Feeling empty...


Apr 20, 2001
I cant feel anything... I mean i feel nothing absolutely nothing it's like faaaallliing and falling and fallin... Just falling...
Nohing makes sense. Even the things I liked so much to do.
I cant pain I cant be happy. I feel me "dead" again...
I went to play bowling but ended up roaming at streets... Nothing made sence... Even if sb put a gun in my head or even the fact that I was in front line yesterday and I saw the GODS of Metal Face to face! Just meant nothing... My fachination about music seemed far away... It was like I watch a movie on TV. My life as a movie.

Glen Typton looked at me and smiled when I waved at him! Other time I would be at heavens!

Gosh! I'm outta of the things completely. I'm wondering what could wake me up.

Nobody loves me. And so? People I loved once either dont care or are vanised or are duying by an unhealed illness far away form me. What if I loved em? I dont do now... I cant continue suffering because they suffer...

I dont care and so? Do I have any reason for doing that? Was anyone here when I really needed em? Nah!

Only one person had realised my way of thinking. And that person left. I hope he's still alive and I would like to tell him how much I loved him (but never was "in love" though). I was just feeling peace listening at his voice. And he used to say wise things. He got in my mind. We were just made from the same thing but as soon as he realised he felt for me has gone...

About the others? I cant remeber anyone that really cared. Adding that they became mean to me... Sb who's mean is an enemy and not a friend.

I cant say more now... I cant make words all my thoughts.....
Maybe I'm talking nonsence again...

Maybe I'm a step close to ressurection...
I absolutely feel for you.
So many things has changed since July 2000. We cared a lot more about each other. Maiden Central was the best fucking BB on this planet, because every member there were best friends.
We all were so different back then than we are now... :cry:
And the only thing I'm not sorry for is Juliana and our little minus 4 months old daughter :)

"Nothing lasts forever, but the certainty of change"
Originally posted by Evilho
I absolutely feel for you.
So many things has changed since July 2000. We cared a lot more about each other. Maiden Central was the best fucking BB on this planet, because every member there were best friends.
We all were so different back then than we are now... :cry:
And the only thing I'm not sorry for is Juliana and our little minus 4 months old daughter :)

"Nothing lasts forever, but the certainty of change"

Yes... It was so nice at that time over there...
We got lost now. Seems like talking to strangers now.
Like I'd never met persons from there in real life...

Anyway...Everything is changed and the good moments have gone.

I'm not talking actuallya bout that only but as you've mentioned is like I never lived that now. Just sb else did! Seems more and more that this thing is unfamiliar to me...
Right now to think or not to think is the same for me...
I cant feel anything...
Witchy, I believe you're treating your life now as you would treat your worst enemy. I've had my share of quarrels with life and I had that hollow feeling inside me for so many times, so I can say I understand how you feel. I concluded that here are transitions in life that hammer your soul on the anvil of your faith, shifting your shape forever. I have the feeling you're living through one of those transitions, and the only thing you need at this time is faith itself; an aim that you live by. I suggest you set yourself a target right now, believe in yourself and your ability to conquer that target, and go for it. The target could be a new job, a new band, a new language, a new boyfriend.... or any combination of anything new you can think of.

Try to abandon every avoidable routine task of your day, life is forcing you to change anyway. You need not be friends with life, because we both know it betrays sooner or later. But you should also try to cease the enmity because you spit on your own face every time you spit on life.

A quick note for Ivan,

You're out of your mind if you think anything has changed in the way I feel for you; I feel as close to you as I did that summer. True, time prevents us from intense conversations of the past, but even time fails when friends resist to let it between. We had no serious disputes (except for that "cheap friendship" stuff, but I'm sure I could convince you face to face that twist of language was nothing serious), and we had no reason to forget each other, so why would anything change but time limitations?
This is true for everyone from the MaidenCentral. I love everyone from that bb so much, still I haven't had a chance to talk to ANYONE on ICQ for more than five minutes. I hate it but there's not much I can do about it. I just have to come here to console myself with a couple of posts every day.

I normally dislike using that hug smilie, too bad I need it so bad right now.
Umut, you know that I love you very very very much and you can't believe how I miss your company! And the others too (Jan, Chris, Finnarry, Mark, Cico, Baris etc.)
Well, I just hope soon we'll have more time. Oh, and if possible, to see you in the summer! :)
Lovely idea, but you know we'll have a beautiful little bebezinha to care about :mad: ;)

Ohh, and to prove I'm not "out my mind", I tell you again that I'll never forget your support during the early days of Juli's pregnancy! :)
Hey! No need to mention it man! I know you would be ready to do the same for me if Jan was pregnant :D

About the honeymoon trip: Well, I made it up because it's certain that I won't be able to visit you in Hungary this summer :cry: I hate having to cancel every trip I plan to Budapest :mad:
Anyway, I know that "beautiful little bebezinha" would be difficult to handle through a honeymoon vacation, but I'm still ready for the faintest glimmer of hope. Ah, and don't forget I'm the sponsor for the milk supply, so you must make it to Istanbul this year somehow to sign the contract and claim the bottles :D

Jan, if lesbian honeymoon trips were not allowed in Istanbul, how would Ivan and you ever make it through the city gates last summer? :p
Umut, thanks for your words though...

At that time and still now I have already new aims in my life tu fulfill my life. It wasnt me that enemy but it seems that sometimes i'm waiting things from other people that doesnt seem able to give it. Or when some otehrs treat me in a way I know I dont fucking deserve. And it's like you say what the fuck have I done wrong then? And you still cant find a point.
All my targets right that moment were insignificant.
IT"S NOT about having targets or not. I have.
I've already started courses to refresh my French and I indeed planing to learn a new language in the future. I aim for a master degree at a univ abroad. Probably in Belgium and no mater what I'll try to chase a high possition... Like working for an international organisation or becoming a deplomat or so. It's a life dream and believe me it's not that easy to be fulfiled. All I need is infos and be strong enough to survive the competition cos i know I have the abilities.

Sometimes life can strungle you and I know I miss a point. I dunno what it is though but I'm sure I've skipped sth and i have made a mistake that I need to correct.

Hmm about my personal life it's a strange thing but a 3rd cousin of one of my 2 best friends ,Anastasia, his mane is Andreas (Andrew) is those days at the city and stays at her place.
That guy is about 27-28 years old and I had seen him in Athens and I really feel impresed by that person. He has finished political scienses and public administration at Uni then he had law studies and then a master at constitution on law. He works at the ministry of justuce and he's planing to go for a doctorah degree and become a uni professor as well.
And no he's not a nerd he's a cute guy, really handsome, tall. green eyes, dark hair and plays tennis. Very social with nice smile.

My friend thinks that this person fancy me... He invited me for a drink tonight althought sth happened to my friend and she had to leave for Athens today, for a couple of days, so it would be only him and I!
Dunno what his purposes are but It's hard for me to believe that this well educated and gorgeous guy might fancy me! :eek:
I'm not a person to be loved as it has been aproved and I dont wanna get dissapointed again. At least yesterday Him my friend and i had great day at sea! I'd spend all that day with that person and it was pretty cool he tried to make me laughing all the time! :)

ps. Umi, just want to make the things in my life clear. Not skiping everything for new things. New experiences and targets can make you feel empty when tehy dont have a real purpose.