101 Rules of Prog MEtal

[proulxski]

Haha I saw this over on the DT forums, I found it ratehr hilarious, hope you guys share the same feeling lol...

The 101 Rules of Progressive Metal


1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don’t necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don`t understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don`t need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don`t know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you`ve got it now, haven`t you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don`t kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993`s "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

 

[L. Knight]

So so true
This forum needed a "Don't be a jackass" set of rules before posting.

Nevertheless, rule 58 is universally true, hence my new signature...

 

[The Metal Chick]

That's some funny shit. Considering how many rips on DT there are in there, it's interesting it was on their forum.

I stand by number 23.

 

[_Gentleman of_the Snow_]

People who make fun of DT are pretty ignorant. They are amazing musicians who deserve a lot of credit... that's all I have to say.

 

[Horus]

I've been living by that list like its my law code for the past 6 months, and I didn't even know it.

 

[soundgarden]

Whats wrong with SDoIT??? I think the title track is really good.

 

[Horus]

I read through it entirely. I'm a loser, I've come to terms with that a long time ago, and the list was hilarious. The equipment rules were the best. By far. The band name rule was funny also.

 

[MC Pee pants]

seen it. actually I made it a word doc. the last time there was a thread about it. Now comes the 101 rules of black metal, and 50 ways to get a metalhead angry (it's called something like that).

 

[proulxski]

lol they rip up DT intentionally but they always comment them alot! This post wasn't meant to diss DT or insult their skill, its meant to make people laugh...I personally found it hilarious and alot of it is so so TRUE, anyhoot lol!

 

[Beelzebub]

it's on metalstorm.ee

 

[RequiemX]

Whats wrong with SDoIT??? I think the title track is really good.

It's not as good as Images and Words.

 

[Xymphony]

It's really funny stuff

 

[Kronikle66]

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence ruled.

... Guyz? Hay it was prety gud!

 

[rockyracoon]

someone please do one for power metal and death metal. and i purposely didnt use capitalization in fear of that being too prog...

 

[_Gentleman of_the Snow_]

lol they rip up DT intentionally but they always comment them alot! This post wasn't meant to diss DT or insult their skill, its meant to make people laugh...I personally found it hilarious and alot of it is so so TRUE, anyhoot lol!

Haha, Sean It is funny. I did read it a long time ago, though :Smug:

I just felt the need to stand up for DT.

Anyway, definitely a lot of true points in there, lol. I cut my hair

 

[Horus]

Sellout............ I shouldnt say that........... Unless you're a member of Metallica.

 

[Jaen]

here are the rules for power metal...

1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there&#8217;s a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there&#8217;s singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don&#8217;t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn&#8217;t mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. &#8216;Grim&#8217; and &#8216;necro&#8217; don&#8217;t apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you&#8217;re singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can&#8217;t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don&#8217;t be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn&#8217;t know, &#8220;symphonic&#8221; is synonymous with &#8220;epic.&#8221; See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done &#8220;epic,&#8221; there&#8217;s always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as &#8216;mighty&#8217; without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it&#8217;s not catchy, it&#8217;s harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don&#8217;t have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don&#8217;t need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It&#8217;s not a tour, it&#8217;s a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don&#8217;t worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don&#8217;t use words like &#8220;majesty,&#8221; &#8220;glorious,&#8221; &#8220;magical,&#8221; and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don&#8217;t be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don&#8217;t begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren&#8217;t metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. &#8220;Flagons of ale.&#8221; It&#8217;s appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like &#8220;dragons,&#8221; so you score extra points.
61. Since you can&#8217;t get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won&#8217;t realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don&#8217;t play black metal doesn&#8217;t mean you can&#8217;t use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can&#8217;t afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren&#8217;t epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren&#8217;t actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won&#8217;t be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da&#8230;
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a &#8220;rising force,&#8221; do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don&#8217;t get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they&#8217;re Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you&#8217;ve bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.

and here is the epic sequel...

