DT Forum Members (and their messed up relationships)
- Thread starter Kovenant84
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Phyrexia
Cat With Nine Claws
- Jun 3, 2002
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Guess it's my turn now...
Similar situation to someone else on this board (posted on the first page of this thread)
I was single for 3 1/2 years after dating a borderline schizophrenic suicidal maniac who had a bad habit of cutting himself.
Almost a year ago I was at a metal show here in Toronto and the promoter and I started talking. More and more frequently we did and after dating for a while (well I feel evil about this but I was kind of his "mistress" while he was trying to get out of a relationship with a suicidal cunt from hell--who threatened to kill herself if he left her) we decided to make it official. We have been together for about 8 months and I live with him.
Damn there seems to be a trend with suicidal people here
Did I mention he's a concert promoter that brings all the good metal to Toronto??
I'm actually incredibly proud of him, he is a partnered promoter for the Slayer show in September!
So when Dark Tranquillity come to Toronto, I'll make him tell them to play a 1.5 hour set (How likely is that!! )
Similar situation to someone else on this board (posted on the first page of this thread)
I was single for 3 1/2 years after dating a borderline schizophrenic suicidal maniac who had a bad habit of cutting himself.
Almost a year ago I was at a metal show here in Toronto and the promoter and I started talking. More and more frequently we did and after dating for a while (well I feel evil about this but I was kind of his "mistress" while he was trying to get out of a relationship with a suicidal cunt from hell--who threatened to kill herself if he left her) we decided to make it official. We have been together for about 8 months and I live with him.
Damn there seems to be a trend with suicidal people here
Did I mention he's a concert promoter that brings all the good metal to Toronto??
I'm actually incredibly proud of him, he is a partnered promoter for the Slayer show in September!So when Dark Tranquillity come to Toronto, I'll make him tell them to play a 1.5 hour set
(How likely is that!! )
atlantis
Oui, avantgarde à chance
(Since it's a cold, rainy saturday night, I am bored and too relaxed to do anything useful, I'll be here, rambling and f***ing around- apologize me, I won't bother you all for long time
)I don't know if it came out before in some other thread, but I was just wondering- in a possible "parents"poll how many "yes, my relationship with my parents work, I am glad and happy or whatever else may be" would we have?
No doubt, by the way, sons are mostly unhappy about their parenthood, and this is a valuable truth- it's not depending on belonging to this or that board, or listening to some kind of music more than another (it'd be the obvious "chicken&egg" question, isn't it??).
Logic could help, in a way: family comes first, in the early years of life (sometimes not just in the earlies), and everything we feel as evil/damage/mistake hurts as much as fire.. The more it harms the more we search for other havens- friends, music, love, movies, hobbies etc etc.
Well, I'm just telling awful commonplaces, I agree (I can't help it, so sorry
), but I just wonder: how many of you can seriously claim their (family) relationships flawless, or decent at least? And for the rest: how do you escape from it? Do you think things are going to be better, one day? I used to think my "parental" pattern as a dumb, painful failure, the more I grow old the more I get less wise: the new trend is just accept that I am not going to be better (hopefully I am not going to copy that horror, throwing an innocent in this crap --and without his/her authorization), that my parents made just the mistakes all men do.
It's not their fault, being human requires it- ruin and misery, and much hangover to mask all this.
Sorry for it- I'll go rambling somewhere else-
Thanks for your attention-
a/
Wolfman Von Jones
The trouble with you
My family relationship isnt flawlees by any means. I dont get along with my mother, she has just become a not so nice person over the years (im not sure why), my father jsut really doesnt care anymore, and my brothers and sisters never cared. Oh woe is me.
Nick(whatever)
Nick(whatever)
Villain
Doctor BenQuillity
Well, I most certainly should be sleeping by now (I have lots of things to do tomorrow - writing my contribution to the Round Robin thread included), but I guess replying to Atlantis' message is better than fighting my insomnia on bed.
My main point is: My relationship to my parents is all healthy and good. It's not perfect by any means, but I'd say it is better than that of 90% of the people I know. We have had our fights and disagreements, but I guess that's just a good sign. My "mental puberty" came rather late and we had our worst moments when I was about 20. Once I moved away from home, the situation changed for the better. Now it feels wonderful that I can come back home whenever I want from anywhere in any condition and I always am welcome - I feel that my parents respect me like any other adult by now.
My relationship with my little brother is worse, however. We never were close to each other, but once I was about 14 and he about 11, we just virtually finished being brothers anymore. It was mainly because of my inability to be a real "big brother" or role-model for him, and he felt he had to compete with me. That is perhaps the main reason, why I a few years later - once I realized I had "lost" a brother - started taking care of other people younger than myself. Looking back now, it is quite clear that I tried to compensate my failure as a big brother by acting like one for several youngsters. One thing led to another and now I'm studying youth-work and work a lot "on the field".
