- Jun 26, 2003
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Instruments that might be 'Metalized'
Metal musicians create not just sound, but come from a tradition which has long noted the importance of aesthetic appearance. B.C. Rich creates spiky guitars, mail order companies offer spiked gauntlets and black metal musicians apply ghastly corpse-paint. Long hair or no hair are also requisites.
It has not escaped the attention of this writer that certain instruments might well be incorporated into the metal canon; not simply in the context of one-off novelty, but as serious and integral additions to the genre, serving to broaden and enrich its emotional pallet.
No, really.
One such style would be doom metal, in regards to which I am sure many of you have brooded over the question of whether to introduce brass instruments. Yes friends, you are not alone: the mournful wailing of a tuba would brilliantly accentuate the Romantic exile and despair espoused by suicidal Finns. You ask: why tuba, I counter: why not? After all, Vaughan Williams' Tuba concerto and Winter's Into Darkness are of course musical birds of a feather.
The simple question remains of quite how to incorporate a tuba's innocent, shiny brass appearance into the torturous grimnity which is known as Doom. Fear not gentle reader, sage advice is at hand:.
Part 1: How to Satanize a tuba.
1 - Acquire a standard tuba. A Besson model should set you back only around £6,000.
2 - Spray paint it black with suitable paint. Remember, when choking on noxious fumes and enduring the wrath of cheap, lacrimator paint, that a serious practitioner of the left hand path could not be satisfied with less than five coats.
3 - Attach candle holders and tall, purple or black candles.
4 - Draw pentagrams, '666' logos and esoterica from demonic grimoires such as the Lemegeton, Abramelin or Beano annual 2006 in large, red font.
5 - Attach hooks and dangle offensive symbols (inverted crosses, swastikas, pictures of Crunch from Diddy Kong Racing) from the body of the tuba.
6 - Procure quadrupeds. Recommended varieties are the domestic housecat, guinea pig and hamster.
7 - Procure unwanted foetuses
8 - Nail/Crucify the ingredients from steps 6 and 7 to the body of the tuba.
9 - Scrawl arcane burial rites across the body of the instrument in minuscule, white text.
10 - Attach a spinning, motorised flail replete with razor wire and hooks to the rim of the tuba. Switch it on.
Hail the dawn of flagellation!
You now have a suitable 'Death Tuba,' replete with crucified animals and demonic funeral incantations, to take the stage alongside any self-respecting doom metal act.
Metal musicians create not just sound, but come from a tradition which has long noted the importance of aesthetic appearance. B.C. Rich creates spiky guitars, mail order companies offer spiked gauntlets and black metal musicians apply ghastly corpse-paint. Long hair or no hair are also requisites.
It has not escaped the attention of this writer that certain instruments might well be incorporated into the metal canon; not simply in the context of one-off novelty, but as serious and integral additions to the genre, serving to broaden and enrich its emotional pallet.
No, really.
One such style would be doom metal, in regards to which I am sure many of you have brooded over the question of whether to introduce brass instruments. Yes friends, you are not alone: the mournful wailing of a tuba would brilliantly accentuate the Romantic exile and despair espoused by suicidal Finns. You ask: why tuba, I counter: why not? After all, Vaughan Williams' Tuba concerto and Winter's Into Darkness are of course musical birds of a feather.
The simple question remains of quite how to incorporate a tuba's innocent, shiny brass appearance into the torturous grimnity which is known as Doom. Fear not gentle reader, sage advice is at hand:.
Part 1: How to Satanize a tuba.
1 - Acquire a standard tuba. A Besson model should set you back only around £6,000.
2 - Spray paint it black with suitable paint. Remember, when choking on noxious fumes and enduring the wrath of cheap, lacrimator paint, that a serious practitioner of the left hand path could not be satisfied with less than five coats.
3 - Attach candle holders and tall, purple or black candles.
4 - Draw pentagrams, '666' logos and esoterica from demonic grimoires such as the Lemegeton, Abramelin or Beano annual 2006 in large, red font.
5 - Attach hooks and dangle offensive symbols (inverted crosses, swastikas, pictures of Crunch from Diddy Kong Racing) from the body of the tuba.
6 - Procure quadrupeds. Recommended varieties are the domestic housecat, guinea pig and hamster.
7 - Procure unwanted foetuses
8 - Nail/Crucify the ingredients from steps 6 and 7 to the body of the tuba.
9 - Scrawl arcane burial rites across the body of the instrument in minuscule, white text.
10 - Attach a spinning, motorised flail replete with razor wire and hooks to the rim of the tuba. Switch it on.
Hail the dawn of flagellation!
You now have a suitable 'Death Tuba,' replete with crucified animals and demonic funeral incantations, to take the stage alongside any self-respecting doom metal act.
