this is HILARIOUS
i didn't even finish reading before coming here to post it
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i didn't even finish reading before coming here to post it
I saw this over on the SYL boards and figured I would share this here. So here we go with...CHUCK NORRIS!
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
In response to his challenge, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked MC Hammer so
hard that he went bankrupt. Chuck Norris then bellowed, "I can touch this,"
while he pelvic thrusted in Hammer's general direction.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an
essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the
words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.
In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck
Norris. He learned his lesson.
Chuck Norris ate an entire pizza with two hands tied behind his back. Then
he regurgitated an exact copy of the country Italy.
When Neil Armstrong uttered "That's one small step for man, one giant leap
for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting
behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong
a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.
Chuck Norris once visited the great northwestern redwood forests and had his
penis mistaken by a tour guide for a giant sequoia.
Will Smith is merely a figment of Chuck Norris' imagination.
The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.
The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of
Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a
cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35,
He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris once hit someone so hard that he created a hole in the 5th
dimension. He then went back in time through the hole and tried to save the
dinosaurs from becoming extinct. He saved a few of the dinosaurs by carrying
them on his back through the time portal. The dinosaurs he saved starred in
all three of the Jurassic Park movies.
Chuck Norris wrote the bible, as a joke to the world... but no one got it.
The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox is based on the true story of
Chuck Norris and his throbbing penis.
Chuck Norris is in the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the most
blow jobs in one day. 756.
Chuck Norris had to go back in time and sleep with his own mother. Why?
Because only the seed of Chuck Norris was able to make someone as perfect as
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' beard is actually made of Velcro. He uses it to trap low
flying bats.
Chuck Norris' left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki
style.
When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet
of light bulbs.
Chuck Norris once saved a baby rolling into the street when the stroller got
away from the baby's mom. Then he banged the mom and the baby.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Jesus Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday
card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why
we celebrate Christmas
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed
by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a f*caking Indian
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck
Norris for every answer
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck grivet, and the good Chuck, his teeth away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure
books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are
autobiographical.
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually
played by Chuck Norris' penis.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris
became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier
by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older
women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missile Defense System out of a tube of
chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey
Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym
Workout Machine.
Chuck Norris won first prize in Monopoly's beauty contest
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go
back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years
later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in
peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he
didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A,
Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the f*ck down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were
no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to
kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third
girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's sh*t.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing
the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
If you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.
There is no "I" in team. There is one "I" in Chuck Norris. F*ck you, team.
Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
Chuck Norris's hair is too afraid of him to grow.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Chuck Norris accidentally invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.
Chuck Norris created Scientology as an April Fool's joke one year. To his dismay, no one has gotten it.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Oh, and:
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