However, the thing that has lately kept me up at nights, is that an old friend of mine - a former "little brother" - has been in trouble. His world is upside down and he does heavy drugs to try to overcome it. I have known this for some time by now, but he tries to hide it from me - just like from everyone else. The other guys don't know what to do, and the responsibility of helping him is clearly on my shoulders - whether or not I wanted it. This should be all well to me, as this is the role I've taken so long ago and this is what I'm up to in the future as well. Or so I thought.
Despite several efforts, I just can't say it to his face - say that I know, say that I care for him and say that I will do my best to help. Somehow something just remains "locked" in me every time I try to grab this subject while we talk - which we don't do much lately. I saw him today (well, actually yesterday as it's well past midnight) after a long time and we chatted for a while. He looked worse than ever and I just tried to ask about his plans for the future.
I don't know if you realize how damn disappointed I'm with myself. My belief in myself has nearly crumbled, my self-esteem is lower than for ages. I had always thought I could help other people - I saw it as the meaning for my life. How can I help anyone, if I can't help someone I hold as my friend? I just don't know.
We agreed to see each other tomorrow (or today), but I'm afraid I still can't talk about it to him. It seems like I try to fool myself to believe it is not real as long as he does not admit it. I feel so damn weak.
Good night, thanks for listening.
-Villain
My main point is: My relationship to my parents is all healthy and good. It's not perfect by any means, but I'd say it is better than that of 90% of the people I know. We have had our fights and disagreements, but I guess that's just a good sign. My "mental puberty" came rather late and we had our worst moments when I was about 20. Once I moved away from home, the situation changed for the better. Now it feels wonderful that I can come back home whenever I want from anywhere in any condition and I always am welcome - I feel that my parents respect me like any other adult by now.
My relationship with my little brother is worse, however. We never were close to each other, but once I was about 14 and he about 11, we just virtually finished being brothers anymore. It was mainly because of my inability to be a real "big brother" or role-model for him, and he felt he had to compete with me. That is perhaps the main reason, why I a few years later - once I realized I had "lost" a brother - started taking care of other people younger than myself. Looking back now, it is quite clear that I tried to compensate my failure as a big brother by acting like one for several youngsters. One thing led to another and now I'm studying youth-work and work a lot "on the field".
However, the thing that has lately kept me up at nights, is that an old friend of mine - a former "little brother" - has been in trouble. His world is upside down and he does heavy drugs to try to overcome it. I have known this for some time by now, but he tries to hide it from me - just like from everyone else. The other guys don't know what to do, and the responsibility of helping him is clearly on my shoulders - whether or not I wanted it. This should be all well to me, as this is the role I've taken so long ago and this is what I'm up to in the future as well. Or so I thought.
Despite several efforts, I just can't say it to his face - say that I know, say that I care for him and say that I will do my best to help. Somehow something just remains "locked" in me every time I try to grab this subject while we talk - which we don't do much lately. I saw him today (well, actually yesterday as it's well past midnight) after a long time and we chatted for a while. He looked worse than ever and I just tried to ask about his plans for the future.
I don't know if you realize how damn disappointed I'm with myself. My belief in myself has nearly crumbled, my self-esteem is lower than for ages. I had always thought I could help other people - I saw it as the meaning for my life. How can I help anyone, if I can't help someone I hold as my friend? I just don't know.
We agreed to see each other tomorrow (or today), but I'm afraid I still can't talk about it to him. It seems like I try to fool myself to believe it is not real as long as he does not admit it. I feel so damn weak.
Good night, thanks for listening.
-Villain
Villain, I am sorry to hear that. I wish I could think up an answer and say something that makes sense but it just does not come to me. I guess I share your core values and I never really get over the feeling of having failed to help someone lest I degrade them in my head - which is absolutely beyond what you should do here. Possibly the worst situation that occurred to me, far better than the one you're in by the way, concerned a person who fell in the trap of Scientology and never came out. I felt I needed to help him since he was a very close friend, and now I deal with the fact that I failed by making fun of his lifestyle and his choices - not that it erases the disgrace. I guess that a drug problem is tens of times worse and I know that I would hide behind some "That's his choice" theory sooner or later, but I really hope you're not going to do that. I know it's cowardly to say the least. If he still talks to you, he's showing a degree of need and openness to help - you still have room for manouver until the drugs take away that last point of light from him. Please let us know what happens tomorrow. And, if necessary, be forceful as in impose the topic on him: you might not have another chance, he might be dead before you know. what you are doing *matters*: this does not equate with you being responsible for his demise if he does not listen, but this might equate with you being a cog in the machine that saves his life. that's so extremely important.
