Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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& 4 the scientifically minded
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,
and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling
from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And
then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off
the road.
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And
the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
& 4 the scientifically minded
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,
and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling
from.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And
then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off
the road.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And
the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'
