious! He better do this more often! It came down to a Playboy Bunny and a French Maid. HOT. Folks... I dunno about you, but I'd risk prison time for that French Maid. Even though she was prolly, like, 12 or something. Damn youngins.... but what was scary, was during the second band's show! The French Maid was walking around, obviously DRUUUNK, cuz she was staring at my brother (HAHA!) and walking straight towards him. A mini-mosh pit was kinda going on, kinda weak and wimpy. BUT.... heh heh... one guy smashes another guy. This other guy goes flying into the French Maid, and she SLAMS into one of the bigass round tables! She took it in the ribs underneath her armpit. My brother and my lead guitarist froze in shock, and couldn't believe it when she stood up and said "WHOOOOO!!!" and kept on rockin! Holy shit! TROOPER!!! She could take a bullet, a sword, AND a football tackle!!! I know I'd be crying like a bitch if my old ass ate that table like that. My lead guitarist told me yesterday, "Yeah, hung over and bruised ribs, she's prolly HATING life right now..." Heh heh heh.
A couple wimpy near-fights, a really agressive guy challenging one of the security guys (who happened to bounce at a bar we used to go to all the time) and a guy puking on himself, and the night came to a close without major incident. A couple of guys obviously cheating on their girlfriends, from what I could tell by the crying in one hallway. Happens every party, girls! Sorry, ain't the first time I seen it, won't be the last time, either! Dump that loser and come to poppa! I don't cheat!
We finally got the drumset loaded back in, and get this.... I got a massage from Wolfman! Hellz yeah! Wolfman Al was a certified physical therapist! He busted out his folding table from the trunk, sets up, and fixes my back for me! Hella cool! Wicked awesome! I got his business card, that's for damn sure. Really helped. I could bear the rest of the night of hauling equipment now. More salvation! WOO HOO!
Cleared out the rest of the equipment, helped out a little more, said our goodbyes, Stack it Pack it Rack it Lock it haul ass outta there! Crashed, didn't wake up until PM Sunday afternoon. My entire body hated me yesterday. HATED me. I still wonder if it was worth all the stress and torture and unnecessary exercise, but hey! A couple people liked it, so I'm happy. A show is a show is a show! I can at least say we set the lowest bar possible for the Shittiest Gig story, cuz this was a shitty gig! But we still did it, and enjoyed ourselves. And that's what counts.
Shoulda kidnapped that French Maid while she was still drunk...
-Bryan