hyena (i know i sound preaching. it's just out of my heart and this is the worst part)
hyena (i know i sound preaching. it's just out of my heart and this is the worst part)
Wolfman Von Jones
The trouble with you
Ah Villian, you cant help people that dont want to be helped, I used to ask myself the same question, I know alot of people who are into alot of bad things, I have tryed to help alot of them, the only ones who took and appreciated my help were the ones who wanted to be helped. You shouldnt feel bad about yourself jsut b/c you cant help someone, he obviously doesnt want help right now, and it really sucks I know, but there is nothing you can do at the moment.
Nick
Nick
parents topic: oh my. i would not say that i have a bad relationship with them, but i have a very strong impression that they do not understand what i am all about. my dad grasps some of the intellectual part but cannot quite grasp the emotional one and my mom vice versa, in the oldest of world's clichés. my brother is a selfish man veering on the sociopathic, didn't ever hold a proper job until 27 and he's being kind of protected by my parents, which poisons my very existence. parents who, by the way, have very little feeling for each other and tend to put everyone through pretty grim times every time they decide they have to split and then get back together after many sleepless nights, most of which are, curiously, on my part.
they've given me much and prepared me well, but they cannot sense that now is time for retributive thoughts and they have no idea of what i can do. this is annoying although, as atlantis said, they're just human and it's not like i can assume they don't have limitations in intellect and/or experience... and still there's many people who are worse off i suppose.
i'd rate the whole thing around 80% if i did exclude their disastrous relationship as a couple, briskly falling to 40% if i didn't. whatever.
oh, and by the way, phyrexia: i would never ever ever go out with a metal promoter, but if you like it, suit yourself
hyena (come the day i bubububu)
they've given me much and prepared me well, but they cannot sense that now is time for retributive thoughts
and they have no idea of what i can do. this is annoying although, as atlantis said, they're just human and it's not like i can assume they don't have limitations in intellect and/or experience... and still there's many people who are worse off i suppose.i'd rate the whole thing around 80% if i did exclude their disastrous relationship as a couple, briskly falling to 40% if i didn't. whatever.
oh, and by the way, phyrexia: i would never ever ever go out with a metal promoter, but if you like it, suit yourself
hyena (come the day i bubububu)
mousewings
Member
- Nov 21, 2001
- 3,626
- 84
- 48
My life with my family (or shall I say, my parents since I have no siblings) has been a journey of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel I cannot live in the same house as them, others I feel they are great. For a past few weeks, it's been good. One thing about them is that they are overprotective in some ways (especially my father), but not in others... I sometimes find this very smothering and restrictive... and it has lead to some emotional pain for me. I cannot do some things most other people my age can (both based on my family and my current situations)... but can do stuff others cannot (for example, my family let me drink). I do realise my parents are not perfect, but they love me... I keep that in mind...
For the subject of my relationships, it is complicated, has not been great in the past, and lead to some very unhappy, incredibly difficult days for me based on numerous occurences... but I made it through. It was a learning experience and I feel more mature (that is the only word I can use to describe it) after it all. Although, I still occasionally think about what happened in the past, and some of what is happening in my life now, and it makes me sad...
In all, on the relationships area, I am single now and still looking...
For the subject of my relationships, it is complicated, has not been great in the past, and lead to some very unhappy, incredibly difficult days for me based on numerous occurences... but I made it through. It was a learning experience and I feel more mature (that is the only word I can use to describe it) after it all. Although, I still occasionally think about what happened in the past, and some of what is happening in my life now, and it makes me sad...
In all, on the relationships area, I am single now and still looking...
Sometimes it's just so sad to hear what two parents can say for their own child.
Siren (sorry for the ranting)
Siren (sorry for the ranting)
seventi
Viva Lonliness!
Originally posted by Siren
It's not much of a problem for me, but they do judge me from my preference to metal. The top things i've heard:
"You know, in the beginning i thought you were a prick, but after all you're not such a bad girl" (
"What are all these in your room? What kind of a metalhead are you?" (the "u're not metul enough d00d" lecture by a non-metalhead
Hmmm..didn't know you were a female
Maybe a hug from one not in the family
|ngenius
Little Grasshopper
We're discovering the hidden side of our Dr. Tranquillity, and I'm quite pleased about that, not only oceans made of knowledge dwell inside him.