1. Denim and leather went out with Saxon. Silk and steel is the new thing.
2. If you do mix genres, power metal is still the dominant type. (e.g. blackened power metal) This is largely because power metal is infinitely more epic than the others styles, but also because &#8220;empowered&#8221; death metal just sounds stupid.
3. Not everyone in the world is fortunate enough to have a couch to slay. Sing a mighty hymn of remembrance for these brave souls before you leap into battle with your furniture.
4. Even if you don&#8217;t know anything about international politics, you can still write stories about the international relations of magical kingdoms.
5. By &#8220;international relations,&#8221; I mean &#8220;war.&#8221; Nobody wants majestic steel anthems about trade embargoes.
6. When giving interviews, be sure to mention that your musical influences include Thor.
7. Openly religious themes are generally a bad idea. Writing extremely vague songs about &#8216;destiny,&#8217; &#8216;fate,&#8217; &#8216;time,&#8217; and other such metaphysics is a much better way to go.
8. Re-release your entire catalogue with a new bonus track in Japan. Then make everyone else pay three times as much for an album they already have for the one B-side and the cover of a Helloween song.
9. If you covered a Helloween song from &#8220;Pink Bubbles Go Ape&#8221; or &#8220;Chameleon,&#8221; please do the world a favor and die.
10. Fireworks are epic. Be sure to refer to them as &#8220;Dragon&#8217;s Breath&#8221; or &#8220;The Great Flame of Dirty Laundry Smiting.&#8221;
11. A note on fireworks: don&#8217;t get yourself set on fire like James Hetfield. True metal warriors can play with fire without getting burned.
12. Include as many vowels in your name as possible. Ideally, it will be the same name as the magical kingdom you sing about.
13. Gettysburg was not a magical kingdom. Shame on you, Jon Schaffer!
14. Naming your band Spinefarm, Nuclear Blast, or Steamhammer will not get you a contract. It will, however, get you plenty of internet traffic.
15. And a cease and desist letter.
16. Or a copyright infringement lawsuit.
17. They would make great album titles or stage names. &#8220;On bass, the legendary thundering giant of mighty low-end music, Steamhammer!&#8221;
18. Promo photos come in two types: standing around in T-shirts looking sullen, or basking in the glorious light of the universe holding swords up high, dressed in robes fit for a king.
19. Music videos should be shot in the snow.
20. You should also be shot in the snow for making such crappy music videos.
21. If this proves problematic, just record the band playing the song in a warehouse, forest, or room full of water.
22. Why do you play? For the king, for the land, for the mountains, for the green valleys where dragons fly, for the glory, the power to win over the dark lord!
23. Not to mention the right to write an album based on a crappy 80&#8217;s fantasy movie. Why isn&#8217;t &#8220;Willow&#8221; a five disc series yet?
24. Sonata Arctica is not &#8220;ice metal.&#8221; Power metal is the mightiest descriptor that can be bestowed upon a band; there&#8217;s no need to thin the blood by making up a new subgenre.
25. ESP and Jackson will provide your guitars.
26. Gotcha! Like anybody&#8217;s actually going to sponsor you&#8230;
27. Never change. A sequel should be sonically identical to its predecessor.
28. Step one: loincloths.
29. Step two: mountains.
30. Step three: live like barbarians in the wilderness. Get in touch with nature, kill to eat, and let the power of the dragonflame burn in your heart!
31. If you actually DO feel the power of the dragonflame burning in your heart, I&#8217;d recommend Tums.
32. Narration is a great way to fill in those parts of your epic saga that are better expressed in prose than in song.
33. Hire a competent narrator, though&#8230; nobody has yet, except for Rhapsody finally wising up to hire Christopher Lee.
34. No, Christopher Lee will not work on your album, too. Level up a few times, and maybe then.
35. Iron Maiden is the father.
36. Dragonforce is the Son.
37. Tolkien is the Holy Ghost.
