ALL PUNS INTENDED!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you ,"
says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... A super-calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at
least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun
in ten did.
.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you ,"
says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... A super-calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at
least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun
in ten did.
.
