hypothetical question:

[Josh Seipp]

lets say you send your girlfriend a myspace message about how you just want to relax at home by yourself tonight cause you've had a stressful couple of days and aren't feeling well anyway. you send it while you see she's online and just kind of assume she got it. then after work you go home and get to the relaxin, knowing she's working late and assuming she'll call you when she gets home. after a while you haven't heard from her but you really want a bath and so you take a bath and figure you'll call her when you get out to see what's up.

when you get out of the tub you have a weird voicemail from her so you give her a ring and it turns out she is really upset that you haven't called her earlier (at this point it's 8:30 PM and it's been about 22 hours since you've last spoken to each other) so you have an hour conversation about the situation and how she feels like you aren't as invested and blah blah blah.

now, I'm the type of person who just doesn't think to maintain constant contact with every loved one in my life, and especially when I've had a few incredibly stressful days and am not healthy...but it's not like I wasn't going to call her, it just happened about two hours after her breaking point, I guess. do I have the right to be indignant about her basically ruining my planned night of total relaxation and stressing me out therefor making my illness a little worse? or is she right to be upset that I didn't think to call her during the day (she usually calls me but was waiting for me to call her, which I didn't know, and was having a shitty day as well, which I also didn't know)?

 

[minxnim]

a dude needs his space. let's put it this way: it's too early in the game for things like this to be happening. don't be brutal but put your foot down or get totally smothered.

 

[Josh Seipp]

homegirl has crazy abandonment issues and hasn't ever been in a healthy long term relationship and I always start to feel bad and am like 'i just have to be understanding' but yesterday in the back of my head the whole time i was like 'fuck this this is bullshit we have this conversation once a month'

 

[minxnim]

i mean, i'm all for being comforting to people with past problems but you can't be blamed for everyone else's wrongdoings forever. besides that, what about your past? you deserve a break considering how you've been feeling and everything that's gone on in the past year! anyway, it's your call obviously. it's like, not a big deal AND a big deal at the same time. the details (like the strength of her reaction etc.) are what matters.

 

[Josh Seipp]

I feel kind of bad about making this thread now for some reason but I forgot I don't have moderator powers anymore! d'oh.

ummm yeah it is an absurdly strong reaction. somehow the fact that I'm not a phone person translates into 'she's not important to me' in her head and I can't seem to convince her that it's not just her, it's like everybody. some days I just need to fucking chill.

me: it's not just you, I'm like this with everybody!

her: I can't believe you just lumped me in with everybody! (gets more upset)

 

[Baliset]

do you want me to delete this thread for you?

 

[Josh Seipp]

nah it's ok dude thanks though

 

[Helm]

I don't like calling people extensively either. Being in a relationship shouldn't mean you have to check in every 10 hours over the phone. As mixnim said, people need their space. If she doesn't understand this after getting it explained for the nth time, it's positive you do not see eye to eye on several aspects partaining to your relationship, and this will definately come into play more severily in the future. It may be trivialised for the first few times on the strength of the other positive aspects of your relationship, but eventually it might prove to be more of a problem. Personally, I try to make most of this clear up front, though. Even my dad doesn't mind if I don't talk to him, or phone in for days at a time and we live in the same house.

 

[goatschool]

i would bet the root/trigger of this whole situation stems from the myspace message. as someone who is jumpy in possibly the same way - this could correlate with the repeating nature of the whole thing?

was your first message kind of casual? i dunno, that sort of thing could be perceived as aloof, even though you didn't intend it that way. it looks like you might be in the sort of situation where the opening salvo has to be crystal clear, covers all the bases, etc.

not that this is an irrational deal - her fears will take years to overcome, i'd think.

 

[mindspell]

I know exactly the situation. Honestly, you cannot feel bad about this, there was a misunderstanding and you are trying to work through. As for her abandonment issues, she cannot expect you to solve them, you can help her, you can try to work around those a bit but it is not your responsability to dismiss any kind of freedom because of it. Talk about it, understand and help but as GS just wrote, it will take some time. If you really like this girl then it should be worth it, just don't drop your own life.

 

[Josh Seipp]

hmmm yeah the note was "how's your day going today? lovely weather we're having...I'm gonna chill out and take some time to myself tonight, methinks. you have a show this evening, correct?" but unbeknownst to me she left the office early and didn't get it until way later, after she'd already started freaking out.

 

[minxnim]

i mean, doesnt realizing when you sent the note and the misunderstanding negate her freaking out at all?

 

[FalseTodd]

you can help her, you can try to work around those a bit but it is not your responsability to dismiss any kind of freedom because of it.

/agree

 

[avi]

I just want to say that I feel for you Josh. Feel better dude.

 

[lizard]

hope your health improves....

 

[Josh Seipp]

I feel I should add also that myspace messages constitute the bulk of our workday correspondances, and she had a really shitty day yesterdaytoo, which I didn't really know about.