Sorry Falco, but this does blow - 34% [size=-1]Written by
UltraBoris on
July 24th, 2003[/size]
I mean it's not as overtly stupid as some of their later outputs, but a lot of the time the album makes me cringe, curse the gods, and wish this fucking genre never existed. Very rarely, the album shows promise, and actually sounds like it's going somewhere, but then they manage to shoot themselves in the ass.
The production is fairly terrible, and it results in a general weak sound... in the guitars, the drums, and the vocals. Everything is clear, but it sounds like the band was not putting in 100% effort. Motorhead, this is not. Te drums, first of all... sometimes they try to sound hyperbrutal with lots of snare hits but in the mix they are a bit too trebly and hissy and lack power. Same with the guitars, which aren't exactly distorted to Mortician levels... finally, the vocals, which combine the incomprehensibility of death growls with the pussyness of whispering.
On to the actual songs... Nightfall by the Shore is the opener, and for a while, I thought this album would have real fucking promise because, other than the phoned-in performance, the songwriting is decent here. Unfortunately, Crimson Winds starts off with a textbook Gothenfuck intro meloshit passage, and here is where the album seriously fucking pisses me off.
WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU THAT MAIDEN SOLOS SHOULD BE PLAYED AT HALF SPEED??!!! What the shit, Batcunt!!! A thousand years of endless guano on your house!
The rest of song isn't as godawful as the intro, except for the fact that the riffs just have the general weakness as I mentioned, and again it sounds like they're playing Iron Maiden with one fiftieth the balls and 75% of the speed. The final solo is pretty cool when they finally pick things up, but god almighty they throw in some really bad ideas.
A Bolt of Blazing Gold is the album's epic number. It starts off with a really fruity ballad part... it's not emotional - it's just plain weak. It sounds like Orion with a bad case of Anemia, that's how bad it is. It just does not work - if you want acoustic passages with balls of steel, try some of WASP's "The Crimson Idol" - not this crap. This is the kind of shit that gives rise to bands like Opeth, and must be stopped immediately. Even when they "get the song going", it still sounds like a really long intro part... and I thought it was that, until the vocals came in, the "riff" didn't change, and I realised there would be no speed metal salvation. Instead, we throw in some random chick singer, for the simple reason that this band needs more cowbell, or whatever the fuck they were thinking.
In Tears Bereaved - this is supposed to be the brutal song of the album. Listen to those drums. Unfortunately, at times it sounds like a carbon copy of the first track, and then they throw in that interlude that just doesn't come out right... it sounds like a midpaced headbanger riff for a second, but then you realise that this isn't Artillery, bells are not ringing for anyone, and time has just not fucking come, and again you're disappointed, and to help selfdestruct your sorrows away, here's another half-speed Maiden solo.
I poop on you. Remind me again why I am listening to this album? Oh yes, just to make sure I know what I'm talking about when I say that suchandsuch a band completely fucking sucks. Being an expert is an agonising experience.
Anyway, the rest of the album... nothing you haven't heard before. Pretty much, the first four songs convey the entire Dark Tranquillity experience, and it is not a pleasant one. "Skywards" has some decent fast riffage but then they screw it up with first stupid drums, and then the same weak singalong bullshit they had going on before. "Through Ebony Archways" sounds like fucking Donny and Marie Osmond... this is metal?! God damn it, what happened to the good old days when bands plugged in, turned to 11, and ripped face for 41 minutes with riff after riff?
"Shadow Duet" - okay so this is pretty much two songs in one, as it is 7 minutes, but really doesn't offer much except a kinda less cheesy acoustic solo around five minutes in - too bad it's about 3 seconds long, because there they almost got it right and didn't suck, but then it's back to the same old shit. Another Maiden solo gone wrong. "My Faeryland Forgotten" - who the fuck comes up with these pretentious bullshit titles? What ever happened to fucking "Piranha" (it ain't about no tuna fish) or a simple "Angel of Death" or "Exciter"?? Oh that's right - these guys wouldn't know classic fucking HEAVY METAL if it dug their grave and planted a Marshall stack ten high as a headstone.
Say, that's not a bad idea. Oh yeah "Alone" closes the album and provides nothing new.
So in conclusion, what have we learned? Gheythenburg sucks fucking donkey cunt. This band is Gheythenburg of the worst degree. I dunno, Falco - go listen to Demilich and realise what heavy fucking metal really is. Playing regurgitated Maiden melodies at half-speed with limp-wristed intensity doesn't qualify you to be heavy fucking metal. Leave the hall!!