38. Trigger your drums, unless you are a man-sized Speedy Gonzalez. (I would make a joke about Speedy Gonzalez explaining why all the Brazilians are in power metal bands, but then I&#8217;d sound like an ethnocentric jerk. Remember, kids, true warriors come in all colors, sexes, and magical species.)
39. Play everything really fast because it's more epic. Dragonforce, therefore, is the most epic band possible.
40. Think of some epic sounding name for your genre like '+1 Extreme Operatic Dragonslaying Symphonic Melodic Epic Heavy Hollywood Power Metal of the Mighty War Gods of Finland.'
41. You are definitely not plain 'power metal.'
42. Hansi is God.
43. Singers aren&#8217;t allowed balls unless they are Hansi, because he is God.
44. You must sing; they don't have rap in Middle Earth and real elves don't growl.
45. Orcs, however, make excellent guest vocalists to fill in the growling niche.
46. Make sure you have Stratovarius, Helloween and Iron Maiden listed as your influences.
47. Listen to Nightfall in Middle Earth every day.
48. Watch your Lord of the Rings DVDs at least once a week.
49. If you watch all the extended editions back to back, you can consider yourself epic. And unemployed.
50. Read Lord of the Rings every month or two.
51. AND the Silmarillion.
52. For your English literature class, write your final thesis paper as a comparison between Tolkein and Blind Guardian&#8217;s interpretation of his works.
53. Make sure everyone thinks you are gay. Armor, loincloths, and face-paint (NOT corpse-paint) all add a lot to this. For the ideal model, find some pictures of Ronnie James Dio, the mightiest man in the history of metal.
54. You are definitely NOT gay.
55. Irrelevant to whether you're gay or not [which you aren't] you fancy Tuomas Holopanien AND Tarja Turunen.
56. Love songs are acceptable, but it has to be epic love which involve deaths and hopefully dragons and/or demons.
57. You cannot have songs about sex, that's just not epic.
58. Oceanborn was so much better than Once.
59. High pitched screams are allowed, but they are epic battlecries.
60. Don't ever make decent music videos.
61. All your fans want you to make decent music videos with battle scenes.
62. They will always be disappointed, although they will appreciate the gesture of including a forty-foot tall inflatable dragon to your stage props.
63. Frilly shirts ARE metal.
64. Though not as metal as chainmail.
65. You can't afford chainmail so use grey fabric mesh you bought from a fetish shop.
66. Your stage wardrobe should exude an attitude of &#8220;tonight we&#8217;re gonna party like it&#8217;s 1599.&#8221;
67. Draw no distinctions between your stage personality and your normal life. While carrying around your sword in public might draw an uncomfortable amount of attention, it will be great publicity for your new album, &#8220;Orgul Silverleaf, Orc Hunter: the Epic Quest, Volume XIII.&#8221;
68. Fast is mighty, so double kick pedals to exaggerate the speed of your music wouldn't go astray.
69. There is no speed limit in power metal. It's even mightier to start off slow and then kick it to overdrive!
70. Sit at your computer for hours on end drawing up lists of the rules of power metal. It&#8217;s a guaranteed chick magnet, even if you&#8217;re female.
71. Constantly buy new albums on Ebay. Imports and international CDs are better, because even though the bands all sound the same, a CD is simply more epic if it has one extra track.
72. You don&#8217;t have a fan club, you have an army.
73. No, seriously. They&#8217;ve all got swords, too.
74. The band that slays together, stays together. Unless you slay each other. But that&#8217;s OK, because Varg doesn&#8217;t play power metal.
75. Tastelessly interrupt your subdued ballad with an obnoxiously loud and completely unrestrained guitar solo. What would kill the song in other genres is necessary here to wake up metalheads who fell asleep while you were singing about stalking your ex-girlfriend with your +2 Camcorder of Invisibility.
76. Your album ought to max out the holding capacity of a CD. You haven&#8217;t given enough glory to your king unless you have composed a 78-minute epic in his honor.
77. If you find that you can&#8217;t compose almost eighty minutes of blistering solos and testicle-wrenching harmonies, then you can leave an inexplicable pause of nothing at the end of the CD.
