haha new fun game from waxy.org

[lizard]

Here's a fun game... First, look up the most popular and critically-acclaimed books, movies, and music on Amazon. Click on "Customer Reviews," and sort them by "Lowest Rating First." Hilarity ensues! It's the Amazon.com Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game!

Music

Miles Davis, "Kind of Blue"

• "This is one of the worst albums I've ever bought. It's so boring and lifeless. Good to fall asleep to."
  
• "its boredom,nostalgia and scarcely concealed contempt make it the perfect background music for this narcissistic age of ours."
  
• "I found Mr. Davis' playing to be laughable at best. Finally, it's irritating; and confusing that so many people laud it."
  
• "If pretension, tedium, and self-indulgence are your idea of what should animate music, then this is the album and Miles Davis is the 'artist' for you."

The Beatles, "White Album"

• "Kindle for your campfire; better yet an apology from Apple Records for creating this toxic waste"
  
• "This CD looks good in a garbage can.....god awful, what were they thinking???"
  
• "This is, put simply, one of the worst albums I have ever listened to."
  
• "If you want to hear a peak in popular rock music listen to (for example) "Use Your Illusion I & II" by Guns N' Roses. These are the kind of albums that deserve all the praise the White Album gets."

Beach Boys, "Pet Sounds"

• "This is not the Beach Boys. It can't be. Why? No beach songs! I thought it was some kind of joke. All 'Pet Sounds' offers is the opportunity to hear Brian Wilson whine for forty minutes, backed by elevator music."
  
• "It's full of bland harmonizing by guys that could barely swim."
  
• "The lyrics consist of commonplace rhyming conversational prose, totally lacking in imagery, metaphor and anything else that separates verse from poetry."

Bob Dylan, "Highway 61 Revisited"

• "One big giant dud! Insane lyrics, horrible singing"
  
• "He set the precedent that doomed rock 'n roll to always being a semantic eunuch."
  
• "Most of the songs are as a rule decent enough, but can anyone really listen to the howling vocals for longer than a few minutes at a time?!"
  
• "Bob Dylan had to either have been completely tone deaf, or carried one of the largest egos on the planet not to let someone better sing his songs, or at least to take lessons."

John Coltrane, "A Love Supreme"

• "Coltrane's A Love Supreme is the most overhyped jazz album in history. It is music? Maybe. But I find it to be unlistenable, despite several efforts to find something good in it."
  
• "The first number is torture if you like melodic music. There's no connection between the phasing and the rhythm. Again, is this supposed to be clever?"
  
• "Nobody will care about the technical achievements of these guys in 100 years."
  
• "I think about Kenny G., for instance. His rythmic session is much more regular, whereas Coltrane's session seems sometimes to loose the beat."

Movies

Casablanca

• "I'm pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version, the way this movie needs to be seen - the world is not black and white, why should our movies be?"
  
• "Bergman's constant near nervous breakdown into weepiness or breathy asthma seems forced and adoleescent rather than the mental state of a mature woman."
  
• "I would like to have rated this 'video' zero-stars, but 1-star is as bad as it can be rated."
  
• "This movie is horrible! It is so boring and unoriginal that I can't stand it."

The Wizard of Oz

• "If you're a fan of hammy acting and schmaltzy stories, this movie is for you."
  
• "Also the color -- what is this fixation on color in that period? Tone things down, please."
  
• "For one thing, I don't like to watch things with witches in them, especially if one of them is portrayed as a 'good witch' - that's an oxymoron I can't reconcile with."
  
• "Well, maybe in 1939 it was great, put today in 2001 this film is just toooooooooo outdated and hokey."

Citizen Kane

• "The only good thing about Citizen Kane is that it will put you to sleep faster than any film."
  
• "Please stop the hype on Citizen Kane. It doesn't work. It's like you are trying to convince people that poop smells good."
  
• "Citizen Kane is a hymn to all filmmakers who have ever tried to create something artistic and meaningful and failed miserably every step of the way."
  
• "It was just a bad attempt at a boring story about newspaper tycoon. It's one of the worst movies I have ever seen."

The Shawshank Redemption

• "This paean to middle-aged scofflaws, attempts to persuade the viewer to side with rapists, thieves, and murderers."
  
• "That pretty much sums up the plot of Shawshank, nothing but a formula picture that you have seen before."
  
• "It's a shame that a briliiant actor and director had to fall victum to the use of vile language when it was proven by the television version that it was completely unnecessary to the impact and story line."
  
• "And finally ... what kind of ending is it where two dudes are together on a beach."

The Godfather

• "It's a boring hype, with not enough action."
  
• "'The Godfather' has an ugly consciousness and a mean spirit. I see no justification for it, thoroughly disliked it, and have tried to forget it."
  
• "This movie was so violent I couldn't believe it!"

Books

James Joyce, "Ulysses"

• "Pretentious intellectual self-absorption"
  
• "Most of the book strikes me as an attempt by the author to show how very clever he was with word play and analogy and practically every other literary devise under the sun."
  
• "For all the great style modern authors may use, they are just using it to cover up a total lack of substance."
  