Well, probably you all are expecting the classic "optimistic speech by the robot" (a strong trademark). Lately I'm living a crisis of faith, so I can't extract a good and straight advice to allow Villain to way out of his worries. I base my life on this belief: "Do your best, the rest doesn't depends on you" Unfortunately, NickTheClayman was surprisingly right: sometimes the help is not in our hands, but that only can be seen when the storm has passed. I love the way you've taken, the inner wish of help ppl, but I can't assure if you're acting right, or which is the better way to go through. I know, I know, you're not expecting a concrete answer by my side, but I'm here to provide it if necessary.
Just follow your heart, man, and do your best. A drugs problem isn't easy to solve, there's a physic dependence to overcome, psychic world apart. That boy needs help for sure, but mainly needs open doors to go through, not simply someone to close the doors he knows already are closed. Show him the ways available, always are disposable ways to start something new. But he needs a fulcrum to move his world. The choice is up to you.
"Fresh winds of hope
are taking us ahead (...)"
|ng.
Edit: It was an optimistic post, after all.
Well, probably you all are expecting the classic "optimistic speech by the robot" (a strong trademark). Lately I'm living a crisis of faith, so I can't extract a good and straight advice to allow Villain to way out of his worries. I base my life on this belief: "Do your best, the rest doesn't depends on you" Unfortunately, NickTheClayman was surprisingly right: sometimes the help is not in our hands, but that only can be seen when the storm has passed. I love the way you've taken, the inner wish of help ppl, but I can't assure if you're acting right, or which is the better way to go through. I know, I know, you're not expecting a concrete answer by my side, but I'm here to provide it if necessary.
Just follow your heart, man, and do your best. A drugs problem isn't easy to solve, there's a physic dependence to overcome, psychic world apart. That boy needs help for sure, but mainly needs open doors to go through, not simply someone to close the doors he knows already are closed. Show him the ways available, always are disposable ways to start something new. But he needs a fulcrum to move his world. The choice is up to you.
"Fresh winds of hope
are taking us ahead (...)"
|ng.
Edit: It was an optimistic post, after all.
rahvin
keeper of the flame
Originally posted by |ngenius
Edit: It was an optimistic post, after all.
we weren't expecting anything less than this.
rahvin.
mousewings
Member
- Nov 21, 2001
- 3,626
- 84
- 48
Don't worry; that was not a rant...
I guess the above does apply to my life in some ways... if it was refering to my post.
Wolfman Von Jones
The trouble with you
Villain
Doctor BenQuillity
Okay, first of all, thanks Hyena, Nick and |ng for your words - even if nothing else, those words helped me accept what I have done this far and concentrate on the future instead of dwelling in the past. The thing I left unmentioned on my last post, was that a year ago I told one other friend of ours, how proud I was of this boy - he seemed to have overcome his problems and was developing such an intelligence and compassion I have always admired. She (=the common friend of ours I was talking to), said she was proud as well, but didn't want to draw too hasty conclusions - as if a bit afraid of what future might bring. It appears she knew him better than I did. I left them for a year, continued my studying, work and other things. I didn't keep much contact, for I thought there was no need for any and I was busy with other things. I heard some worrying news now and then, but I thought it was nothing serious. I wanted to believe it was nothing serious. When I came back here (after the Uppsala-trip) I suddenly realized how bad the things were with him. So, typically, I blamed myself for a while.
About last sunday, we did indeed meet, with a lot of other old friends as well. We played some games together and had fun like back then, can't even remember how long ago (although it must be only a year or two, it feels like an eternity right now). As I wasn't alone with him at any point, we didn't talk about his problems, but he seemed to enjoy our common fun as much as everyone else. Some of the other guys know about his drug-use, while others probably just wonder why he does look so sick (yes, he's lost about 20 kg during the past year - and he never was too big to start with).
Anyway, we agreed to re-do it the next weekend, and I hope he comes again. Perhaps we can show him other ways to get away from his problems and prove him he still has old friends who truly care about him (he has a lot of new "friends" by now). I guess that's the best we can do for now.
-Villain
About last sunday, we did indeed meet, with a lot of other old friends as well. We played some games together and had fun like back then, can't even remember how long ago (although it must be only a year or two, it feels like an eternity right now). As I wasn't alone with him at any point, we didn't talk about his problems, but he seemed to enjoy our common fun as much as everyone else. Some of the other guys know about his drug-use, while others probably just wonder why he does look so sick (yes, he's lost about 20 kg during the past year - and he never was too big to start with).
Anyway, we agreed to re-do it the next weekend, and I hope he comes again. Perhaps we can show him other ways to get away from his problems and prove him he still has old friends who truly care about him (he has a lot of new "friends" by now). I guess that's the best we can do for now.
-Villain
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