Asshole Things My Friend Who's Getting Married On Saturday's Fiance Has Done

[xfer]

- when Ellis reached over to fix his collar because it was awry, he jerked away violently and said, "DUDE. Don't ever fucking touch me again."

Ellis: "Uhh, sorry, mate, I was trying to--"

"I know, thanks, but seriously, don't ever fucking do that again."

 

[xfer]

- complained that nobody would take him golfing on Friday, the day before his wedding.

Lisa: "I'll go with you! I love golfing."

Adam: (huge snort) SHYAH!

Lisa: ?

Adam: You have a vagina.

Lisa: !

Adam: I don't have....girl friends.

 

[xfer]

(these are direct and exact quotes, by the way. and he is NOT KIDDING ONE BIT or being ironic)

 

[xfer]

- got a quarter-sized American flag tattoo on his back. BEFORE September 11th. cried and passed out while it was being done.

 

[xfer]

- came over our house with my friend and picked up our remote and looked at me and said, "What channel's Sportscenter?"

Me: Uh, I don't know.

Adam: No, really.

Me: Really, I don't know. Check the Guide and you can--

Adam: You're FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Me: ?

Adam: What the fuck (sounding pissed off).

 

[minxnim]

who is this a-hole?

 

[NAD]

If I ever found a girl who was willing to even watch golf on TV with me, I'd be married.

 

[xfer]

maybe instead of "sportscenter" he said "ESPN". i always forget which is the network and which is the show.

 

[minxnim]

hm i think it was espn and i think i remember you talking about this. your friend really knows how to pick them (psych!)

 

[xfer]

- after my friend had a breast reduction and was feeling kind of unsure of her decision (it took her like 4 years to do it after realising she needed to b/c she's really thin/small framed and they were killing her back because he complained and told her not to) the two of them came over and we were sitting around in the living room talking. he was flipping idly around on the TV and kept interrupting the conversation by stopping on beach volleyball and saying "JUGS!" and not even looking at us and then moving on to a new channel while we tried to pick up the conversation again. then he'd stop on MTV and be like "LOOK AT THOSE MAM-MAMS".

 

[chupe666]

yeah, who the hell is officiating this ceremony, Bullwinkle?

 

[xfer]

yeah i've mentioned some of these before! this is a thread i'm trying to accumulate a lot of them on.

- Lisa took one of her few vacation days to go over and help Trish make 200 wedding favors so she wouldn't have to spent $2000 on buying them. they worked on them for four hours and them Adam came home from messing around and started playing star wars battlefront in the same room they were cutting up cards and tying ribbons. for three hours they worked and he played and when they would talk to him about ANYTHING he would assume they were talking about the game.

lisa to trish, trying to tie a special knot: "This is pretty hard!"
adam (interjecting): "nah, I can beat this guy, he's a fucking pussy"

 

[xfer]

hahaha actually the ceremony is being performed by his best friend/Lisa's ex-boyfriend of 8 years! because Adam didn't ask him to be part of the wedding party and he felt really hurt so they decided he would get his diploma (?) online so he could perform weddings.

 

[xfer]

- took up hunting two years ago because "it's what men do". he really sucks at it and faints/cries at the sight of blood (he swears that's why he fainted during his tattooing) but he thinks manliness uber alles, so he spent like $3000 on fancy hunting duds and a gun and hunting lessons.

 

[xfer]

- at one point he broke up with my friend for two days so he could sleep with another girl and not cheat on her

 

[xfer]

- lisa and i went over their house for dinner/swimming and trish made turkey tacos and adam got home from work and said "What the fuck? TURKEY tacos? I'm not eating this" and made her feel guilty and made a big show of ordering other food that had beef in it.

 

[chupe666]

a friend's sister is married to an ass about this caliber.

(in the car, with Ass, Ass's wife's father, and Ass's brother-in-law who is married to our friend)

Ass: How about we go to the strip club?
BrotherInLaw: Nah.
Ass: Why not? Are you afraid of your wife? WTF? Don't take that crap from your wife! If XXX ever did that to me, I'd f'n slap her.
BIL: No, I just don't want to go.
Ass: W/E.

the father HATES him. he's the kind of guy who will yell to her if she's upstairs to come downstairs and go to the fridge which is 10 feet from him to give him a beer.

 

[minxnim]

so basically what you're saying is, you're friend is a total shit-magnet.

 

[xfer]

- generally makes trish cook for him and his two buddies. one night she made lasagna and they walked in from some sporting event and saw the lasagna and adam said, "ben wants fajitas, can you put that in the fridge and make fajitas instead?" and she did.

 

[chupe666]

you know xfer, i'm gonna sound like a jerk since this is your friend, but people like this are why marriage means absolutely nothing today.