You might of seen this but i've just come across it...funny as.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
> >>but because he has run out of women.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
> >>the information he wants.
> >>
> >>If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
> >>seconds till."
> >>After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
> >>the face.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
>
> >>pleasure.
> >>
> >>Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
> >>deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
> >>
> >>There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
> >>
> >>It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
> >>pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
> >>more pirates to him.
> >>
> >>Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is
> >>actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the
> >>face that day.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
>anyway.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
> >>cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
> >>also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
> >>buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
> >>beverage.
> >>We know this beverage as Red Bull.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
> >>saying "booya".
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
> >>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
> >>
> >>If you can
>see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
> >>Norris
> >>you may be only seconds away from death.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
> >>If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost
> >>my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
> >>removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
> >>roundhouse kick.
> >>When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
> >>probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>
> >>and
> >>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
> >>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
> >>his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
> >>and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker
> >>every second Wednesday of the month.
> >>
> >>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
> >>
> >>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
> >>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
> >>different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
> >>for 30 minutes.
> >>Beat that,
> >>Lance
>Armstrong.
> >>
> >>When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
> >>for Chuck Norris.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
> >>JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
> >>his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
> >>amazement.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
> >>includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
> >>Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
> >>
> >>A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
> >>"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of
>his name
> >>cured this
> >>man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
> >>saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
> >>first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
> >>afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
> >>Norris
> >>
> >>Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
> >>the best way to
>kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
> >>the worst
> >>mistake anyone has ever made.
> >>
> >>A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
> >>handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
> >>belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
> >>there.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
> >>ancestry, the man ate a f&#$%^@ Indian.
> >>
> >>As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked
> >>away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth
> >>to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
> >>professional football history.
> >>
> >>If Chuck
>Norris is late, time better slow the f&%^ down
> >>
> >>Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
> >>stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
> >>Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
> >>gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
> >>neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
> >>Chuck, he taketh away.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
> >>
> >>Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the
> >>bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it
> >>would be the
>less
> >>painful way to die.
> >>
> >>There are no weapons of mass destruction, just Chuck Norris.
> >>When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed
> >>because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control
> >>pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line
> >>in order to impregnate a woman.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris shows no mercy, because in Chuck Norris' language the
> >>word "mercy" means "beardless".
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris has a ***** so big his wife had to have her jaw
> >>surgically unhinged. Tragically, when Chuck came, she drowned.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard in the
>face,
> >>they ceased
> >>to exist. This of course was never documented, because Chuck Norris
> >>then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone within the vicinity out
> >>of existence as well. He then later wrote a book about it, a book
> >>that we now refer to as "The Bible."
> >>
> >>There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
> >>the s*$% out of him for living in a place with such a stupid name.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris has only ever lost one fight. It was against Ghandi,
> >>lasted 72 days, and spanned 6 dimensions.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris knows what Meatloaf wouldn't do for love.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris built Rome in a
>day. Consequently, all roads lead to
> >>Chuck
> >>Norris too.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once broke a man's neck with his a$$-cheeks. He did
> >>this as part of a commercial for his new exercise equipment, The A$$
> >>Master-Blaster 5000.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris can put a quarter in his a$$ and then s^%$ out a dime
> >>and two nickels. There is a five cents charge.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party.
> >>Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people
> >>in his house, his mind involuntarily went into "defense/kill" mode.
> >>Chuck Norris lost many dear friends that day.
> >>
> >>In 2005, Chuck Norris forced Vatican clergy to rewrite the Bible to
>
> >>include
> >>all the benefits of working out with the Total Gym.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is
> >>positive, fist is negative.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris dies, the universe will implode. It's true, it has
> >>to be.
> >>
> >>In his spare time, Chuck Norris breeds thoroughbred horses by
> >>manually inseminating the females with his own *****.
> >>
> >>At a frat party Chuck Norris once drank a wine cooler. He
> >>immediatley threw up due to the extreme femininity of the drink.
> >>Another party goer quickly collected his vomit and sold it years
> >>later, we know this today as
>
> >>Jack
> >>Daniels.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris coined the phrase "mustache ride".
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris believes that it's not butter.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.
> >>
> >>An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nothing can keep Chuck Norris
> >>away
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which
> >>are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris plans to assassinate four other civil rights leaders
> >>just to get an entire week off in February.
> >>
> >>
> >>No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the
> >>same time. Coincidence?
> >>
> >>You give a man a
>fish, he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish,
> >>he eats
> >>for a lifetime. If you ever, ever try to teach Chuck Norris about
> >>fishing then he will use your testicles as bait.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris appeared in an uncredited role in the film Bambi. He
> >>was the hunter who killed Bambi's mom. He originally wanted to kill
> >>her with a roundhouse kick to the face, but the director changed it
> >>to a gunshot, and Chuck refused to have his name associated with the
> >>movie. Thus losing his best shot at an Oscar.
> >>
> >>Only Wonder Woman has a uterus capable of bearing Chuck Norris'
> >>children.
> >>
> >>David Blaine's last magic trick was attempting to survive a
> >>roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
>He has not been seen since.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half.
> >>The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
> >>
> >>Babies don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on
> >>their butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear
> >>of the fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.
> >>
> >>All the Delta Force movies are in fact Chuck Norris' real life home
> >>videos.
> >>
> >>The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back
> >>in '86 when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told
> >>they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant.
> >>They do
>now.
Made me giggle .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
> >>but because he has run out of women.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
> >>the information he wants.