78. For the king, for the land, for the mountains, for the green valleys where dragons fly, for the glory the power to win the dark lord, you will search for the emerald sword.
79. Never tour in the US.
80. Claim that you never tour the US because of passport problems, when we all really know that you just don&#8217;t want to be anywhere close to the nation that produced Garth Brooks.
81. Make sure that your band is, for the most part, really only one person who happens to have other people who play his music. Your models, as always, ought to be Luca Turilli and Timo Tolkki.
82. Don&#8217;t be Timo Tolkki.
83. Never produce decent merchandise. Your logo looks cool on albums, but your shirts all look like crap.
84. Women sing. They are not allowed to have any other roles in the band. This is rather unfortunate, as they are the only people in the band who would actually look GOOD with long hair.
85. If you run out of ideas around this point, rehash your first composition.
86. When attending a power metal concert, please check your sword at the door.
87. After enough beer, &#8220;Breakfast with Cthulhu&#8221; actually does sound like a good idea for a concept album.
88. &#220;ml&#228;uts improve your credibility. Do your best to be born in a country where they are a standard part of your alphabet.
89. Liner notes must either include original artwork, or photos of your guitarist looking like a jackass onstage.
90. Some bands are ambiguously power metal, and instead get categorized as &#8216;speed metal&#8217; or plain old &#8216;heavy metal.&#8217; While you may enjoy them, if they can&#8217;t be shameless and unabashed power metallers, then they may not join you on your camping trip.
91. And by &#8216;camping trip&#8217; I mean &#8220;running around in the woods with swords while singing your battlecries and hoping to find an elf.&#8221;
92. Think &#8220;family friendly.&#8221; Don&#8217;t swear, and please refrain from eating your bandmates. See rule #74.
93. Have an intro track. This means &#8220;one minute of keyboards that gradually get louder.&#8221;
94. Instrumental tracks should be limited to one per album. This is primarily because they do not advance your storyline very much, unless your Nordic warrior has to prove himself in a yodeling contest against the dark lord, in which case you really need to write a new story.
95. If you&#8217;re desperate for an extra B-side, cover an Iron Maiden song.
96. If you&#8217;re VERY desperate for an extra B-side, cover a Scorpions song.
97. Two-disc sets are epic. Unfortunately, it&#8217;s usually very difficult for both discs to be good.
98. If you have doubts about one of your friends being a true warrior, ask him to name every project that Alex Holzwarth has played for. If your friend cannot successfully name them all, begin your epic quest in search of all the discs to save your friend from being trapped in an evil dimension devoid of power metal.
99. If you mom walks in on you applying your facepaint while wearing a loin-cloth and a cape, I really can&#8217;t offer you any help, dude.
100. I still think I ran out of funny things to say back on the other list.
101. You should be proud of your mighty followup, particularly when it is also 101 rules long. Take great pride in the accomplishment, especially because this time there were guest artists involved.

BONUS RARE B-SIDE RULE ONLY AVAILABLE IN JAPAN!
102. Record your live album in Japan, because, honestly, where in the hell else are you actually going to be able to pull a good enough crowd for a live album?

 

[Horus]

BONUS RARE B-SIDE RULE ONLY AVAILABLE IN JAPAN!
102. Record your live album in Japan, because, honestly, where in the hell else are you actually going to be able to pull a good enough crowd for a live album?

Umm....... In Europe?

 

[Beelzebub]

Never saw the power metal lists, they're pretty decent.

 

[L. Knight]

A couple of laughs, but not as good as the Prog one. At least in that one you could tell the guy who made them loved the genre and at the same time not taking it too seriously. In this one, the guy is not as witty and makes fun of the genre with some disdain..