The official "Tell your lame jokes" thread
- Thread starter MFJ
- Start date
meeseface
I go Commando
If all the people on the planet lived in a sweater, where would the black people live?
In the hood
In the hood
Hell Mike
fuck melodic black metal
cthulufhtagn
Went Out for Smokes 13 Years Ago
swizzlenuts
i'm sciencing as fast as i can
wildfyr
unus spiritus est
cthulufhtagn
Went Out for Smokes 13 Years Ago
Reign in Acai
Of Elephant and Man
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
---------------
A pedophile, a priest and an alcoholic walk into a bar... and thats just the first guy!
--------
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the
old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never
be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued
in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a good
point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts are
held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been
opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he
is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the
old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
"CELEBRATE !!!"
-----------------
For all you lads who know how fucking pathetic labor unions can be.
The union guy, a dedicated Teamsters union worker, was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
"The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next."
--------------------
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
--------------------
did you know that 70% of the gay population are born that way?
Yeah, the other 30% are sucked into it
--------
A young husband and wife were honeymooning in Jamaica. They had finished making love and decided to go sun at the nearby nude beach..They laid down on their blanket and in a few minutes a honeybee buzzed into the woman's slightly open vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat,pulled on his shorts,carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her,the black doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis,penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try,but because he was so nervous,he couldn't rise to the occasion."If neither of you objects,"the doctor said,"I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed.The doctor quickly
undressed,rubbed his thick nine inch penis in her slit until it was good and hard then he slathered on some honey and inserted his penis into her vagina. He started with short strokes and then his strokes became deeper and faster.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's rapid deep thrusting continued for several long minutes.The wife was getting all worked up with the doctor's big penis in her and started moaning and screamed that she was cumming.
"Hey,What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans,"The black doctor panted."I'm drowning the little bastard!.
---------------
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got my eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods and suddenly spots a bear in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. BAM!!! The bear drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly," said the Doctor.
-----------------
An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.
Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off"
---------------
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
---------------
A pedophile, a priest and an alcoholic walk into a bar... and thats just the first guy!
--------
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the
old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never
be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued
in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a good
point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts are
held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been
opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he
is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the
old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
"CELEBRATE !!!"
-----------------
For all you lads who know how fucking pathetic labor unions can be.
The union guy, a dedicated Teamsters union worker, was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
"The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next."
--------------------
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
--------------------
did you know that 70% of the gay population are born that way?
Yeah, the other 30% are sucked into it
--------
A young husband and wife were honeymooning in Jamaica. They had finished making love and decided to go sun at the nearby nude beach..They laid down on their blanket and in a few minutes a honeybee buzzed into the woman's slightly open vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat,pulled on his shorts,carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her,the black doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis,penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try,but because he was so nervous,he couldn't rise to the occasion."If neither of you objects,"the doctor said,"I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed.The doctor quickly
undressed,rubbed his thick nine inch penis in her slit until it was good and hard then he slathered on some honey and inserted his penis into her vagina. He started with short strokes and then his strokes became deeper and faster.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's rapid deep thrusting continued for several long minutes.The wife was getting all worked up with the doctor's big penis in her and started moaning and screamed that she was cumming.
"Hey,What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans,"The black doctor panted."I'm drowning the little bastard!.
---------------
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got my eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods and suddenly spots a bear in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. BAM!!! The bear drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly," said the Doctor.
-----------------
An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.
Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off"
---------------