• "Life is too short to waste your time on this crap!"
  
• "Ulysses is a hardcover bounded knife in the face."

F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby"

• "It was poorly structured, the story is unclear and it is not very memorable."
  
• "Anyone who is an ancestor to that worthless excuse of an American novelist should be offered sincere consoling and extreme sympathies."
  
• "The love story was predictable and the characters were obnoxious."
  
• "It's just so haphazard and bad that people mistake it for being good."

J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"

• "A dull, pendantic book about a dull, pedantic hypocrite."
  
• "This book was linked with the murders of John Lennon, and actress Rebecca Schaeffer. How could this book be around, when so many nutcases use it for such things?"
  
• "Salinger is the real phony here."
  
• "I find it as pointless as the day i read it. You would be much better off reading a nice Grisham, actually..."

Kurt Vonnegut, "Slaughterhouse Five"

• "Vonnegut is no better or worse than Daniele Steele!"
  
• "The novel is written in a childish absurdist style that becomes wearisome very quickly."
  
• "I read it, but I literally have no idea what this book is about. And I'm not reading it again to find out either."
  
• "A tangled mess of disjointed scenes and uninspiring ramblings."

Comments

Books King James Bible, both new and old testament

• Apart from the leather, this book isn't really any good
• do you really have to read it all to realize that it's all make beleive?
• This was the worst piece of fiction I've ever read. The characters were cliched and their actions were just unbelievable. A total piece of trash.

posted by Matt on July 1, 2004 03:01 PM

Ernest Hemmingway - The Old Man & the Sea

• This book sucks. Only a depressed person would like this book. The old man is lonely and keeps trying to fish but doesn't catch any. It's like that old saying, if you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything, but this old man failed. Only a depressed person would like it

Bill Clinton - My Life
(So this one's not a classic, but...)

• Well, I whole-heartedly agree with the New York Times' review. As a very liberal paper, called the NY Slimes in my household, I was very suprised with the bad review. I decided to see for myself. But yes, the book was long, drawn-out, and full of lies. Bill Clinton has to be one of the most self-centered people that has ever written a book. Don't bother to read this unless you would like to just get angry. Also, don't waste your money. Actually, don't waste your time either. Just don't read this book.
• Bill Clinton is a disgrace to this country. He is a true liar and a cheat, He is trying to sell you 900 pages of pure **** and if you want to hear about his sexual "experiances" with monica then you are some kind of pervert.You people are influenced by bias media coverage. If you really want to know what's going on I recomend that you whatch FOX news and listin to Sean Hannity.
• Like a week-old diaper. This is just to counter all the five star reviews from liberals who couldn't read it if they wanted to, thanks to a school system populated with people more interested in indoctrination and Affirmative Action quotas, then in actaully teaching.

posted by mat on July 1, 2004 03:31 PM

Norah Jones, "Come Away With Me"

• Puke, puke, puke. Can you hear me puke. This is 100% rectum. Her dull voice bodes poorly with the cheesy backing music. Sounds like a bad night club singer.
• My coworkers won't let me play it because they insist that it sounds like my CD player is broken and playing the same song over and over and it puts them to sleep.
• Her voice is so dull and boring! She looks boring. Boring Norah for a boring album.
• A bright and shining piece of mediocrity, well produced but shallow and emotionally constrained. The kind of pointless superficially impressive fluff used in demonstrations at audio shows and the like.

 

[Under a Stone]

Hahaha

Music

Opeth - Blackwater Park

how can you call this music?????????
read somewhere that said Grade 8 give opeth a run for their money. And since im a huge fan of Grade 8's impresive work and musicianship i thought i might as well check out this band called opeth. i mean, they had to be good if they were in the same stanza with the work grade 8 right! well wrong! opeth is just another scream scream band with no talent what so ever. even when a acoustic thing does show up its really stupid and doestn go with the song what so ever. the singer sucks ass! his name is mikael akerfeldt, it should be mikael a$$erfeldt! this is just a huge waste of money, if you like good music though i recomend Good Charlotte! or Grade 8!

if you want to know more, email me at ken.perrone@sbcglobal.net

Emperor - In The Nightside Eclispe

overblown punk rock
black metal is nothing more than punk rock gone carnival. their face paint is just so mature. yeah i'm scared by these satan worshippers. i think i'll just laugh at them. what kind of name is "ihsahn" anyway? he's a dork. if you listen to this, you should be sacrificed to satan. no talent required, just look like a non-conformist clazighiurnit.

 

[NAD]

Heehee, awesome. I'll bet some of the lowest reviews for Old Man and the Sea and Heart of Darkness are from me!

I listened to Blackwater Park for the first time in ages the other night, started to fall asleep, then found myself flinging the headphones off my head during some acoustic section because it was killing me. Very strange, I used to love almost that entire album.

 

[HarmonyDies....]

This thread makes me angry.

 

[NAD]

Haha, I'm reading all the 1-star reviews for Reign in Blood. Awesome!

I agree with the concensus, Reign in Blood is overrated. But that means I give it a 9/10 instead of a 10/10.

 

[NAD]

I must admit, I'd agree with that.