> >>
> >>If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
> >>seconds till."
> >>After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
> >>the face.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
>
> >>pleasure.
> >>
> >>Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
> >>deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
> >>
> >>There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
> >>
> >>It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
> >>pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
> >>more pirates to him.
> >>
> >>Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is
> >>actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the
> >>face that day.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
>anyway.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
> >>cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
> >>also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
> >>buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
> >>beverage.
> >>We know this beverage as Red Bull.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
> >>saying "booya".
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
> >>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
> >>
> >>If you can
>see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
> >>Norris
> >>you may be only seconds away from death.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
> >>If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost
> >>my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
> >>removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
> >>roundhouse kick.
> >>When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
> >>probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>
> >>and
> >>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
> >>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
> >>his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
> >>and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker
> >>every second Wednesday of the month.
> >>
> >>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
> >>
> >>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
> >>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
> >>different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
> >>for 30 minutes.
> >>Beat that,
> >>Lance
>Armstrong.
> >>
> >>When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
> >>for Chuck Norris.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
> >>JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
> >>his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
> >>amazement.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
> >>includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
> >>Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
> >>
> >>A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
> >>"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of
>his name
> >>cured this
> >>man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
> >>saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
> >>first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
> >>afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
> >>Norris
> >>
> >>Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
> >>the best way to
>kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
> >>the worst
> >>mistake anyone has ever made.
> >>
> >>A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
> >>handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
> >>belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
> >>there.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
> >>ancestry, the man ate a f&#$%^@ Indian.
> >>
> >>As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked
> >>away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth
> >>to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
> >>professional football history.
> >>
> >>If Chuck
>Norris is late, time better slow the f&%^ down
> >>
> >>Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
> >>stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
> >>Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
> >>gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
> >>neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
> >>Chuck, he taketh away.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
> >>
> >>Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the
> >>bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it
> >>would be the
>less
> >>painful way to die.
> >>
> >>There are no weapons of mass destruction, just Chuck Norris.
> >>When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed
> >>because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control
> >>pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line
> >>in order to impregnate a woman.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris shows no mercy, because in Chuck Norris' language the
> >>word "mercy" means "beardless".
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris has a ***** so big his wife had to have her jaw
> >>surgically unhinged. Tragically, when Chuck came, she drowned.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard in the
>face,
> >>they ceased
> >>to exist. This of course was never documented, because Chuck Norris
> >>then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone within the vicinity out
> >>of existence as well. He then later wrote a book about it, a book
> >>that we now refer to as "The Bible."
> >>
> >>There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
> >>the s*$% out of him for living in a place with such a stupid name.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris has only ever lost one fight. It was against Ghandi,
> >>lasted 72 days, and spanned 6 dimensions.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris knows what Meatloaf wouldn't do for love.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris built Rome in a
>day. Consequently, all roads lead to
> >>Chuck
> >>Norris too.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once broke a man's neck with his a$$-cheeks. He did
> >>this as part of a commercial for his new exercise equipment, The A$$
> >>Master-Blaster 5000.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris can put a quarter in his a$$ and then s^%$ out a dime
> >>and two nickels. There is a five cents charge.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party.
> >>Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people
> >>in his house, his mind involuntarily went into "defense/kill" mode.
> >>Chuck Norris lost many dear friends that day.
> >>
> >>In 2005, Chuck Norris forced Vatican clergy to rewrite the Bible to
>
> >>include
> >>all the benefits of working out with the Total Gym.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is
> >>positive, fist is negative.
> >>
> >>When Chuck Norris dies, the universe will implode. It's true, it has
> >>to be.
> >>
> >>In his spare time, Chuck Norris breeds thoroughbred horses by
> >>manually inseminating the females with his own *****.
> >>
> >>At a frat party Chuck Norris once drank a wine cooler. He
> >>immediatley threw up due to the extreme femininity of the drink.
> >>Another party goer quickly collected his vomit and sold it years
> >>later, we know this today as
>
> >>Jack
> >>Daniels.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris coined the phrase "mustache ride".
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris believes that it's not butter.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.
> >>
> >>An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nothing can keep Chuck Norris
> >>away
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which
> >>are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris plans to assassinate four other civil rights leaders
> >>just to get an entire week off in February.
> >>
> >>
> >>No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the
> >>same time. Coincidence?
> >>
> >>You give a man a
>fish, he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish,
> >>he eats
> >>for a lifetime. If you ever, ever try to teach Chuck Norris about
> >>fishing then he will use your testicles as bait.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris appeared in an uncredited role in the film Bambi. He
> >>was the hunter who killed Bambi's mom. He originally wanted to kill
> >>her with a roundhouse kick to the face, but the director changed it
> >>to a gunshot, and Chuck refused to have his name associated with the
> >>movie. Thus losing his best shot at an Oscar.
> >>
> >>Only Wonder Woman has a uterus capable of bearing Chuck Norris'
> >>children.
> >>
> >>David Blaine's last magic trick was attempting to survive a
> >>roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
>He has not been seen since.
> >>
> >>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half.
> >>The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
> >>
> >>Babies don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on
> >>their butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear
> >>of the fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.
> >>
> >>All the Delta Force movies are in fact Chuck Norris' real life home
> >>videos.
> >>
> >>The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back
> >>in '86 when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told
> >>they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant.
> >>They do
>now.
Made me giggle .
. You well ? Seen u on the crapthrax board a bit
. U watch the fat manc (hatton fight LOL) he should have up'ed his game for Vegas back to London me thinks 
