31 reasons Chuck Norris is better than you

MadeInNewJersey

MadeInNewJersey

nursing my wounds
Apr 15, 2002
17,334
3
38
The Ridge
www.discogs.com
1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the ! Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, t! o remind the ! crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There a! re two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatu! res Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse s! aid, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shi! t.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down
 
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
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I burst a blood vessel reading this one :lol: :lol:
 
:lol: x 3 squillion squidmarks

THat is the funniest shit I've read. Too many good ones to quote.

He can divide by zero. :lol:

"Crop Circles...", oh man, I'm laughing out loud. Fuck it, I'm getting a beer.
 
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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ROTFL.gif
 
Bill Brasky was probably the greatest SNL skit ever, at least outside of the 70's.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_brasky

* "Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son? He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, 'I'll baptize that piece of calamari!' Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, 'There! You're baptized!'"
* "Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!"
* "Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl. Well, Brasky shows up and you know he's a big fella. Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos — he loved me like I've never been loved before!"
* "You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam? Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"
* "I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie! Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!"
* "I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
* "His favorite movie is One on One with Robby Benson."
* "Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!"
* "To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!"

[edit]

3/16/1996

* "Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman's bikini around the office? Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I'll be damned if my sales hadn't tripled."
* "He'll eat a homeless person if you dare him."
* "One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. Yeah, that's them, that's them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag and says, 'I've got goodies for you kids.' He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says 'There is no Santa 'cause I ate him.'"
* "He sheds his skin once a year."
* "I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury."
* "Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren't any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn't you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I'm running in second place, and I'm running and I break my ankle! They’re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, 'God bless him, don't shoot him — he's a human.'"
* "You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle."
* "Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell."
* "His favorite TV movie is The Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta."

[edit]

2/22/1997

* "He had a four day heart attack! ...Yeah, a day for every chamber! ...When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese! ...They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach!
* "I remember one time Brasky took his family to Sea World... they were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed! So Brasky yells, 'I'm Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!' So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, 'How do you like it?!' And then damn if Brasky didn't step in there and finish the show!"
* "You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe."
* "He did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies."
* "He taught me how to love a woman - and how to scold a child."
* "He had dandruff the size of mice!"
* "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, Here we are!' Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found them!'"
* "He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin' up the road."
* "He had nine children, all of 'em boys!"
* "He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!"
* "Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky? Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin!'"
* "They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!"
* "He once breast-fed an injured flamingo back to health."
* "He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!"
* "His poop is considered currency in Argentina!"
* "He loved extension cords!"
* "He hated Mexicans! ...And he was half Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"
* "He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!"
* "He slept eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

[edit]

5/10/1997

* "So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra 'Beverly'. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid."
* "Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!"
* "It was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!“
* "He showers in grain alcohol!"
* "He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel!"
* "He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!"
* "He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!"
* "He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as 'Bear Bryant'!"
* "He once ate the Bible while water-skiing!"
* "He once had sex with a cigarette machine!"
* "Every kid on this field was fathered by Bill Brasky! Every one of 'em!"

[edit]

12/12/1998

* "He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka, and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi."
* "He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."
* "Brasky went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
* "Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives, except Fleagle!"
* "We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
* "Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!"
* "He has a toenail on the end of his penis!"
* "Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak... The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms!"
* "Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!"
* "Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll."
* "Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of The King and I? On opening night, Brasky chloroformed the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews."
* "He breast-feeds John Madden!"
* "Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that."
* "If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."
* "They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!"
* "Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!"
* "He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!"
* "All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos."
* "Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!"
* "Brasky taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, 'It would have happened sometime!'"
* "Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human! ...Like the guys in Terminator 2!"
* "Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films."
* "He thinks Iron Man is gay!"
* "He framed Roger Rabbit!"
* "Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady."
* "The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky, except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men!"
* "He gave a hand job to a manta ray!"
* "I masturbate to the Teletubbies!"(As spoken by Alec Baldwin)
 
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries Brasky and me! We spend the weekend in the Pocono's - he loves me like I've never been loved before!


fuckin lol
 
Thanatopsis123 said:
[thread]200704[/thread]
Click to expand...
Excellent, that's the list I was looking for. Here it 'tis for today:


If you don't know what my avatar is, you've missed the greatest SNL skit EVAR.

"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks then iron man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
 
TO BILL BRASKY!!!

right, i'm off to the pub. you fuckers better keep up the humoUr while i'm gone. :loco:
 
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