Once upon a time, there was this geezer who knew absolutely zero about computers. He had owned a ZX Spectrum in his youth, and was totally unimpressed. Then one day someone told him about PC Porn.
"Huh?" thought this geezer, "I bet that's shit", his head filling with thoughts of blocky single colour graphics. Sort of like Manic Miner bumming Hungry Horace. Not very stimulating.
Then, his friend showed him his PC, featuring a high res, close-up of a creamy pop-shot. Lo, there was an awakening! This geezer bought a PC, and soon enough discovered the Internet, brimming with all manner of super-filth, of the sort that was once only available in Swedish Climax magazines, waaaaay out of his price range. One thing led to another, and this geezer soon discovered the Internet was also brimming with fellow deviants, all eager to show you webcam images of their wife. And also to get some webcam images of you tupping their wife.
Now this geezer was of low moral fibre, and extremely kinky of mind, so he was in his element! He made friends. He poked their wives. He spanked their wives' bottoms. He ......well, you get the idea!
Then one day, he saw that somebody living a few miles away was having a swingers party. They needed a few single guys, for the greedy girls. This geezer thought, wtf, why not? He washed his bell-end, put on his best Mickey Mouse grundies and boogaloo'd down to the public house, in order to try and stand out from the rest of the single blokes who would be there trying to wangle an invite to the party. He kicked the door open.......to find out of all the blokes who had posted messages promising to be there, he was the only one with the balls to actually make the effort. He was in!!!!
That night, he pigged out on poontang. His nuts were like squeezed oranges afterwards, and his grin stuck out of the side of his face, kinda like in that "Cherry Pie" video.
And it got better/worse. He was a total perve, and so he immersed himself in deviance of all styles and flavours. He surprised himself sometimes at just how lucky he was, but at the end of the day, all he did was to have the balls to turn up and see what the score was at fetish clubs/parties/munches etc. He thought of his mates who didn't believe him. He remembered their stunned silence when he showed them the pictures! He also remembered the way their wives wouldn't let them into their houses anymore, and how he wasn't allowed to talk to them because he was apparently encouraging them to misbehave! He then remembered how he stopped going round to see them, after his ban had expired, because he was tired of relating tales of his latest exploits to their wives, in minute detail. And showing them the pictures.
That geezer, my dear, was TheAssMaster!!
The party story is true, and I'm sure that there are pictures somewhere of that event, which will doubtless become public property on the very eve of me collecting the keys to Downing Street, scuppering my destiny to be Prime Minister. (Pics of a maid being fisted, with me in the background, eyes popping only marginally less than the maid!! Imagine if the old git had croaked whilst doing the Basil Brush impression! Try explaining that to the Rozzers!)
Oh, and it was a St Andrews Cross, not a flag. You can buy them from Roissy Dungeon Furnishers........
